The last call

God has answered my prayers and granted me a day off work. I was on MC yesterday, actually it felt contented to be ill, did you ever feel this way???

I'm back today and my manager, oh I should call him an asshole, welcomed me back with more work. Work that are redundant, I am not going to spare time to do useless things truthfully. So there, I'm sitting here doing the right things. He hasn't got enough of being mean, so he said,"What are you planning to do for that holiday over Xmas? Are you going anywhere for your leave? Ya' know we suddenly have one more site to finish before the end of the year... hmmm.. maybe.. maybe you would have to come back and work..." He gave me that pitiful look which I am not at all sympathetic with. I looked at his blackened face [as always] and goes "What, what the fuck are you talking about!!" in my head. Yes, yes, you can't manage your time properly, I'm not sitting here and clear that shit for you. I'm out. Wait for my letter on Monday!

And, yes this is me, and my attitude. I've not done anything wrong, have I?

Randomness VI

"Even the security guard and the cleaner are much more hospitable people..."

I had a sudden hesitation over my Bangkok trip. It is 2 weeks away. All of a sudden, I see myself lost in the bustling streets of Bangkok. No plan. No where to go. This random thought gave me a fright. I'm too tired to plan, to organise it properly. Maybe I should just go with the flow...

Somewhere deep inside me, I wish I am venturing all alone!!

My manager just said something I found it so so so...foul. He's the meanest person on earth, and now he has offended me. He is to suffer. He has no rights to deprive me of my holidays, and no rights to say,"If you can't finish by next week, you can't go for your holiday." I can't tolerate the days I have to face his blackened face. He should thank God that I had been at my most efficient to get things done for the last couple of months. I've gosh...14 days of MC I never had claimed even I was sick. And with my remaining off days that I wouldn't be able to cash it or sell it, now he's saying what seem like a threat. Doubting my capability and struggling with these last minute projects due to his incapacitation has got my blood boiling. He shall handle the consequences!

Even if he meant that as a joke, he has a fucked-up-crap sense of humour.

Everything is fraying my nerves, and leaving me in a chaos. I'm starting to question things... why haven't the shop called me to collect my blouse?? where have you gone?? why am I feeling sick?? when can I travel without worrying about money?? I'm leaving...

"Gan lan qiu"

We call Rugby "gan lan qiu" in chinese. My mum named it herself "Ka na kui" in hokkien, and maybe she's right. It does sound similiar when you try to translate. My mum has a funny theory behind, the rugby ball looks like a preserved fruit, that we called "Ka na". Olives, in case you're still searching your head for an answer.

I was watching the Rugby World Cup final 1700 on Saturday and my mum joined in. Australia vs England. Excellent match, though my colleague called it men-groping-men game, I had to dismiss the thought about them being homosexual. No offence I hope, to all rugby players & fans. ;) And oh yeah, Jonny Wilkinson was the hero... woo... horray for England!!

My mum, I call her a bizarre character now. Her little ideas crack me up. Here's an example. Look at this guardian pharmacy logo, she called it "Kar kui kui" in hokkien. Whenever she told me she was shopping at "Kar kui kui", I was like "what the hell is that!!" Later I saw she named it after the logo. "Kar kui kui" by the way, means "legs open wide" in english!!

December wisher

The temperature in Singapore has fallen to a minimum of 24 degrees, it is our "winter" season. No flakes of snow, supposedly the winter rain is here. Still, you wouldn't see much people covering in coats or sweaters. Having experienced a colder spring in London, I've began to like cooler weather. Heat just melts me at a rapid rate like an exposed ice cube. December weather will most likely be the same, just right for Xmas. It's a pity Singapore will never snow... I'm waiting for an opportunity to spend a white Xmas someday.

I've taken 9 days off next month. One week I'm flying to Bangkok, my third trip out of the country. It is somehow weird, I'm not traveling with my family or friends. But two cousins and an uncle. I'm looking forward to the unexpected, traveling with new people. Another stretch of period will be from Christmas day till New year day. I made a quick count and there should be only 13 working days for me. Two weeks. It does seem short since I'll not be in the office for over 3 weeks till 2004. I've a surprise present ready a resignation letter, which I'm still pondering if I should make it as a Christmas present.

