YOLO

The fears of the first world country I seem to have experienced all of them in the last year and a half.

1. Losing someone in the family
2. Falling ill
3. Dating a jerk
4. Laptop crashed
5. Losing the photos on my phone
6. Finding a job I like
7. Losing a steady income to join a circus

Speaking of all the losses, I seem to have gained much more than before.

1. I can be me, myself and I
2. Death is a part of life, so are illnesses
3. Choosing to be fit is a choice, skip the nonsense excuses e.g. no time
4. Photos are never as important and valuable than the experiences and memories
5. You need to meet a jerk to know what kind of guy you do not want
6. It's now or never, money or fun
7. Try, try, try till you find it
8. No one said life has to be fair or a fairytale, create your own luck and destiny
9. Trust your guts

Ideally

In an ideal world, things never end. The lovers will always have an exciting life together, the kids will never grow up, the loved ones will never die. The food will always be good. Conversations are always fruitful. Friends are plenty, the enemies will die, people you hate are cursed with eternal bad luck and people you love prosper and share it with you. Wow. This is my ideal world but it comes in the form of a non lucid world. Dream.

Closure who?

Q: Are you looking for one?
A: I am afraid he's not here all the time.

That is life. Sometimes there just isn't any closure. He's out having fun. Who said life is fair, not many. Recently, watching "The Lovely Bones" taught me this. Life has to move on, everything around you will not wait for you... Stop pressing that "pause" button on your life! Like a merry-go-round, keep going and one day you will get out of that spiral movement...

Reinciting

It's 1.24am. The sky was sounding bolts of thunder few minutes ago, I thought it would rain. It still hasn't. But I hear the echoes. It will.

I just finished a Skype conversation with my best mate in London. It's always so comforting. We have been through a lot together and it would seem we will be sticking together for a long time. Distance is nothing for us. I hope the love I find will be this perfect.

I watched a few videos of Nick Vujicic just before my lappy called it a night. The man behind "Life Without Limbs". I almost cried watching them. What are the few setbacks we encountered compared to his? I watched him tell that story of him and his wife and suddenly I asked myself, have I been looking for the wrong things? Perhaps I was. But definitely after Japan, I had in mind all the right things. The values and the things I wanted from this person I wanted to meet (nothing material or physical I was asking for)... and now I realised I forgot something, I have forgotten to focus how I wanted this person to make me feel and how his values should somehow match mine. I have overlooked. Thanks Kanae for reminding me!

Movember

November reminds me of Movember, where people celebrated for a cause by growing a 'mo'. It has been a year then! Wow. I'm definitely getting nearer and nearer to where I want to be. Thanks to all the signs leading my life till here today.

Yet life is often making me ponder... Is this really where I want to head? Should I try something? I often have an answer inside me, it's responding to a calling. There's so many people who complain about their lives, why don't ask yourself why? It is there to make us think, it happens so we can then pave our path.

The last few days when work really bugged me along with a recovering sickness, it pulled me down. The following morning, I forcefully pulled back my positivity jacket because I knew I wasn't going to let it get me down. That afternoon, I feel enlightened. Things got better and my head was clearer. I had another thought, and maybe I should work towards that! My motivation returned, my focus too.

Why am I here? I know the answer - I am here to learn, to try, to do a good job and get the money for the next phase of my life. Europe is calling me. I hear him.

What are we living for...

Again. I had some random thoughts.

We are all borned with nothing and will leave empty-handed. Yet while we live, many of us strive for wealth, power or even fame... We almost forgot about true happiness. And that doesn't come from those things we are striving for.

I visited Marisa with my aunties and uncle earlier today. Soon we have to say goodbye. Even though she has only about 17 years this life, maybe she has had a happier one than some others. She has doting parents, she was able to study, she was able to have what she wanted, she had a roof over her head, friends and never needed to starve. And in this world, some people have much worse lives than hers. Someone from the church came to say a little prayer for her. She said God is taking her back.

Again, it makes me think, is it often worth it to live without seeking true happiness (contentment)?

