YOLO

The fears of the first world country I seem to have experienced all of them in the last year and a half.

1. Losing someone in the family
2. Falling ill
3. Dating a jerk
4. Laptop crashed
5. Losing the photos on my phone
6. Finding a job I like
7. Losing a steady income to join a circus

Speaking of all the losses, I seem to have gained much more than before.

1. I can be me, myself and I
2. Death is a part of life, so are illnesses
3. Choosing to be fit is a choice, skip the nonsense excuses e.g. no time
4. Photos are never as important and valuable than the experiences and memories
5. You need to meet a jerk to know what kind of guy you do not want
6. It's now or never, money or fun
7. Try, try, try till you find it
8. No one said life has to be fair or a fairytale, create your own luck and destiny
9. Trust your guts

Facing fear

I found the best way to conquer the fear is to face it. Sometimes we used distraction, avoidance or simply try to shelve them in our shadows. But the only way is probably a head-on collision with your fear.

I first experimented it with the negative feelings. Hurt, grief and anger. I allowed them to overwhelm me. I realised the first couple of weeks of avoiding only made things worse, they could roll into a huge explosive. As I let them in, they showed me how strong I actually am. They made me see that fear is only a restriction and obstacle I set upon myself. I faced them, I constantly reminded myself by revisiting the memories. It hurt lesser than I thought and sped up the grieving process.

My second experiment was swimming in the lap pool. I had a drowning incident once in Krabi, also a failed swimming test in this same pool. I almost never allowed myself to swim in a pool my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I have contemplated this experiment but never had the courage to act upon it till Tuesday. The other pool was packed and so I got into the lap pool. My plan was to swim along the shallow edges but realised in this pool, we had to do laps. Then I had fears. Fear that I would not have the energy to get to the other end; fear that half way there I would be panicking; fear that I might have a cramp and start sinking. Many negative scenarios. Then I thought about those laps I did on the 1.2m pool all the time, I managed laps with ease. So I told myself not to think about the 1.8m depth, I assured myself I wouldn't be stopping halfway thus I wouldn't even need to feel the ground. Off I went and I managed 4 laps, of course wasting a lot more energy fearing than the actual physical activity! But I did it. I faced it and I know I can do it again.

Life always brings us challenges and sometimes the best way to tackle it is to take up the challenge. You don't have to win, you just have to do your best.


Added on 8 Nov 13: I have just been reading up on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and realised this tactic is actually a behavourial experiment used to tackle NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts).

Lost in the forest

Procrastination is a sin, yet I always have a valid reason for it. Popped 3 pills the last days, my blocked nose doesn't seem to be getting better. I am getting lost and seemingly finding my way back again. For a moment, I lost that focus, I wandered and wondered. I am still wondering. I read a fair bit the last weeks... it has always been inspiring. I also wrote a lot more than I did in the last year. For another moment, I am scared. Scared of things that will come eventually in life, death... not of myself though. For another moment, I miss some people I lost. Some good, some bad... that doesn't seem to matter anymore. Life's not always rosy, isn't it? I'm slowly uncluttering my life, sorting things out very systematically... hopefully most will be sorted this week. And more hopefully I want to recover for a swim and a self-deserved hi-tea... and be energetic enough to go for interviews and get back to a routine for a while.

I have lost him

Everyone of us have lived with losses at some point in our lives. As I read the status of an old classmate, he's not the only one I heard grieving over the loss of a loved one. Two people I know lost their dad in the last year... I can't comprehend that feeling but I do have the fear that I might be living with that regret they have. Dad is never close to me in my heart. I don't know why but in some ways we have grown apart as I grow up. I never could talk to him like a friend or even the same way I do with mum. In another way, I despise him for his shortcomings, for his inability to give us a sense of security when we grew up, for his cowardice after his retrenchment, for his monotonous life he is seemingly happy with. I guess I wanted him to be a better person than he is but obviously that isn't going to happen. Everyday I live, wishing that one day I can finally see it from his point of view or perhaps accept it but I fail terribly. Maybe one day... and I hope that's not too late.

