An experiment

So after a long time, I decided to master the courage to go to a party to mingle again. In the past, it was usually small house parties, usually friends of friend. And that was much easier. Also when you are from a same community like couchsurfing or dragonboating, it was not too difficult to just start a conversation with another member or teammate. But to arrive at a huge party alone, not knowing anyone... I have never done this. The recent years, I'd rather be spending my time being in my comfort zone... of course except times I ventured on solo trips. To a lot of my friends, they think so highly of me. They are thinking that I must be so sociable, brave and independent. And little did they know, I'm not borned like this! I have always been challenging myself, pushing myself out of my comfort zone because I know without them my life is just like any others. I don't aspire to be famous or rich but I want my life to be fulfilling and that I can only achieve by myself and not wait on God or the others.

So last night, I did this behavioural experiment. This party was said to have at least 600 attendees. I arrived alone, less nervous than I thought. I chatted up some unfriendly ladies but that didn't spoil my night. I knew there are bound to be people like them who only wanted to talk to the opposite sex. So I continued and made conversation with another lady. In turn, it led to many more conversations... men and women.. from one group to another... one person to the other, I spoke to at least 30 at the end of the night. That's 5% of the crowd (but I doubt there were 600!). I think this is a pretty successful experiment even though by now I can't recall half of their names. But I have met some really cool people, bumped into cousin of a friend and spoke to people of various nationalities. Awesome. I begin to feel this is only a beginning.

Facing fear

I found the best way to conquer the fear is to face it. Sometimes we used distraction, avoidance or simply try to shelve them in our shadows. But the only way is probably a head-on collision with your fear.

I first experimented it with the negative feelings. Hurt, grief and anger. I allowed them to overwhelm me. I realised the first couple of weeks of avoiding only made things worse, they could roll into a huge explosive. As I let them in, they showed me how strong I actually am. They made me see that fear is only a restriction and obstacle I set upon myself. I faced them, I constantly reminded myself by revisiting the memories. It hurt lesser than I thought and sped up the grieving process.

My second experiment was swimming in the lap pool. I had a drowning incident once in Krabi, also a failed swimming test in this same pool. I almost never allowed myself to swim in a pool my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I have contemplated this experiment but never had the courage to act upon it till Tuesday. The other pool was packed and so I got into the lap pool. My plan was to swim along the shallow edges but realised in this pool, we had to do laps. Then I had fears. Fear that I would not have the energy to get to the other end; fear that half way there I would be panicking; fear that I might have a cramp and start sinking. Many negative scenarios. Then I thought about those laps I did on the 1.2m pool all the time, I managed laps with ease. So I told myself not to think about the 1.8m depth, I assured myself I wouldn't be stopping halfway thus I wouldn't even need to feel the ground. Off I went and I managed 4 laps, of course wasting a lot more energy fearing than the actual physical activity! But I did it. I faced it and I know I can do it again.

Life always brings us challenges and sometimes the best way to tackle it is to take up the challenge. You don't have to win, you just have to do your best.


Added on 8 Nov 13: I have just been reading up on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and realised this tactic is actually a behavourial experiment used to tackle NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts).

Sprang up

That which does not kill us makes us stronger - Friedrich Nietzsch


And yes, that's surely the case. After bouts of illness and downtime, it is time to bounce back up again. I have expected this, I am glad no matter how many times I have fallen, I always know I will be okay. Faith. A wonderful creation in life.

I have also read a few pyschological books on emotions and one named "Learning from the Heart" by Daniel Gottlieb. It is more than inspiring. It made me feel I was normal when anxiety hit me, when my body was reacting to a shock and I wasn't ready to feel anything. I suddenly understood.

It has been a while I can truly feel I am glowing from within. I always know I'm self-reliant. Happiness, happy food, retail therapy. I don't need anyone else to provide those. I just needed time to get back to my original state.


And yes, I need to finish off my pending Japan journal and re-join the rat race again, how fun! I am looking forward to a new start, hopefully some form of consistency in life and then my best friend's wedding in London!