Marrying a job

I feel that a job is like a boyfriend. Once you have one, you spend lots of time with it. You sleep thinking about it, it stresses you out, yet it can also provide you with a sense of security, belonging and happiness.

If so, I am out of love again. Why? Because I met the wrong guy?

A contract job sounds like a fling. A job of 10 years seems like a husband. If so, one of my friends just got divorced... It is a very scary thing if that husband happened to be your first love too. From the sound of things, she sounded like she is going to be on a rebound soon. She told me she felt like taking on a job she doesn't feel happy with while she searches for the right one. That's not the way! Having been on a few flings before, I definitely have a different perspective. While she probably felt like she has wasted so many years on that ex-husband, she wants to try a few guys before deciding now. Well, if things are that easy! Many a times, we go by first impression and gut feelings before jumping into a relationship. How often do you think he happens to be "The One"?

"You never try, you never know." My philosophy. So maybe flings suit you while you want to find the perfect husband. But I do realise maybe there is none so perfect afterall, you just need to find one that would give you that happiness, that would not forsake you in events of illness, hardship and bankruptcy. How true?

What I want

When I met the first one...
I went,"Oh that's interesting, I can really give it a go."

Then when I met the second...
I thought,"Hey, this is even closer to my goal!"

Then when the third and forth and fifth started arriving..
The choices just got better and better.

So is having choices often a good thing or they often can't let us make up our minds? You tell me.

Is there even a destiny?

I'm awake and thinking. As usual, I wish my brain is more retarded, it would save me some sleeping time. I just read a friend's wife's blog, a cancer survivor. I don't know her but she is an inspiration, her blog is so often filled with optimism revolving around her life stories. Even an entry on her trip to the dentist was a good entertainment. Then I got linked to another blog who quoted a phrase, saying something along the line, that if bad things didn't befall, most wouldn't cherish what's around them. So true but I certainly don't want them to happen too. I always make myself promise to cherish the things and people around me, but its always easier said than done. I am thankful for everything even though imperfect. But only with imperfection, there's room for improvement. Change is like my only constant. I always believe changes are good when things are too stagnant, and are somewhat limiting you from releasing the full.potential. I also trust that the people we met along the way came into our lives for a purpose (probably said this before) and when time is up, they leave. Some stay to fulfil a greater purpose. Do you believe so?

Signs

Life is always giving us signs to guide us along. If you read "The Red String Book", it says our journey is actually to discover ourselves, to make us grow and wise up. Do you believe it? Many probably didn't know what's the purpose of life? Many of us chase after fame, wealth and status, why we do need them? Do we really need so much money to survive? Are we chasing blindly because everyone else is doing the same. I don't have an answer. Recently I got upset with certain things and some people. Why make myself miserable when they probably don't care? I take them as a sign to move to, to initiate something to lead to something else. Do I want to sulk, complain, get stuck in the situation without doing anything... Quite impossible. So get on with life, smile along the journey, it will be a breeze.

My life without 3G

A couple walked into the train cabin I was in today, they stood in front of me. They exchanged a word before they whipped out their own phones. After that, they seemed like they don't know each other. Technology these days has taken affection out of most people's daily life.

Instead of walking over to have a word, some people choose to MSN or even whatsapp when they are in the SAME house. Even in the office, when you're 1 metre away, you send emails back and forth. I still like the personal touch of talking face-to-face; if I'm not too tied up and the other party isn't, I would rather we have a discussion then send a final email than writing to and fro. In the past, we would make an effort to make a phone call or even memorize your best friend's phone number. Nowadays, you're dead when you lose your phone, you probably don't even remember your parents' mobile numbers (at least I believe you remember your house number!). Not to mention how heartwarming it is to receive a handwritten card or letter than an email.

