My friends...

My friend (lao pa) wrote me a comment that set me off thinking,"Why shouldn't I be enjoying life?" Why should I not? Not because the other side of the world had a tsunami, not because I caused the tsunami, not because I had too much good time in Germany!? I chose to blog my happy moments, because I've learned to heal the painful side... In my own life, I chose to do what I believe I should do, not because I'm entirely selfish but I know where my happiness lies. To friends whom are holding your dreams back, its not whats stopping you from pursuing them, its what you are lacking to purse them! And sometimes you can't care for what everyone else thinks, because its not their dream, its yours!

My friend (angela) has always been wanting to be a holidaymaker like me. But I told her its not her dream to follow what I'm doing, but is that what she will like to do if I am never a holidaymaker?? Angela, I wish the mist in your path will clear itself. So you'll see what your real dream in life is about... Maybe eventually we won't end up as designers - kinda shit work being an one-man-team, so hang on! (till the day you followed your heart - you'll be free)

My friend (lisi) has been sharing a lot about religion and her church activities with me, and it never failed to enlighten me in a way. Sometimes I think having faith is a good thing, and I'm glad HE has been guiding your way. Don't think of death, don't think of suicide, I think the best thing is being alive and live for yourself, not for anyone else! Go... enjoy your Maya course and achieve what you wanted to.

My friend (syndy) somehow has made me see her other side. Has a trip to Canada or has the relationship shaped her to what she is now? I can't see, I can't sense... She was a cheeky thang with so many stories to tell; somewhat now she seems to belong somewhere! Is her heart somewhere out there? At times, she sounds the same old self, but she is becoming a woman of less word (less shit).

My b/friend (flo) sometimes makes me delighted and sometimes sad. Should I expect lesser, should I deserve more?? He has made me see my very own bad attitude, he has made me reveal the "me" I only have in stupid fantasy, he has made the 'kid' in me once again possessed me. Sometimes I wish he is more sensitive, sometimes I wish he is more romantic; sometimes I hope there is more surprises, sometimes I hope he knows when I have my PMS! Love is not a piece of cake!!

What is winter without snow*

Winter makes me more...
Lazy and so...
I am getting fat...
Because I get too hungry...
And am always inactive...
It also makes me moody...
And very cold...
I feel so restless...
And often sleepy...
I'm looking more pale...
Getting more domesticated...
Becoming too geeky...
Ah, I'm thirsty for more...
Now I'm simply Boh chup! - Maybe its time for bed!

Tsunami

It is the first time I heard of a huge disaster hitting the S.E.Asia! Should Singapore be lucky to be sheltered by some neighboring countries?? I hope Singapore is not affected too much, I didn't get any (sg) news except about the rising death tolls in Indonesia, Thailand (Phuket), Sri Lanka and India. I have some friends holidaying in Thailand for Christmas season, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for their safety.

I can barely recall the term "Tsunami" till I was again reminded by the television that it was the currents in the ocean triggered by an earthquake on the seabed. Are the fishes killed too? Can wakeboarders survive?? Where are the fishermen?? What happened to the big boats out in the sea!? All these terms we have learned during the geography lesson were forgotten because we have never expected them to occur. But things do happen... earthquake, typhoon, volcano eruption, flood, sand storm, cyclone...

The world seems to be having a hard time the recent years. Terrorism, 9-11, Bali, Iraq war, SARS...

Let's hope that the counting down to the new year also eliminates all the bad luck!

De.Christmas

For my curious blog-followers with an itching head... want a brief storyline of my very first christmas out of Singapore?

No white christmas, no snow... no snowman. Oh well, at least they say it might be snowing on Tuesday! We spent a week in two places - Erfurt and Magdeburg, both of his parents' places. The first day began quite badly, everything went wrong and we arrived late due to the first train being delayed. Fortunately, it became a lot better and the week could be said to be ending quite smoothly with tonight being the last at his mum's house. His dad has a big house and the family was certainly very easy-going. His step-sister spoke english, so there was something we could laugh about. His mum's side was equally fun, his sister is a pretty doll, his step-dad is always nice; I enjoy their company even though they hardly speak english. And oh... I still can't understand much german! Arghh...

Surprise Surprise! I have a new hair-cut enhanced with some highlighting. How cool... please don't envy. He he he. Flo's sister, Juliane, was a hair-dresser, so she did our hair. Actually she could do anything with my head, since I was so sick of the usual hairstyle already! I'm a satisfied customer now.

