I couldn't agree more

Your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in Honesty.

In other words, your commitment to leading an honest life, and your belief in the truth, directly affect how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.

For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can share all your thoughts and feelings — good or bad. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in honesty and the range of emotions it triggers.

Test taken from tickle.com

A part of me that is forgotten...

... has surfaced again.

I was equally surprised by an email and its sender. That name once rang in my head has since been hidden somewhere, just like an old favorite T-shirt now put away in a little corner, weighed under piles and heaps of other clothes. I felt the swelling of tears in my eyes, such identical to the gloomy weather right now and that feeling that rain might come anytime soon. It was sunny when I left home, but I could sense the threat of the upcoming storm with the occasional thunder and the "come-and-go" hovering grey clouds.

As I clicked on that message, I didn't feel eager or afraid... perhaps curious. Not happy, no. I caught myself stuck reading the first two sentences, over and over again. For umpteen times. It's as if it is beyond my control. I have had a scan through the mail but like the usual me, I need to read it slowly to get it into me. I finished a few sentences but didn't feel that these should "get into" me. I need to just read it quick and then chuck it somewhere!

Before I could finish, the tears had been a little too heavy on those eye lids... although I think there's nothing embarrassing being emotional after all it does is something very dramatic!! I don't know what else to say after reading, not to mention feeling anything. It took me a while to get back to the 'hippy happy' me again... but some of the sentences are stuck in my head and seems to be playing over and over again when I've an extra second free.

I don't have any bad feeling (fortunately) nor the good ones, I'm glad the hardest is over and all should be a history. A memory??? Perhaps...

Can I not dream tonight, can I not tear tonight...

Just finished watching THE RING 0 on television, yes, that japanese horror film that a lot of people dread to keep their eyes open throughout. I didn't think I watched this episode, however it didn't seem as scary as "1" I think... probably due to the dark scenes and lesser sound effects. Some people are fearful, some think horror films are a bore. I think horror films do take up a lot of creativity to make the audience become frightened, don't you think? I think of all films as artistic as long as they are meant to keep us glued to the screen - just my thoughts...

I am getting restless, not sure why. Is it the letter I wrote earlier, is it the text messages I have been receiving from this particular person, or is it just the woman's hormones at work... I wish I know. It's 2am now. My mind is like the chalkboard just wiped clean but still left with the chalks' trail... figuring what was written on the board. Can I stop myself from thinking tonight, can I not dream tonight... Can I just lay on my lovely soft feather pillow and slept till the morning sun shines into my room?

I'm not sad, but like a command tears come easy... One moment I can be happily doing something, the next I just feel a little down. I'm a little tired from the waiting, the job hunting, and finding that perfect job. I'm getting impatient but I need patience. Like I read on the papers, job hunting is never an easy task, its a 24/7 job. Yes, now I understand. I also understand I need a good sleep now!

Write it out

I was writing a letter earlier, supposedly to be nice and composed... However as I got started, it all just began to change... The tone of it turned to anger and agitation. It got out of control and I couldn't help but kept writing as my overwhelmed state of mind urged me to do so... I love writing and very often it has been a way for expressing my feelings.

Sometimes I really wonder the magic of being able to point them out in your writings. As I was reading John Gray's original book "Mars & Venus - A match made in heaven?", it mentioned writing feeling letter does help in releasing those negative feelings. Oh yea, in case you're wondering there's a Times Book Sale now going on, oh,oh, and the John Little Sale too.

I am hesitating to post it now, but I never or hardly ever trashed my letters... So I guess it has to go.

Red red sky

I don't feel sad but I feel like crying tonight. Let the tears flow... Have you ever felt like this when you don't feel anything anymore and you still get all teary. Just like the weather the night before... it was all cloudy, I was searching for the usual moon I always watch before I sleep... and suddenly it made me realised a lot of things... the weather tonight is exactly the same... the moon is not there... and I just want to cry :)))

Bad days... shoo...

There are days you just feel miserable, even when nothing went wrong. No bad hair day, not the time of the month (women!), not the extra love handle. But you just feel like shit.

I don't know how many people out there has experienced this, is this called the "Mood swing"??

I think it's like a terminal illness - very destructive. You feel bad about yourself, you feel blue and miserable, yet nothing is really the cause of it. You get ultra-sensitive with words' usage, with the tone of speech, and most importantly you take things seriously. <-- That is mad!!!

I am glad it is over!

Are you an emotional creature?

I bet many of people out there are just as emotional as me, you think just as much as me. No doubt, you're as sensitive as I can be. I found a reason, one that has reflected on myself. The cause is that we are affected too much by people around us, e.g. our friends, our loved ones, even strangers. We analyze too much, feel too much, hurt too much, fear too much, think too much... To break free from our own "emotional" world, we have to leave our heavy baggage behind, dropping them bit by bit. By the time we found a reasonable weight we are able to burden ourselves with, we will not be "over-emotional". What do you think??

Disappointment & Anger

I have read another further 3 chapters. It's about coping with anger and disappointment which we very often experience in relationships. Our partner or even us might be part of the cause, but then the start of either of this is due to our own expectation. We want it from them, we expect a reaction from them, we assume they will be what we have in mind. Then again, we are wrong. We should work within their limitation, we should focus on the benefits we gained being together and not count the flaws. So right!