For the last two years, we have made it a habit of exchanging Xmas presents among friends and family. Though it's more of giving when it comes to my family, I'm still asserting my parents should not live their life through only traditional Chinese values. Home parties are not very common practices here, but I'd like to see it as a norm sometimes.

I'm still anticipating for a call, to collect my newly custom made pink ethnic blouse...

Helplessness, like a fat kid gulping down ice cream

I looked at his face, I melted. I was starting to detest my hesitation, it had infected my lungs and made me unable to speak. Catching glimpses of him and occasionally staring out of the restaurant, I was forking on my plate of fusilli and farfalle aimlessly and pushing into my mouth. It was difficult. Slow.

I had so much things in my mind I wanted to say. Part of me held on to those words, chucking them to the back of my head. I felt like a vulnerable robber even with a pistol in my hand, it only made me shivered with fear. Every minute I was reminded with things we have done, and they were always wonderful. Reality has given me a pinch. I can't live in my own dream anymore, trying to picture everything perfectly.

Colors are running. Time was running out, I was somehow afflicted with a disease that has made me vocally incompetent. I like him. I wish I could stab myself and asked me why!! And why is it happening?? My courageous test failed, I'm so ashamed.

I saw the end, but it wasn't it....

Song of my day

Losing my religion -- REM
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Apartment-to-be

My Future House Design Style

You are a Loyal-Protector
Famous Loyal Protectors: George Washington; George Bush; Mother Teresa

You are a master at managing complex operations, and are extremely skilled in communication and working with people. You are imbued with a sense of duty and can always be trusted on to see a project through.

You have a sense of duty and a steady temperament.

Recommended style for the Loyal-Protector: Resort

The design style which best suits your personality is the relaxed and carefree Resort look. You are not dictated by what is in vogue and have an individual style. You enjoy the freedom and tranquility of a beach resort look and would like to view your home as a refuge or escape.

Instilling, how can it not be

Wishing Stairs. Korean's latest horror movie is out tomorrow. I caught the preview with my sister, long time since the last. That was years ago. Its a funny feeling doing something together with my sister. Somehow my friends are drifting apart, I can begin to sense it. I'm too lazy to probe, and they are starting to retreat into their cave. Is the differences in our values and priority breaking our world apart?? Back to the movie, the thriller was much more terrifying than the entire show. It revolves around a gals' school, ballet and how they handle such an intense friendship, threatened with jealousy and envy.

Benson said I'm quiet in my testi [testimonial]. Its becoming a very common word being used to describe me. I guess I'm not too bothered by that. I'm in my own shell, hiding. He also made a comment that I have a "china doll" face. I stared at the mirror for few minutes, failed to see myself as one. I saw reddish cheeks, love my eyes, everything else seem to fall in place. So that's that.

Alex told me I should be truly rebellious, set myself away from typical Asians. Yes, part of me wants to do that, it is growing stronger every hour. There is an inflammable fluid flowing in my blood, its waiting to be ignited. And when that happens there will not be a quiet Trixy any longer. I'm suppressing this surging energy, there'll be an appropriate time for my reformation!!

Amelie from Montmartre. It was on Arts Central 2200 tonight. My third time watching this, it never gets any boring. The first time I saw on a VCD was bits and pieces of it. The second time, it was an uncensored version on the plane to london! And tonight, it again taught me something new. I felt like Amelie when she was helplessly shying herself away from this man she loved. I have overcame that. I began to see my bravery when it comes to expressing my interest in someone I like... yeh, I wish love is as easy to find just around a photo booth~~~

Surviving the hours

Some of you might already know I went for the movie marathon at AGF Theatre, Alliance Francaise. Saturday night. It began at 2330 and ended 0730. There was some delays here and there, due to some screening fault and the usual waiting for audience to get settled in their nest. An estimate of 8 hours with 10-15 minutes of break in between. The theatre was okay, looks like a lecture hall, a really small one though. Chairs were all right, though I had expected more comfy one.

The first show was complicated, about too many women and men. At the end of it, I was still pretty conscious. The second was a love story, slow and predictable. It managed to keep me awake still, maybe I was looking for some twist. The third, a dramatic comedy. It got so ridiculously funny at some points. Thanks for that, the laughter was the caffeine. The last one is a thai-french love story revolving around thai boxing. I wanted to catch it to see how interesting a western movie moved east. Oh, still quite cool I think.