I bought some chocolate for visiting, and also a present for him. I received one from Flo, one from his dad, one from his mum and one from his maternal grandparents. They are all nice to me... I love the one from Flo best because he knows what I want, ever since I've been wearing it for a week now - ah stinky me! The rest are bundled with kind thoughts and I like them too.

Christmas at Flo's dad was accompanied with champagne, red cabbage, olives, salad, fish, etc. Christmas dinner at his mum's was ducks, green cabbage with sausage, red cabbage, potatoes, fruit salad, cheese cake, choco-whipped-cream-banana cake (which me and Flo were making)... Now I feel 2kg heavier :(

Christmas for them is like our Chinese's Chinese New Year; but I don't think I get as much money and the joy of surprises like them. I'm lovin' it!

p.s: Girls, get ready for the postponed christmas gift-xchange, I'm almost ready ;)

zwei null null vier

It doesn't hurt to be a copycat... after reading friend Joy's latest entry, it inspires me to do the same count for myself. I'm going to have a look of what I have done for the past 2004, with approximately 10 days to the coming year, what a good time to reflect oneself!


Leaving my web design job and landed into photography, that I'm pretty glad being able to explore into another different area I've been always curious about. Later on, getting pissed with the routine of the job no doubt.

Earning enough money to get to UK, get my holiday maker visa and realized the dream of working in London.

Getting over previous year's shitty relationships and not messing my head up with another stupid one; good things are worth waiting I believe. I met this guy (whom I'm with now) at the period of time I never think about wanting to get involved!

Be a holidaymaker! Get a taste of being out on my own, starting from scratch in a new environment, overcome fear and be happy with loneliness... best bit is I can wash, cook, support, decide and depend on myself! Wahaha... no big deal to some of you I guess, but I know I won't die living on my own! Staying with new people, crying to myself, shopping on my own! I started to love this kind of freedom. I yearn to be alone, in a place I had to force myself to mingle. There, a beginning to some true friendship and realizing the value of everything I have. Of course, not all things went like what I expected. Problems back home, dad lost his job, sister being nasty, me being selfish (fulfilling my own dream eh!)... I guess everyone of us has to put our own priority in your own life eh! I can only say I will never regret doing this, and I would have regretted if I never started this.

Another best thing is I get to travel around - for now its a minor part of Germany! Of course, not forgetting I learnt a whole lot of shit about myself when I'm out here or living with other people... I can love better now :D

-- edited on 271204 --

Nackt und klein

Naked and small...

I had a new experience last night after we went to a sauna place. Skinny dipping. Whirl pool. 85 degrees cel. sauna. I've only been to a sauna once in a hotel during a holiday and that was a quick one! We spent 2 hours yesterday. Guess what - I've to be naked in front of maybe 5-15 people at any one time! It was embarrassing for me, it was worse than a nude beach I reckon. Maybe I'm too conservative for it, too shy or too self-conscious? I was the only asian and being smaller in everything made me uncomfortable or inferior looking at other women's tits! Ha ha. I felt like the odd one there... but the tension eased after a while. But anyway if you're curious what I've seen, then I'd tell you most of them are old men :( He he he. Nothing fanciful, they all look the same. It is also fascinating to see fat people naked - not to offend, but I'm certainly ashamed now that they are not as self-conscious as I am!

S.P.G

In Singapore, we have a name for women or girls whom only go for white men (Caucasians). Sarong Party Girl. It sounds Malay to me, and I didn't know how it came about. Now it's infamous and every time you see a white man with a local girl, u think she must be a SPG. Even though I've a German boyfriend now... I still strictly believe I'm not one. My expats friends/colleagues never thought I am one anyway... not sure about my Singaporean mates...

In my own definition, how do I differ from the normal SPG...

1. I do not ONLY date white men, I take whatever that I fancy and comes at the right timing.
2. I do not specifically go to the expats hang-outs and fish for one.
3. I do not offer or initiate sex to them just because they think you're an easy prey.
4. I don't wear skimpy, don't like to show off having a boyfriend whom is white (unless of course I'm proud of who he is).
5. I do not have the mindset that white (Caucasians) are always better than the yellow (Asians). In some way, I still prefer some cultural values us (the Asians) have. In another way, I prefer the upbringing in the western countries. Maybe they should learn from one another.
6. I never seduced one!

p/s: so, if you always have been thinking I'm a SPG, pls stand up and voice out... ;)

Der Mann

I want to cry, but I can't. I want to send him mushy SMS, but I refuse. I want to know if coming here is the right thing, but I don't know.

Where is the trust I used to have? Where is that faith I always carry?

Is a single life better? Or is a relationship with doubts worth carrying on?