It's already September

Time flies. We just celebrated one of my close friends' birthday. She has been back in Singapore for almost 1.5 years now and she is leaving soon. My heart aches. Another one comes and goes. It's already the norm, yet I can't help but still feel the pain. In the earlier years, I was away in UK, then she went away to USA for studies when I returned... Finally, we reunited but only for a short time. As the chinese phrase says, “不管天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有” (it's not the quantity, it's the quality)! I have also began to appreciate the real meaning of the phrase regarding many things in life! Joy, I will miss you!!

The wonder of optimism is making an impact on my life. Never say "No"! I have been using that during my job hunting recently, even for jobs I am uncertain about, jobs that can never pay enough... I didn't say "No". I went ahead for the interviews, some made me laugh, the others made me cry! The lessons learnt each time is only making me stronger and wiser :) Why be afraid, why do we reject? I enjoyed the time I went down to talk to the interviewers, it might not work out, but there was nothing I had to lose! I wish my younger sister is learning this but unfortunately she has been taking things a little to hard and it's difficult to make someone see positivity when one is so down.

I landed on that job I wanted, out of the 5 interviews I had and one more which had been flying my planes umpteen times. I was even surprised at my patience dealing with that last one. Perhaps there was no rush, no urgency, and I could more vividly see or focus on what I wanted. Nothing to cloud my mind! My heart has been beating so fast since... Am I ready this time? I have decided to let things happen, I will work hard and I shall enjoy this new journey! (Well, at least for the next 6 months ;))

Law of attraction

Have you heard about something called the law of attraction? If you haven't, you're missing out the cream on top of the cake. Here's Wiki's short explanation for your understanding.

Few months back, a trainer came to our office to give us a brief talk on law of attraction. It was then new to me and I actually like the idea. It's like the "Christians believing in God", "Buddhists beliving in Buddha" or me believing in miracles. You get the idea?

Anyway, I was reading this book called "Meeting Your Half-Orange" by Amy Spencer. It focuses on dating optimism. Well, using the law of attraction really, and it is inspiring. I mean, why do women have to ask ourselves,"Why did that guy not like us?" Geez, it's not our problem, is it, really. I must say this book is only meant for women, as it addresses most of our issues, especially our pessimistic way of looking at rejection. I have no idea if it works, but I'm adopting the positive thinking and going ahead with it. No harm ;) I have also shared the stories with my good friends whom are single!

I did up a love board earlier today! A friend once told me she listed the characteristics of a man she likes, and that guy appeared. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last. In the book, it tells us not to list the characteristics or how he should look like physically. We should focus on the ideal relationship we want, imagine the things we will be doing together and focus to wanting it. It will come. So I shall believe it!

p.s: It's available on Amazon.
p.p.s: I also found Amy's blog and thought I should list it for future inspiring read.

Mein DNA

Faithful Leader

Be a psychological nerd

It is the first time... someone approached me because a book I'm reading :))))

I was in the train... standing at a corner, obsessed with the book in my hand. Suddenly, this indian man in front of me came up and said,"Is this a psychological book you're reading?" I was a little taken aback but I do appreciate these observant people around... I noticed a few strangers slightly curious about this book I was reading. It's named Destructive Emotions: And how we can overcome them. I found it in the library, and it was a real-life experiment the scientists had with a Dalai Lama, and they have started to study positive emotions in psychology recently. So now you know they have been focusing too much on the negative ones in the past! It is actually a study between Buddhism and Science. Interesting, isn't it?? It's very thick, so I'm still stuck in the early chapters....

Just a little more

It takes very little to hate, to be upset, to be offended, to be angry...
but it takes just a little more to forgive, to compromise, to accept and to be happy...
It takes very little to be evil, to be cruel, to be mean, to be nasty...
but it takes just a little more to be nice, to be kind, to be generous, to be magnanimous...

As one of Heraclitus Enigma says,
"It is disease that makes health pleasant,
hunger that makes fullness good,
weariness that makes rest sweet"

Failures make us enjoy success more,
setbacks make us wiser and stronger,
negative feelings make us appreciate positive ones,
Bitterness makes sweetness more intense.

I believe everything happened for a reason, and I want to never stop learning...

Feeling extremes

Have you felt on some days nothing was bothering you, you could think clearly and feel at peace with yourself?? Another day, you just had so much anxiety that you were so restless, nothing made you feel better, nothing worked. Normal?? Are they mood swings??

How do people keep themselves positive all the time...