Most of my friends are carrying iPhone, they asked me why I don't want to get one? Yes, since they have it, it might be easy for me, we can play the same games and use the same applications. But a phone is just a phone to me, and I don't want it to take over my life. I know if I have both a data plan and an iPhone (probably don't even need to be an iPhone, just any smartphone), I would be like that person down the street whom I dislike. Those people that walk with their phone in their hand ALL THE TIME, they look at it from the time they step out of their house right till they get into the office. I just don't want to be one of them.

Social media is a part of my life and I am happy to have access to it when I have wifi. But if I have 3G, I would be on it every moment I have my phone with me. That's so destructive. I find it therapeutic to live without my phone when I go on holidays.

Today I realised...

The early bird really catches the worm, and its a big fat one.

The word "nice" is very vague and also subjective. It often doesn't last a long time.

The sweets I have been eating is actually Anise drops and not liquorice. I quote this from wikipedia, "It is known for its flavor, which resembles liquorice, fennel and tarragon... Anise can be used to relieve menstrual cramps." Good to know!

Money are like weekends, we can never have enough.

Intellect is the new sexy. Curly hair, good looks and sugar coated mouth are barely enough.

Nail colors to me is like sweets for a kid. I can't get enough of them, even if they risk a tooth decay. Speaking about that, it's about time to change color.

Most Singaporeans are not gracious at all, I feel disgraced.

Sometimes I am so comfortable with my own life that I do not know how to fit someone in, if needed.

My crush is still pretty attractive. Absence does make the heart fonder.

Spinning didn't help me lose any weight. It was probably quite a bit of toning up. I guess I need to kick the cake craving, or significantly decrease it!

Be grateful

This evening, I paid a visit to little Charmaine and my friend, Cyn (you can check out her blog by clicking the banner on the right hand side). It's good to see them again, especially that Char is recovering well from the operation on Friday. Now she can move her legs!

Whenever I see them, I often think those whom have complained about all the smallest things in life should get to know them. They should feel for those whom are struggling to survive, those whom are starving in the poor countries, those whom cannot afford a roof over their heads... Those people whom are unhappy, you have a choice to be happy, do something. Some people are left with no other choices, they are terminally ill, they are borned in a country with poverty, they are borned handicapped. But the rest of you, you're not... So get a life! Be happy you have a job, be happy you have enough money to survive, be happy you have limbs to use, be happy you always have food to eat.

Signing my life away

I'm freaking out. Happy but nervous. What an irony?

Somehow, a permanent job hasn't happened for some years and by right I should be happy about it. There's so much more to look forward to and also to better benefits than being a contract staff. But the contracts allowed me to regain freedom and my spontaneous travelling, that is something I am going to miss. But I'm sure travelling when I have a permanent job won't be any lesser as I have now a very good number of annual leave :) I was told I might have chances to travel for work - Wow, something I didn't expect but great, I won't say "NO" till I'm at the age where I'm sick of it. At least, not for a long time!

Things I do look forward to are actually very simple... I miss having my own desk and one I can decorate it as if I'm staying for a long time. I can bring my own mug, slippers, jacket and stick funny notes on my desk! This hasn't happened for a long time, in my last job, I worked in a meeting room for most time, I only got a desk for 3 days??? There was no sense of belonging, no form of security. It's contradicting, I dread being tied down but I do enjoy the fact that I belong somewhere! This now feels like I'm getting married to my job... very scary. What a complicated mind I have...

I look forward to new colleagues and new experiences. I never reject these in my life, they are exciting moments! I have a feeling that my "boss" is someone quite easy to work with too and hope my instincts these days are accurate! He's scottish and apparently very nice from the 3 times I have met him. Also, the team in the UK, I hope we will have a good working chemistry!

For now, I guess I better shop for some proper working clothes as the environment is different from the last few places I was in.

**Still feeling the butterflies in my stomach!!!**

Are you "kidding"?

GV's birthday treat kinda sucks, 1-for-1 movie deal is only for those not on free listing, so it already means you can't watch 70% of the films they are showing. What kind of treat is it really?? Oh well, better than nothing yay? So out of all the action packed films going on that are not on the list, I found a light-hearted romantic comedy, The Switch. It doesn't seem like the best but it was the best out of the limited choices.