I really have no idea, not even the slightest hint when I'm writing this entry. I'm just blindly typing, keying what's on my mind. How can a man be contented in a relationship?? When can he stop looking and says "Yes, I'm willingly to commit when I'm with you." Can he stop doing things to make himself more desirable to other girls? Can he stop having sex chats online!? Is he willingly to admit he's in a relationship to other attractive women out there? If an answer to any question above is a "No", is he still a nice guy?

I'm wondering what has this world come to... why are there divorces, broken marriage, affairs, cheating, mistress. Why has men learnt to become evil? Why has they turned more greedy and never be contented with what they have?

Even though he is still acting as loving to me, my river of affection has stopped to flow. Like a dam built up to keep the water back! Like a train screeching to a complete halt! I'm covering myself with a shield before the enemies come...

Is there a day I'll be totally sweep off by a man??

Bloody u - cupboard

Fuck la

Another scratch on my new phone. It feels having like a scratch on your car if you know how it feels like. I can't re-paint it, just have to close one eye (better without the lens) to not be reminded again. Sad!

Cold breakfast

Self-fried crepes with vanilla ice-cream wrapped together with sour berries. How does that sound?

creepy-crawly

It feels like this having to countdown to January...

In January, I'm finally landing my ass back in old "sunny" Singapore. Thinking about it now, I kind of look forward to seeing my mum, dad and my sisters; not forgetting my good friends back there. Somehow, I still feel creepy - creepy that Christmas will pass and then January will come. Will I be back? Will I be able to continue my dream living out here, in a totally different cultural environment? I'm kind of enjoying it, really. I guess most people do love to start afresh in a new place, getting out on their own and making another place feels like home. Tell me if I'm wrong. Then you must be one of a kind - boring kind! Not adventurous!

It has been almost a month in Germany. Many people have been wondering what I've been doing here, don't you people eh? I can't explain but time seems to be gliding faster than me trying to glide in the Xbox snowboarding! I've gotten used to Germany like how I had done that once in London - some routine and some itching feet. I still like to get out of the house, and when it gets too cold I'd rather hide with my candlelights.

Some of the things I've been trying to do in Germany:

(i) travel - as and when
(ii) learn German - (sorry la, not much progress) still in progress
(iii) be a housewife - this one is boring but I'm good at it now, especially nagging
(iv) live with a man - (challenging) learning to argue, yell at each other, love and do things together
(v) get back to some creative hobbies - (seems like I'm still as bad at drawing, damn!) photos/homepage design/drawing
(vi) cook - not like a housewife okay, experimental Asian style and some German of cos!
(vii) not to gain weight - (haha, tough one) with the winter, hardly any outdoor sports; too much chocolate/cheese/sausages around
(viii) shake leg - relax la (okay, my Singlish is actually improving while I'm here, funny)
(ix) have a white Christmas - (sobs) looks like snow only comes after that
(x) be a whole new person - better, positive & carefree =)

I must buy all the HARIBO sweets when I come home (damn, too many to choose from), this is driving me nutsssssssssss

@ . @ Books crazed @ . @

Eversince stepping into UK, books never fail to fascinate me. I can spend hours in the bookstore. Blame it on Singapore not having most imported - oh well, the best are still out here. I was introduced to Taschen by my previous landlord back in London. He is/was a photographer and had his photos published on books by Taschen. I began to read the catalogue everytime it was sent to the house, and the next time I was in a bookstore, I would be scanning for this publisher. Not all of them are found in the stores... so sometimes it can be a hard catch!

In Berlin, I happened to come across one I was looking for. This one (part II). I'm seeking for its part I now... woohoo... browse the sample pages at the above website :)

Kinder Surprise 2!!!

Today after lunch, we had a conversation over coffee with his friends. I didn't drink, not after a full meal! He returned with a Kinder Surprise again. I wondered why - chocolate for me again? Fattening me? *laughs* Maybe he has to show his friends how sweet my boyfriend can be! ;)

Okay, maybe from today I can start the toy collection, from these surprises...

Berlin, just germany

I was in Berlin for the weekend with Flo and his friends (a couple), we stayed with his friend's uncle/aunt. It all seemed exciting to be in another new city, a bigger city! As usual I dozed off during the 3 hours drive (lucky I'm not driving or lucky I can't drive), we sat at the back and Louis (their dog) was behind us. The car was Louis's smell, it soon flooded all our other senses. Immune.

Arriving in Berlin is a funny feeling, I'm still in Germany, so it didn't feel like a new place. To me, Braunschweig (where I stay now) and Berlin are not of huge differences. It is still not as busy as London - I'm starting to compare everything with London. It's not as cosmopolitan as London, yet Asians are lingering around more than in those little towns. Finally I overheard a guy speaking English in the train, I was thrilled - someone was there with me (native english speaker).