I'm amazed at my own staying power. I was awake. But my sunday was simply bedded.

Reborn

My Beloved Terrapin

Remember the days you flew with me
Recall the days we had little games
Ya such a teeny playful thing
Forever you were part of this
God has taken its liking upon ya
Like how I always do
May ya little soul rest in peace

I returned home only to realise that the little terrapin has shut its eyes away from us, away from this world. It's hard to describe the feeling of sadness and loss. I've been in this state for a few days. And this news didn't hit me as hard. I couldn't understand why my parents and sisters didn't think such a small life is as important as ours.

I was the only one who didn't mind taking it for a bath, whom would want to play with it and gave it attention. I resent my dad for buying it and not everyone is willingly to put an effort to keep it alive. My little sister would do it some cleaning sometimes. My elder sister would shout at the little terrapin. If it has ears, it would have been a terrible shock for the poor thing.

It has been with us for a short while. Even not alive for long, it has brought great lessons to us/me where I can learn from. I've been returning late for past 4 nights, didn't have enough time to do little "games" with the little pet. Now, I see how hard it is to have a pet. Especially when you want to love it, keep it alive, make it happy, it has got a lot more than responsibility to shoulder.

I want a kitten, but only when I get independent and am able to take care of it.

I'm soooo... bitter

I hate:

My Job
The managers. The environment. The "you are the designer, you take all the shit"; the "you are the only mac user, you should be the mac expert"; the "you are the only designer, you give all the art directions BUT you must listen to my instructions"; the "no matter how little I pay you, you're going to finish all the shit, don't expect me to hire more helpers"; the "you can do all the magic and I don't care how".... crap crap crap

Me Myself
My emotional self. My impatience. My arsy attitude. My stubborn nature. My determination. My head that thinks too much and gets upset too easily. My gradually fading volleyball passion. My too ambitious dream to get independent fast.

All other things
Closeness. Involvement. Ignorance. Neglect. Hostility. Money. Strangers. Prank calls. Wrong-number calls. Pork. Whipped cream.

~~~~~~~~~~~Don't be nice to me~~~~~~~~~

We in dark dreams are tossing to and fro, Pine with regret, or sicken with despair --Keble

I'm a crumbled cookie. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside.
I'm a crumpled paper. Irreversibly wrinkled.
I'm the dried paint on the wall. Cracking and peeling.
I'm a withered pot. Leaves die, fall and shrivel.
I'm a mouldy cupcake. No one dares to eat me.
I'm black coffee. Sugarless, milkless and bitter.
I'm Super Lemon. Sweetness hidden behind sourness.
I'm a sad smilie. Inverted smile plus a drop of tear.
I'm a crooked thumbtack. Couldn't tack it straight.
I'm a spolit kid. No more toys can pamper me.
I'm a grumpy carebear. You see, it rains...
I'm an overdue movie ticket. The show is over now.
I'm one of the many potatoes in the sack. Jumping and wanting to drop out.

Some restaurant owner just conned me for a dollar, but I just can't be bothered anymore...

Prince Daniel...

I had a sweet dream, it was a fairy tale romance.

[Scene one] [Late at night] I left a pub with my sister whom went in search of a restroom. Awaiting, there I met a cute bloke. He's called Daniel. It's funny because most of the time I don't remember any names in my dreams.

[Scene two] We were walking off to some midnight supper with his friends. Why didn't I wait for my sister I don't know!! The only other weird thing is that my sister called me up talking really funny. She must be drunk but safely got home.

[Scene three] We were holding hands. Aww, I bet there was great chemistry, it all felt so sweet! He was supposed to send me home, but awkwardly it ended up with three of us walking home. One of his friends too. Ummmm..., how weird and coincidental, he lived in my neighbourhood probably on the other side. So I offered to see him home first, and his friend will walk me back. I sound like a perfect girlfriend, ha ha ha.

[Scene four] We were lost in the seemingly familiar neighborhood. Block 138. Block 137, 139... eh where's 138?? We were having a tough time locating, funny, its his flat but he couldn't recognize the way! After all this is a dream, right?

[Scene five] Oh yes, I nearly forgotten to mention, I was already seeing someone.. I was confused.

Then I woke up. What does it supposed to tell me??