So anyhow, I watched it and it was not bad for a relaxing afternoon. I specially like the involvement of the kid Sebastian and Wally's friend, Leonard (played by Jeff Goldblum), they made the show so funny. I'm not a big fan of Jennifer Aniston but I do like Jason Bateman which I saw him first in Juno. He oozes manly charm ;) The show is about Kassie (played by Jennifer Aniston) being a 40-year-old single woman who wanted to have a kid, and so she was on a look out for sperm donor. It turned out that her best friend Wally (played by Jason Bateman) was against the idea and in his drunken stupor he switched the content of the container (you know what) with that of his own. And thus the title, The Switch.

My verdict: 3.5/5


After the movie, it really got me thinking... I'm sure in reality, some people are doing it and even men will be finding surrogate mums to have kids. I decided to try this idea on some people I know that are of or over the ideal marriageable age. So one of them actually believed that I wanted to do this, LOL. His reply, though in a joking manner, was "So when do you want the xxxxx?" Then another one,"Oh and on the subject of xxxxx donation... how come you never ask me? I might want to donate too you know." But not before he said this,"You are not unwanted... just undiscovered. Just like the bluest diamond in the world." So sweet that it would melt my heart (not melted by him literally) but you know... It's very amusing but well, I mean why not, if I really want kids and at a certain age, no one really suitable comes along? This is an option, right?

It's a small small world

A few random incidents had me concluded that the world is this small after all, never mind the billions of people out there... and not to say the near 5 millions in Singapore, yet it still can be so tiny.

I have a "new" colleague, she's not that new now... but recently I got to know her a little better. Little did I know that she's the wife of my ex-colleague in my previous (x2) job. It happened that I worked with her husband before, we were in the same project and I was actually working closely with him then. Hahaha. But for now, I have not told him that I have met his wife, because it's going to be a surprise when we meet at Universal Studios tomorrow for the staff event.

This morning, I was speaking to a friend... You must have heard of Benjamin Mok, the cyclist who was knocked down and killed in a road accident, the news is everywhere. I caught it on television, but I didn't know or couldn't possibly imagine that this Ben actually is the same person that my friend was referring to all the while! It's alarming to comprehend the fact that someone close to you can suddenly leave you any moment! I don't know how I would feel if someone once so close to me is dead, even if I hated him so much... or worse if I loved him just as much. To the loved ones of Ben, my condolences.

The best things in life

I am speaking to a friend right this moment and he suddenly asked about my last Kota Kinabalu trip... we were sharing experiences and then he told me I missed out the best of Kinabalu. To me, I had a wonderful trip, pleasant company and that is already the best for me. I wonder how people categorize "best", is doing what most people do the best thing? Climbing Mt Kinabalu no doubt is one of the must-do for many in Sabah, but to me it's not a priority because I have been to the place and I have seen Mt Kinabalu right from Kinabalu Park. I don't have to be above the clouds. I chose not to climb at 2am in the cold and darkness. I guess the best for me is a much easier solution than for all. If you ask me what's the best thing to do in London, I wouldn't say visit the Tower of London, Big Ben or even go up on The London Eye... The best is to enjoy each moment you're there, even if you're lost or missed the last ferry and had to miss the start of your tour (like I did, but the rest of the journey was awesome because I chose to see it that way). Because very often, not the best leaves you profound memories... but how you decide to perceive something, because then you'll often experience the best :)

And anticipation awaits...

I am finally on my way to Taiwan... well, not now. In July.