Sunday was non-shopping day, in fact it is never a shopping trip! Shops are closed on Sunday. The first night ended at 4am after an exhausting night-out (clubbing with live band "The Roots") and late night supper/drink. Saturday was dedicated to long hours of sleep, some hours of shopping mostly in second-hand stores & some funky small shops, and roaming around mostly ending up at christmas markets; we never almost visited a shopping mall. Well the germans should know Berlin best, so probably shopping mall is a bad idea to start off in a city with. Anyway, shopping in europe is almost never cheaper than in London - so why waste the time window shopping! Great, so you know next time when you visit Berlin... unless your wallet is fat.

I realized something from the trip - I'm never sick of walking in the christmas markets! Ha ha.

Oh, yes, I did sightsee as well. We missed the opening hours of the Parliament, at least I was at the door. I was at Brandenburger Tor though... I didn't think much of it, because I seen so much statues in London. But then again, Germany has a very rich history about how it came about as it is today. And I'm surprised I never learnt them in school... or well, maybe it is after I had my history classes! How Germany came together as one from the former EAST Germany and WEST Germany. Goodbye Lenin is a good film to illustrate this!

More to explore...

p/s: Berlin still didn't appeal to me as much.

Look down under

Have you ever tried changing your angle looking at a certain object, issue, problem... etc?

It used to be the same whichever angle I looked at an egg. It's still an egg. It's just an egg. Laid by the chicken. Oval. Fragile. Waiting to be eaten. But now, do you know at an angle, an egg can be round, an egg has an ass and it sits on its ass though never helping it to support much. Oh I also mean a base if you don't fancy the word "ass". An egg could be a kinder surprise; a kinder surprise can be an egg. An egg can do you different kind consumption methods, half-boiled, hard-boiled, fried, scrambled, omelette, raw and best of all it mixes well with other food.

I was bullshitting...

I want to write how my perspective has changed ever since leaving Singapore to be more self-reliant, independent and best of all, crawling out of a protected shell. Like a baby turtle, ready to venture into the water... [normal text was the past, colored is the new perception]

Life
I want a life of my own, a life alone, a life where I chose who I want to have in it.
I can't have a life alone, a life with everything u wanted (without friends, kinship, love) is pathetic, its a routine.

Family & Friends
They are there, they are sometimes boring, I wish for better ones...
They are there, always there... I can't ask for better ones.

Love & Marriage
I want to be married, I like to think about having kids with the man I love.
Cherish it for the moment, don't be embarassed to say it, no long-termed plan, just you & me, now and forever.

Career
Making do with one that pays me enough to live, to spend, to eat...
I'm still looking for the passion, something I can imagine doing it when I'm 40.

Money & Happiness
Money, money, money... why do we always talk about money??? It never made me happy.
I love to earn money, but can you stop making a big deal out of money... It seems my perception is still the same. Money doesn't equal to happiness!

Travel
I want to see Europe...
I only want to see it with u (my friend), going around alone in a train/plane, laughing at your own joke, awed with amazing sights with no one to share with, is not funny at all. Yes, travel partner(s) wanted!! Oh, and now, not just UK/Europe. Australasia, Asia, some parts of USA...

Pretty Things
Lingerie (hahah), dress, shoes.
Snow globes & socks.

Yummy Things
Rice, pasta, seafood, curry, naan, prata, fried oyster, cheese cake, sushi, nasi lemak, tomato.
HARIBO gummy, lindt/milka/kinder chocolates, rum ball, Jamaica ginger beer, sausages, bread, olives, potatoes, cheese.

Personality shaping
Impatient, fussy, arrogant, mild-tempered, critical, negative, can't be bothered, prone to mood swings.
More patient, more fussy (hah), still mild (unless provoked), more supportive, more positive, more initiative, more adventurous, more restless, more homely, more cheery... stop behaving like a big kid!

Still something never changed...

Attitude
If you don't be an ASSHOLE to me... I won't be an ARSEHOLE to you!
If you don't be an ASSHOLE to me... I won't be an (double) ARSEHOLE to you!

Spot the minor difference

Did you just realise you've got increment in your yahoo mailbox space? Check it again. I didn't until a friend was announcing with her MSN nickname. I was wondering why YAHOO has became so generous with her? I logged in with my two accounts. Wee!!! They are giving to me as well. Now with 500MB and 1GB Gmail... what is this world coming to? Do free things last???