A bad day turned around

This morning, another email came in... It didn't make things better. An unfulfilled promise. Maybe it will or maybe it will not... Not sure if it matters anymore. The whole morning, nothing seemed to be able to lift my mood. Even when I did my nails as a therapy, they became a disaster.

A last minute cancellation eventually led to a more fruitful day for me. I went ahead with the haircut appointment at a dreadful place I had been avoiding. I arrived there with a sulk, expecting the worst service like the last couple of times. I didn't expect much from the young stylist but he was trying to make a conversation the whole time and so I reciprocated. His skill was mediocre, I got knocked a couple of times by the hairdryer. But his friendliness made my day better. He tried to sell but failed because I was just getting better at saying 'No'. After the 45 minutes haircut, I left with a satisfactory finish... At least I like those fringe. I walked back to the train station, retracing a familiar path. It didn't seem as scary as I thought, I wouldn't bump into him, at least not at that timing. In fact, I saw a few cute blokes and one came up and asked for directions. Like a lost bird myself, I tried to offer help by googling on the phone. So hey, it's actually so easy to talk to someone on the street!

On the way to the airport, I kept my eyes on Nick's book "Life without limits". It lifted my spirits up slightly. I got to the arrival hall, shortly before that plane from London landed. I sat there, kept reading while I people watched and impatiently scanned for one of my favourite people. I saw people hugging their kids, their spouse or friend... Those moments made me happy, I saw those anxious faces around, just like mine... waiting patiently for someone they loved. Happiness can be this simple - welcoming a loved one home. Then we had a simple meal where the company mattered more than a conversation or the food. So valuable.

You got mail

An email made my day the other day. But the one today didn't. I should have expected it but I didn't. I thought it would never come. Sometimes I hate being human. Why are emotions so complex? Can it be just happy and sad and nothing else? I wrote a very frank email the other day, I never fail to amaze myself with what I can express through words. I don't even know if they have touched someone or even made them cry. But I know I wrote it with all my heart and I hope the reader would feel it somehow. I hate goodbye emails because I am never good at saying them. But inevitably in this life, I have been made to say it countless times on many occasions. I think I am done, I just don't wish to say anymore goodbyes. Can I?

Twigging

Yesterday you sent me another angel to spur me. I know you are looking over me. You know I have fallen hard and struggling to stand up. Again and again, you threw me some twigs, some branches... And hopefully one strong enough to help me stand. I saw it. Thank you. I know you keep telling me the time isn't right, and I can only wait. I am waiting... I am training this patience because I know you won't disappoint me. You will lead me to that path.

Terrible thirty-two

Ahhh... Another year older. Not excited.

I'm not supposed to be negative and I haven't really been for quite a while but I'm so not looking forward to having a celebration this year. I am still so lost. This crisis is not as minor as I thought. Just like I wanted to rush myself to get over those bad feelings, I wanted to do the same for this. But in actual fact, it doesn't help. It would only make me more confused. So I am taking time but at the same time I can't help feeling frustrated. To make it worse, I sent an email few days back to 'chase' someone out of my life, not really, but I didn't need another person to complicate my life further right now. I'm probably going to feel this is the worst birthday in my life... And I hope this also welcomes a fresh beginning for me.

*fingers crossed*

Facing fear

I found the best way to conquer the fear is to face it. Sometimes we used distraction, avoidance or simply try to shelve them in our shadows. But the only way is probably a head-on collision with your fear.

I first experimented it with the negative feelings. Hurt, grief and anger. I allowed them to overwhelm me. I realised the first couple of weeks of avoiding only made things worse, they could roll into a huge explosive. As I let them in, they showed me how strong I actually am. They made me see that fear is only a restriction and obstacle I set upon myself. I faced them, I constantly reminded myself by revisiting the memories. It hurt lesser than I thought and sped up the grieving process.

My second experiment was swimming in the lap pool. I had a drowning incident once in Krabi, also a failed swimming test in this same pool. I almost never allowed myself to swim in a pool my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I have contemplated this experiment but never had the courage to act upon it till Tuesday. The other pool was packed and so I got into the lap pool. My plan was to swim along the shallow edges but realised in this pool, we had to do laps. Then I had fears. Fear that I would not have the energy to get to the other end; fear that half way there I would be panicking; fear that I might have a cramp and start sinking. Many negative scenarios. Then I thought about those laps I did on the 1.2m pool all the time, I managed laps with ease. So I told myself not to think about the 1.8m depth, I assured myself I wouldn't be stopping halfway thus I wouldn't even need to feel the ground. Off I went and I managed 4 laps, of course wasting a lot more energy fearing than the actual physical activity! But I did it. I faced it and I know I can do it again.

Life always brings us challenges and sometimes the best way to tackle it is to take up the challenge. You don't have to win, you just have to do your best.


Added on 8 Nov 13: I have just been reading up on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and realised this tactic is actually a behavourial experiment used to tackle NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts).

Wake me up when September ends...

Indeed it has ended. I am feeling what I dreaded I wouldn't be feeling few months ago. Those moments of despair are over. I am overwhelmed with a whole set of other feelings; like I described in my earlier posts, I have a crisis on hand. Only I can walk myself out of it, only I can figure it out ultimately. But I thank all the kind souls in my life and those coming in to help me in a way or another... Rest assured I will be continuing this battle and fighting till the very end.

Sentimental

If being sentimental is a weakness, I am definitely weak. If to confess missing someone is to lose, I have also lost many times. But those judgements do not matter anymore, no one can change me. I am the only creation on this earth that allows myself to truly feel what I feel, to express what I want. Appropriate or not - this is forever subjective.