*I hope I'm not infringing the copyright... hehe. I'm just translating them in my own words and personal view, so some of you out there might find this useful**

Overflowing

Women.

Do most women have over-flowing affection, or maybe just me?? So often I find myself giving so much of what I have, to be returned with much lesser of what I can expect. I can't seem to find myself swallowing in self-pity or blaming the women's nature, but instead I hold on to the hope that one day just one man can so perfectly understand how I feel and reciprocate more often.

So much had those sweet-talking worked on me, it doesn't have that same effect anymore. I'm just a normal woman craving for so much affection!

Em0tiona!!y F#cked Up

Sorry about the harsh words... But its crap!!

Crap to be feeling emotionally empty. Not lonely. Its the feeling you can't go with your emotions. I hate the women's inborn gift to be more more more emotional than men. To know yourself by heart but to follow through by head. Things happened, as they do all the time. Every passing day minus away the time I'm left here is filled with my own anxiety and rashness. Doing things you do not have self-control about, engaging in stuffs you'll have to withdraw from later. I don't think you guys understand what I'm bullshitting about right now. It's just me!!

mmm... fuck the hormones :(

Women cry for no reason

Or at least I do...

I was mentally stressed out, physically tired and emotionally drained. For the past week, a holiday didn't manage to help me relax, and coming back to work with a lot more to think about is driving me up the wall! There's too much going on and too much to be done. It's overloading!! I'm completed fucked up at work, in social life and love life. How frustrating can that be...

I met a friend yesterday. I'm totally unprepared I'd have broke down in tears. There isn't a reason, really. He has made me felt so comfortable in his company that my tears flowed down so easily. For once in so many months, I let out a sense of relief. I feel better. Men do not understand women, and never will they (they might think they do). I can't give a reason for my sudden emotional stir up, but the fact that if I do cried in front of you... I'm feeling safe with you. I trust you.

I'm a woman who has nowhere to turn to, I'm a woman who cries. I'm a human, I need breathing space. Everything that is going on in my life right now is suffocating me, an oxygen mask does not work anymore. I need everyone to leave...

Helplessness, like a fat kid gulping down ice cream

I looked at his face, I melted. I was starting to detest my hesitation, it had infected my lungs and made me unable to speak. Catching glimpses of him and occasionally staring out of the restaurant, I was forking on my plate of fusilli and farfalle aimlessly and pushing into my mouth. It was difficult. Slow.

I had so much things in my mind I wanted to say. Part of me held on to those words, chucking them to the back of my head. I felt like a vulnerable robber even with a pistol in my hand, it only made me shivered with fear. Every minute I was reminded with things we have done, and they were always wonderful. Reality has given me a pinch. I can't live in my own dream anymore, trying to picture everything perfectly.

Colors are running. Time was running out, I was somehow afflicted with a disease that has made me vocally incompetent. I like him. I wish I could stab myself and asked me why!! And why is it happening?? My courageous test failed, I'm so ashamed.

I saw the end, but it wasn't it....

We in dark dreams are tossing to and fro, Pine with regret, or sicken with despair --Keble

I'm a crumbled cookie. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside.
I'm a crumpled paper. Irreversibly wrinkled.
I'm the dried paint on the wall. Cracking and peeling.
I'm a withered pot. Leaves die, fall and shrivel.
I'm a mouldy cupcake. No one dares to eat me.
I'm black coffee. Sugarless, milkless and bitter.
I'm Super Lemon. Sweetness hidden behind sourness.
I'm a sad smilie. Inverted smile plus a drop of tear.
I'm a crooked thumbtack. Couldn't tack it straight.
I'm a spolit kid. No more toys can pamper me.
I'm a grumpy carebear. You see, it rains...
I'm an overdue movie ticket. The show is over now.
I'm one of the many potatoes in the sack. Jumping and wanting to drop out.

Some restaurant owner just conned me for a dollar, but I just can't be bothered anymore...

Awfully Tuesday

I'm in an awful mood today, those whom have chatted with me would have noticed that. AR, you got that bitter taste already, doncha!! #.@

James (my client) emails me "Was there something else you were also waiting for?"
I felt like replying,"You!"
Of course I didn't mean it, but this stupid mood just tends to make me wanna do weird absurd things.

I had a night of insomnia. Not sure why. I never had that, felt awfully disturbed by thoughts. Saddening!

Perhaps because of my conversation with Alex, I guess. His behaviour now completely turns me off... I can't say he changes. Maybe he was more subtle in the past, but he is getting crazy. He's not the man I was once in love with anymore... I began to see myself unreasonably comparing his morals with mine. I started to think what I've done for him are just my stupidity!! Fu*k it, its time to dump all these 2 years down the back of my head.

Schizophrenic

The other side of me???

I miss him! > . <

And I think I shouldn't be. Life still goes on very well. Its silly to know I might not be talking to him forever... I told myself that aber ("but" in german)... I sent a forwarded mail to him (I couldn't resist not sending him any cheeky mail) after 7 days. I guess I wanted to see if I get a response. And he did. He is still there. But I don't want to be here.

Get the hell of him outta my mind!!!