Grrrr..... its growling.

I mean, my stomach...

It did it again tonight. I get hungry easily these days. I wonder why, even being inactive for a day can use up all my energy?! I'm such a lazy person, I'm trying to get things done - slowly. Ah, I'm starting to do something now at least. No more time to waste it seems...

I heard my mum grumbling about my trip again. I wonder if her mood swings more than I thought or did she really mean it!! She said such mean things to others about us (well, me and my sisters). She was telling her friend on the phone that I don't want stay in Singapore, about me not wanting them anymore (she makes it sound like that) and well I obviously didn't think this way. *shrugs*

What can I say... I'm not saying anything anymore!

A bus chase, is this the fastest I ran in my life?!

I impressed myself.

I ran at least 500 meters after a bus, and yes I got on it. It is insane thinking about it now. I was panting worse than a sweating dog! The driver closed the door right in my face despite that I have made an effort to run. There were a few passengers boarding, and I couldn't understand why he was this blind, he could have noticed me racing behind his side mirror!

If it was in London, it would be easier, just jumping on at the rear exit.

I didn't know what makes me go after the bus. Normal Trixy would have just wasted another 15 minutes or more for the next one. But I wasn't normal today. I know I wanted to get on that bus, and I will have to. I ran.

From the bus terminal. 3 traffic lights. Hundreds of meter. Gosh, how long have I not been running... My last gym visit was probably over 3 months ago. The bus had to make a turn around the terminal and probably held up by a few traffic lights, so I had to be fast. A lot faster than what I usually run on that treadmill.

I was chasing, in fact I was ahead of it. But that damned stop was so far away!!! I kept my eyes on my back, then I saw it coming. I kept running, this time I have to make known to the driver "ITS YOUR BUS I'M CHASING, SO PLEASE WAIT FOR ME!"

Those people at the bus-stop must have seen me running from that distance... I wonder if anyone on the bus have seen this crazy woman doing a marathon just to get a bus ride. Those people seemed to know, did they tell the driver to wait?? Or have the driver seen me running alongside with his bus!! The bus arrived at the stop 30 seconds before I did... and it did wait for me this time.

I was so grateful. In fact, I wanted to say "Fuck you, didn't you see me just now!!" But I said, "Thank you!" This is just me.

Fly baby fly

It is less than a month I'll be in Heathrow. London Heathrow.

It is less than two weeks I'll be on the plane. I love holidays. I will have a beach holiday finally - something I've been waiting to do with someone; something I've been wishing some people could have done it with me. London will be a start of another long holiday, at least it would be one for me (whether I'm working or not).

It is now I'm feeling everything - fearful, excited, sad, loved, lost, lazy, happy, curious, hopeful, restless, emotional, isolated... I can't finish describing, I always wish I've a longer time in Singapore. Yet I know, I've had prolonged my stay much longer than I had intended to. I'm taking my own sweet time dilly-dally with all the preparation which would have been quickly winded up by now. I feel so unaccomplished.

Yes, yes... Stop giving more excuses!! It has been the only thing I have been looking forward to. Despite it coming right at me, I'm avoiding looking it in its eyes. I can't figure out why I feel so confused, I still want to go, but I need one more good reason to make me smile. Thats it!

My parents have been following up on my decision, they talked to me about the trip. My mum wasn't confident of my financial abilities in a country 3 times more expensive, I can't say I am, without fishing for some work there. My dad was more concerned if I can survive in the "freezing" weather...

I wish I haven't had so much love...

Another name

My japanese name is Akimoto (autumn book) Miharu (beautiful clear sky).

"I can't live without you" -- Spiderman 2

I went to the movies alone again.

The last was The Eye 2 or was it The Spanish Apartment? I wasn't alone this time, I saw people sitting by themselves either, in a way I'm getting used to the idea. You know, the idea that you're never alone unless you're emotionally - then you are!

I watched Spiderman 2. I have loved episode 1. It is lovely as the first, I couldn't recall much of the first show, but the second is definitely worth the bucks. Watching the near 2 hours movie, it struck me hard at certain points. It makes me ponder about my life... It reminds me about being in love... It cautions me that we are living to our full potential when we know what our dream is... It tells me that giving up your dream or your love can't never make you a real person... My, my, am I getting all philosophical or dreamy??!

Yes, it makes me think of you, spider-rabbit.

My verdict: * * * * *
(for all the lessons about life you've made me think over them... plus stunning visual effects and charming actors/actresses)

happi-happi-happy

Saturday was one hell of a busy day, but it wasn't hell... It was actually great fun doing things together. I'm a virgin host, really, I never hosted a BBQ before. Or well, I'm a co-host (not sure if there's this word)!!

It feels goooooodd... when people compliment on the food (effort) you've done :D

It was an unbelievable 3 hours spent in the supermarket, can you picture that?! I didn't know how did we manage to do that. We just went along and grabbed whatever we thought we needed. It was a good thing being unprepared eh! Not really unprepared, but a shopping list would have spoil the fun. It wasn't easy to shop with me (esp. grocery shopping), ask my partner and you'll know.