I've been reading, not about being happy or keeping happy... but a lot on psychology related. How to open up our mind, let us be creative and drop our assumptions. This does not only apply to just artistic people, in fact it gives so many insights about life as well. I can't seem to remember things I've read however I make it a point to understand the philosophy behind Heraclitus's epigrams (a Greek philosopher). Very interesting!!

Moving back to the point, I have been feeling so uneasy for some time, but much better at this time when I'm blogging. Else I won't even be writing. I have been thinking... like always, such a thinker... but also feeling... In another way I realised I feel a lot more than I think compared to the past. And I also realised that I now prefer to go with the flow rather than having the cards laid on the table. I like it a little more random I guess, a little unpredictable! Just as life is!

Men vs Women, Marriage vs Divorce

Upon finishing the psychological book, I have a better understanding of things behind marriage. Too bad, I can't recall everything to make a good summary, but look out for this book if ever you want to resolve that negative feelings inside you in your relationship.

Like it mentioned, men have their ego and their vulnerable side they wish no one else will see. They hid them, became distant or acted out in other way. They want to be the dominating partner in a relationship, don't want to be tied down or appear dependent on the relationship. They wish to appear emotionally strong, or refrain from expressing themselves. They are the one giving themselves the pressure, we women can only try to understand, but NOT change them.

Women are oversensitive creatures, many of us know that. A woman becomes overly suspicious, dependent and clingy and allow her fear to conquer her mind. Some women are reluctant to leave a bad relationship that promises them nothing because they didn't want to face up to it. In order to experience a real love, we women have to learn to let down our guard, let go of the past traumas, recognize the way we feel and confront it (in a proper way than just venting them).

I'm not discussing the chapters on sexuality in relationship ;) Here is a very important thing I learned: We need to become comfortable retaining our independent sense of self while remaining involved in an enmeshed and merged relationship (quoted from line 01 pg. 203 of "Is it your or is it me?" by Scott Wetzler).

The last few chapters revolve about separation and divorce which I do not totally comprehend. It gives me a rough idea but I guess on my part, its impossible to visualize the pain involved.

For most situations, we require insight to allow ourselves to understand the reasons behind without putting all the blame on the other party, to recognize we are human have such emotions (good and bad). Then we need to master them, finding constructive ways to reach a mutual solution. Next, we also need to be more tolerant and learn to forgive, in this way we let go of the anger :)

Does this sound difficult?? I guess life is just a course of learning... :))

Disappointment & Anger

I have read another further 3 chapters. It's about coping with anger and disappointment which we very often experience in relationships. Our partner or even us might be part of the cause, but then the start of either of this is due to our own expectation. We want it from them, we expect a reaction from them, we assume they will be what we have in mind. Then again, we are wrong. We should work within their limitation, we should focus on the benefits we gained being together and not count the flaws. So right!

*I hope I'm not infringing the copyright... hehe. I'm just translating them in my own words and personal view, so some of you out there might find this useful**

Why we argue?

I am reading this psychological book revolving around arguments between couples. Okay, I didn't get this because I was seeking for some help on my relationship. In fact, the title captured my attention for a longer than three-seconds span and so I decided to add to my borrowing list.

I've only read the first two chapters but on a busy day like today (I'm a quick reader I think). It's describing about scenarios where partner blames each other for a specific arising quarrel. All just because of our "preconception" (you might want to look this up in a "medical" dictionary?). Why do some couples fight so often, argue so much or feel so miserable in a relationship?? (I feel like a psychologist now!!)

Most of the time, they come from within - emotions. There is no right or wrong in most situations, because each of us look at a particular thing in our own perception. We make our assumption, accusation and conclusion - with our own mindset of course. So how often are we right?? When we start pointing finger, we didn't consider how we could have directed that negative feeling (frustration, anxiety, sadness, etc) into something more constructive. And of course, it takes two hands to clap.

Coming back to me, I don't think I want to elaborate on my own experiences. But these did happen, and today we have resolved that without this book. I'm pretty eager to finish reading, I wonder if my little childhood ambition of becoming a psychologist would have turned me into one if I followed that dream.

And to me, divorce is not a loss of love and feelings but instead the inability to cope with the rising conflicts and his/her poor problem-solving skills. I can't say much on this, until maybe I first understand the meaning of a marriage. Or maybe just let me finish the book and I'll see if I change this perception :))