It has been on my list of destinations for a while, like Australia, Japan and Northern & Central Vietnam. Let me get to those later! After a few years of delay and procrastination, this is happening - almost couldn't believe it! I intended to visit in January 2010, but due to the Hong Kong trip which I took my parents last year, I couldn't, it burnt a hole in my pocket. But now I am ready... well I will be by July :)

It was a shame it wasn't the cheapest flight, but to save the hassle of flying from KL (Well, Air Asia had a no-one-can-beat-it offer!), I decided to go with Jetstar's promotion. I am not a fan of budget airlines nowadays, especially since they started to incur so many hidden costs (for checked in luggage, for picking a seat, for credit card facilitating fee)... I think we as customers felt cheated when you see another amount added onto the supposedly "promotional" price. What to do? I save merely S$160, which I would be given food, choice of seat and free in-flight movies if I have chosen Cathay (which will transit in HK, thus almost doubling the traveling time).

I booked the flight on Sunday, just a day before the promotion ended. Many dates were sold out for the cheapest seats, so I had to carefully plan and 14 days that is! It was nerve-wrecking as I did not have anything else planned except for getting the flight sorted out first. I wonder how much I can see in 14 days and how much I will have to spend for 14 days... but well, I will tell you when I'm back! I finally paid for the flight last evening on the SAM machine after much hesitation... my heart was pounding for the whole of Monday afternoon. By surrendering my money to them, it's non-refundable and it means I AM GOING TO TAIWAN!!!

I decided to sleep away my worries last night... I haven't been on a solo trip since 2005, and this is going to be another start. I know, it will be an adventure but I just can't help being such a worrisome loser... Singapore is a horrible horrible place to "want to be independent"!!!! It's protected, sheltered, convenient and anyone who stays long enough just become some kind of coddled babies. I certainly miss my life back in London where I would learn to handle crisis when it comes. Right here right now, even booking a holiday to somewhere alone, I'm clouded with so many vexing thoughts which I shouldn't even bother, or if I had a choice I don't want to be bothered! I want my life back!!!!!!

I know for sure, going to Taiwan will find back the old "me", the "me" I want to be... and therefore I know it is the right decision. I shall look forward to it... I have so many ideas (going to Ceramics museum and perhaps make something for myself? staying in a wonderful minsu by the beach? couchsurfing? doing nature trails?), so many places I'd like to go and I think 14 days is a barely minimum. Another consolation is that my friend will be in Taipei nearing my end of stay and we can probably hang out.

台灣，请歡迎和期待我的到來吧！

Weds in a dump

Rainy Wednesday. Cloudy thoughts. Dampened mood.

I don't understand why...

• Women wear super high heels on rainy days and had to walk slow as snails.
• Men still think of cheating when they already are with someone.
• A human that resembles a fat cat is as lazy as one.
• People at work need to be moved, be chased, be harassed before they can reply emails.
• Diamonds are woman's best friends.
• Delicious soups take so much trouble to make, unhealthy ones are sold everywhere in supermarkets.
• There isn't a term "Thank God it's Monday!".
• There's only 24 hours and there is so much to do - Sleep for at least 6 hours, eat, shower, make up (for women) & skin care , commute, make meals (for hardworking people), laundry (for hardworking people), iron (for hardworking people), do sports (for hardworking people), relax (doing something you like - shop, watch TV, read, write, surf internet), run errands (grocery shop, wrap a gift for a friend), socializing after office hours, and spend at least 9 hours at work. And many a times, you simply can't finish all of these in one day! It seems like I only iron once in months, or only when I want to wear something that particular day! And of course, God will reply, "That's why I created weekends!"... But God, life is too short to wait for weekends!!

3

March.

Time shot past like a bullet train. It seems like yesterday we were all celebrating the arrival of 2010, and now 2 months are already in history. Perhaps it was also because one of my BFFs returned home for holiday, and so it just flew by...

No public holiday in March. Work is dragging day by day. I often asked myself why are we working?? Some people just became entrepreneurs while the rest of us are just slogging for companies that doesn't even provide excellent welfare or career progression. Is it a choice? Is it luck? Is it timing? Is it capability? Or is it just money?

So often I'm so exhausted... so often I found myself knocking out earlier and earlier than usual... so often I lost the inspiration and energy to write... so often my camera finds me neglecting it... so often I want to do something based on my emotions but my head tells me otherwise... so often I blame God for creating complicated humans.