There are some product brands I prefer to avoid, I am fussy even when it comes to choosing fruits, and I rather not venture risk into strange brands. I'll tell you off some of the unnecessary things you put in the trolley. I'm not too bad when it comes to saving some money for the shopping ;)

A small gathering, a mini BBQ by the pool, on a lovely evening (without rain!)... how cool can it go...

luv ya luv ya luv ya

I finally got my ticket!!!!

Its a mixture of excitement, fear and reluctance. Excited, because I have been wanting to do that; fearful, because of the unforeseen future I've put myself into and there's no one else I can depend on anymore; reluctant, because I'm enjoying all this unemployed period of time with my loved ones (friends, rabbit and family).

Last Friday, after so much hesitation and consideration, I booked my flight with Malaysia Airline to London. 6 months return. I reckon I'll be home for the Chinese new year. I will be leaving mid-August... not sure if its the right time, but its going to be exactly 2 weeks rest after my beach holiday. My initial plan of leaving on 23 July has been delayed till then due to too much going on in my life. I'm satisfied, for once, I never complained about my life again. I've never felt this way - being thrilled for the coming months... thinking of how I should celebrate my xmas in London or maybe somewhere in the snow :)

Awww, I'm going to spend my birthday away from all my close friends... anyway, it is never a big celebration for me!

p/s: BS, if you read this, sorry for forgetting that you've left for HK, wanted to give you my regards... but I've not been remembering your departure date. Return safe & may God bless you with a fruitful time!

Ghoooostly

For the first time ever, none of the 54 contacts in my msn is online tonight. I'm on it for 55 mins and counting... no one logs in. Its freaky. I don't need a chat right now, but you know how you get used to seeing something, and now when it doesn't happen, you go wondering!!! I'm suspecting if my messenger is abnormal tonight. Or maybe my eyes are just tired. Should I say the 54 people are all tired :D

Lemon juice for the rust

My brain is quickly rusting if I do not make those cells work as often as before. Two weeks have passed, look at how unaccomplished I am for the trip. Nothing much has been done, my air ticket is still under my own pending. Stupid peak season and the non student price, I can't escape paying much more to get to London. It is getting dreadful, instead I'm focused more on getting a good break in Phuket! Having good fun, good companionship, good partying, good sports, good food... and yes I missed being on an airplane. So much!

I've as many good reasons to get to London as much as I've enough to make me stay in Singapore. It's not helping me, I need some motivation. I get them through encouragement and support from friends, they keep my dream intact! I get the urge to realize my full potential, to let go of myself totally... yet I'm lacking that pulling factor. I need a push! I sometimes feel I can slack for longer, but I don't get satisfaction out of procrastinating either. I'm sick of being unemployed!! But not when I've a dream to fulfill right now.

I need to write. I need to move. I need a much more interesting life, really. Four seasons, an insight to other cultures, feel snow, more more & more stamps on my passport, food I never tried, languages I can't figure it out, and best of all someone being there to share it with me :)

p/s: 3 posts for a lazy tuesday, it's not too much I reckon...

Mein liebster Hase

It was his birthday... Talking about birthdays, I remember how many of them I celebrated with the guys I dated. Yet none stayed long enough for mine, ok, maybe except one of them. I wouldn't think I'm romantic, but I always think its more significant to do it with a cake, even if its just a piece. Do you call that traditional? When it comes to mine, I think a cake is too much of a trouble. Well, whoever buys a cake for themselves?

It rained like there was no tomorrow...

He cordially invited me for a dinner with him. For his birthday. It felt exciting, despite it came last minute I felt I had that obligation to turn up. At home, it was filled with questions as to why I was dressing up for the night. I said I was having a date. Apparently, it seemed to be the perfect excuse for any late night-out, my parents didn't bother me with "What time are you coming home!!" calls. And no one was asking me further, I wonder if they took my words for it...

I saw him for over 2 hours, short but sweet. It's funny, does being in love has a specific criteria to meet? My good friend told me I didn't seem to act like I am, just because I see him only twice a week?? I guess she just doesn't understand how I feel towards him... Possession to me is not part of love. Love is just a weird thing!

It rains like there is no tomorrow...

Yes, didn't I use that phrase earlier! Ha, but I can't stop complaining about the bad weather. Wet is bad. You can't agree more when it doesn't rain during the sleeping hours but right from noon throughout the evening. I'm trapped at home.

I feel shit being in a confined space, when nothing else in the house interests me. Not even cooking pasta. I could have gone out with an umbrella, come to think of it, how many of you will do that when there's more days in the month you'd be hoping to be sunny.

Talking about this, it reminds me of my lost pants. It's frustrating how my (1 favourite) cropped maroon pants has disappeared. I spent my whole midnight yesterday digging into my closet and even my sisters', but it is not there. Maybe it flew off when drying out on the bamboo, or is it misplaced. I'm so bothered!

Ugly potatoe, yucks!