Imperfection

I have cold feet. I almost felt like I'm having an anxiety attack, I don't know why but I haven't been feeling at ease since the return from Bali. Bali always brings out one's deepest fear. I'm not sure why but go there and feel it. It has that effect. Feeling nauseous and stuffed at the same time can be a really shitty feeling. I don't know if I should be thankful but I probably should. Life has given me what I have asked for, granted me simple pleasures in life and there are only things to be learnt from. Embrace it! Learn to embrace the changes that come. I seem to able to cope better than I thought. Thanks to wisdom that gives me strength! For now, let me continue to enjoy what life has given me... :)

If there's no imperfection, how can you tell it apart when you meet the perfect one?

2 jahre

2 years contract. Even though it isn't tying me down, but somehow I feel like it's a commitment. And I still haven't lost that phobia... the fear that I'm stuck and can't run away from it. Well, I'm talking about a job offer presented to me earlier today... In fact, I have not sent out any resume as I was waiting to see what was going to be offered to me. I have it now, but it's not the best... Actually not as good as I expected it to be. But it felt right, and maybe it will feel right?? I have been doing so many contracted jobs and even though this is another of those, it is 2 YEARS!

Can I see myself in it for 2 years?? Maybe. Time seems to pass so quickly, even my supervisor whom was there a year ago has left for greener pasture. And perhaps my 2 years will be over in another few blinks... and I have saved enough to do what I will like to do - study?

Life is a mystery but live it the way you're most happy with... because it might be too short - before you know it, it's gone!

What is home??

Is everyone out there, away from home, supposed to be thinking of home?? Missing home?? Should we be getting all the warm fuzzy nice feelings when you think of where you belong to...??

I am having doubts about how I should feel. So does a lot of people I see around me. People who don't miss home, is there a problem with them, or with their home?? Do they not want to return; do they fear to be going back? I think I am beginning to dread of the idea of going home once again.

Love. Parents. Siblings. The flat. My bed. My tarot cards. My book collection. My... I can't think of any more things. Aren't they supposed to be lovely?? But all I get is a lot of pressure about returning home, about a huge responsibility to carry, and that horrible life of being stuck in Singapore forever!! It is not that Singapore is not the place for me, I can imagine myself there... but not being burdened with responsibilities towards my home for the rest of my life.

I can't possibly imagine my dad retiring at 56 and sits at home for the rest of his life, not going out. I do not want to think of my mum playing mahjong for the rest of her life. My sisters and me, will be earning hardly enough to pay for ourselves and everyone's expenses. And to do that for the rest of my life, no way! I want to support them, so does every children... but not the idea of "leeching" and totally dependent on us to survive. I can't imagine.

Is it me, or is it cultures?? Is Singapore really like this - so traditional, so close-minded!! Or is that just my family?? It is horrible to say so, but I don't look forward to life back in Singapore again! Not anymore...

This is the feeling!!!

Something I wanted for so long...

Feeling unbearable to leave home, excited to be on the roam again, and at the same time looking forward to my return. That was what I lacked the last time I left, and this time I'm relieved I feel this way. I remember feeling fed up about home, friends and Singapore, the trip was like an escape to heaven, and it caught me there. I didn't want to descend down to earth again, the horrible horrible place. Home for 4 months, I gradually developed a deeper love for this country, the people I know and love. It didn't come straight away, but after constant struggles with my inner self for some time - time where I slept a lot more, eat a lot less, think a lot more...

Who is to say the world is full of danger? My parents still believe that, unfortunately. Undoubtedly, their heart and soul are too rooted to the Singapore ground, and they have no desire to see the world - the real world. All this traveling will make us learn something, of course I don't mean the luxurious stays in hotel, expensive spas and big concerts. I mean that independence spirit that first get you going, and the cultural experience, I'm already hooked!

I'm dreaded thinking of the day I'll be sitting in the plane. Ahh, it will be the 6th airline I've conquered so far :))