*sigh*

I feel so ugly... I was in tears when someone said I'm not. You know there are time that we feel so bad about ourselves (yes, women -- we are talking about that now!). I don't know, some women might feel good all the time or look good all the time, but I can't. I can see that I am not... or at least half the time I think I'm not feeling proud! No no, don't go about how cute you think I am... but there is an actual fact women are never satisfied or always inferior when you see something better. Ok, mmm yes, when you see someone better out there. Or even not, arghh, I guess I must be feeling horrible about myself right now!

And now I find that someone who doesn't see that ugliness in me... its actually very consoling. I feel so comfortable being naked (I mean without "make-up") around him. He doesn't seem to notice my flaws (or maybe he just doesn't want to mention), yet I constantly am bugged by them myself - mentally!! I'm obsessed about how physically unattractive I'm getting... ok, call it deteriorating!! Every time I look at this person, I can imagine everyone else is certainly more worthy for him. I don't mean I don't have my self-confidence at all, but it dropped tremendously when it all (or should I say he) seems too good to be true.

Everything that is happening today is a dream come true! Yes, I am happy!! I have many expectations and I've realized them through him. I see myself being nice (ok, the truth is I've always try to be nice if you're nice), but now this is done without condition - without you having to be the nice one first! I can't ask God for someone better, but maybe do my face a little good. Stop producing me pimples! Yes, why me???! when other bitchy people get the baby skin!!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Yeah, I'm crazily in lurrrvvvee...

HIM

I didn't realize when I started going around about God. HIM.

Maybe from the day I owned the new King James version bible, I have accepted its existence. No, I don't go to churches on a regular basis. Yet it doesn't give me a reason not to believe HE is in my life. Or well, a guardian angel in my life.

I had the roughest patch last year, so many things happened, and I changed. It made me worse for months, and there were the terrible months of low self-esteem and aimless direction I was heading. Things started to pick up on the later half of the year...

I see in new light what were the things I was engaging in, HE didn't make me regret doing them. HE allows me to change for the better, and from then I know everything that happened has a reason.

I build up my independence slowly. I have better self-confidence, am more enduring, have good resistance to temptation, be appreciative of people around me, possess the awareness of not hurting/leading on someone nice to me and the ability to handle myself emotionally (and mentally, and of cos physically)... most importantly, I have a goal. A dream.

To achieve this dream, all that has happened in recent or past have been making me stronger, it has shaped me into what I am today. Thank YOU, god. I hope I come back a much wiser person!

Mummy & Daddy

Finally I plucked up the courage to talk to my parents about leaving... it wasn't that difficult after all. My mum opened her mouth and asked me about what (job) I will be doing there; my dad was speaking to me about my date of departure. Somehow now, I know I'm leaving with a peace of mind. They assume I'm going to get a JOB. I know they are worried, I know they would have prefer me to stay. However, I see it all coming... I feel it. That surge of energy inside me is alive, that adventurous spirit is burning and I know this is what I've to try out.

Things are moving so quickly, I bought a huge backpack (48L still look so big on me), am I that tiny!!! I think its still NOT big enough... ok yes yes, I know you guys think its going to fall over me if its over 50L!! I'm probably too greedy.. or over-confident eh. Time to book my flight ticket as well... yeah I did some research already. I can't bear to leave.. really... but there's more out there waiting for me.

I'm pampering myself too much, rewarding myself with a beach holiday end of the month before I take my wings to london! Ha, I guess I'm living up to the name of a holidaymaker now... but subconsciously, my head is telling me to save more money for survival in that cosmopolitan city.

Strange stranger

It was easier to leave than I expected. I wasn't depressed in the slightest, perhaps the first day I accepted the job offer I already knew of this day. My close colleagues have left before me, it has since then prepared me for this departure. Or should I say the day I set my mind about my holidaymaking, my heart no longer stays in a confined working space. I didn't mingle as much as I did, I did my job and left. No excessive overtime. No extra homework. Nothing more than I should do for what's on my jobscope.

I was glad for some emails I received before I left, people sending me well-wishes. Some I did not even spoken to. There wasn't anything I feel I'd miss... even my idol. He did not speak to me, he acted busy the whole day, so I passed him a thank you note while he was on the phone. At that instant I stepped out, I felt my freedom and my new unpredictable future surging right at me!! I'm about to embark on a real journey, the phase of fresh new start...

I woke up an hour before noon, never been as awake for the past months. Brilliant, thats the way I should described it. The moments at home now will be precious...

I haven't had an idea what my recently unemployed sister has been up to at home. For damned few weeks! This morning, I actually witnessed her encouraging my mum's gambling habits, deep inside I detest her so much for it. I can't understand why we do not have a bond, one that I have with my little sister. At certain times, I feel my little sister will grow up be a much better person than her... open minded and sensible. She isn't that bad but somehow I still think she has more growing up to do.

The first day of joining my mates' Pro Slacker Club - a name given to the recently umemployed and no intention for new job yet, I can't see myself slacking. I can visualise now how much work or things I've already lined up for myself... It's going to be a hectic time!

Let's see if I can still do blogging as often as before, fingers crossed...