I hate you Dad and I love you

Every household has its own problem. I have friends whom totally love their parents, friends whom also detest their parents and many like me, a love-hate relationship. It seems to be normal. Can anyone tell me? Have I already said these before? 

I envy the western cultures where kids move out at eighteen or for college, I think somehow the living apart helps to better the relationship. Because parents will always be parents, they want to mother you no matter how old you get. They always assume those responsibilities that tend to make them overprotective, controlling and in fact they seem to want you to live the life they would like you to have (not having it your way!).

For over 30 years, they never seem to ask me what is it in life that I want? They never seem to want to know but always reckon that we should act like the way they were children to their parents (my grandparents). Back then, they had to earn to support the expanding family and to ensure the younger ones could attend school. Dear mother, those centuries are over!

Is it just my parents, or are yours the same?

10 years ago, my dad got retrenched and has since been sitting at home. He was only 55, 10 years shy of the retirement age (and now 12 with the new regulations). He just never thought of working or supporting the family again. It was a huge blow that never seems to have recovered. My elder sister was then 24 and the youngest was still in school. I was stranded in UK on my working visa, trying to find that independence that I never had back in Singapore. My mum has always been a housewife, and she struggled to find work despite her poor health. That old man never stood up again, not for us, and not even for himself. He lost not only himself, but his authority and all of our respect for him. It is difficult to look at a father figure whom was once your role model but now succumbed to someone whom has practically nothing. That quote "I started off with nothing, and I still have most of it", it describes him quite perfectly.

Emotionally he's a cripple, he has almost no friends, no social life and his self esteem seems to have abandoned him as well. I don't remember how all of us survived the 10 years without a fatherly figure, but we did. If you ask me if I hate him, yes I do. If you ask if I love him, the answer is the same too.

This Valentine's

I have something to share - a quote that we have always seen it around. Always said easier than done, isn't it? 

I didn't know that someone 6 years back could actually make me realise this. (All the other blokes between now and then didn't seem to come any close.) Seeing him happy now made my day. Those years apart, like a quote says,"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"... I thought of him from time to time, wondered how he was getting on.

When we finally reconnected this year, a day before Valentine's Day, I feared. I feared of those feelings he would stir up in me. I asked questions which I dreaded to know the answers. His answers didn't make me tear or give me a shock, he still listens and cares. Like 6 years ago. Perhaps he just wasn't meant to be part of my life, but I thank God for him coming into my life and the fond memories we once shared.

I know I have let him go. I am proud of the strength You gave me. I hope we have renewed it this time with a friendship that will last, speaking again to someone I once cared so much about is a huge consolation in my life.

Here's a page I found, tremendously useful to help you let go of someone. I also realised I have done all the suggestions on the part 2 of the article! Also a tip of caution I have quoted from the page I fully agree with -
"Don't make someone a priority only to find out you are an option to them."

To move on, claim your baggage first!

How true!

A very good article on moving on after a loss.

Are you there yet?

"If you are in a relationship and you are not feeling safe, then it cannot be the relationship that is going to take you into the true experience of love. You will feel pain and hope for love and that, my friends, is not love. Love is high level, interesting, and it can only grow in intensity as you grow as individual people."

- quoted from Eharmony (Guest Contributor, Dr. Sherrie Campbell)

It's all because of you

It's all because of you,
life has never felt more beautiful...
The day you walked out of my life,
that pain and agony never felt more real.

It's all because of you,
I started a more fulfilling life...
Those sufferings made me more alive,
like I had awakened and been given a second chance.
                                              
If I have another choice,
I believe I'll choose not to meet you...
But thankfully we did and because of you,
my life is new and even better without you.
      
When we met you were leading me nowhere,
false dreams and fake hope you gave me.
I thought you were different and special,
but I was once blinded and so wrong.

It's all because of you,
I have to say thank you.
You showed me what was imperfect,
so I know when the right one comes.

Reinciting

It's 1.24am. The sky was sounding bolts of thunder few minutes ago, I thought it would rain. It still hasn't. But I hear the echoes. It will.

I just finished a Skype conversation with my best mate in London. It's always so comforting. We have been through a lot together and it would seem we will be sticking together for a long time. Distance is nothing for us. I hope the love I find will be this perfect.

I watched a few videos of Nick Vujicic just before my lappy called it a night. The man behind "Life Without Limbs". I almost cried watching them. What are the few setbacks we encountered compared to his? I watched him tell that story of him and his wife and suddenly I asked myself, have I been looking for the wrong things? Perhaps I was. But definitely after Japan, I had in mind all the right things. The values and the things I wanted from this person I wanted to meet (nothing material or physical I was asking for)... and now I realised I forgot something, I have forgotten to focus how I wanted this person to make me feel and how his values should somehow match mine. I have overlooked. Thanks Kanae for reminding me!

Inspirational true love

❤ ♡ ❤ ღ The Incredible Love Story of Nick Vujicic and His Wife

I have lost him

Everyone of us have lived with losses at some point in our lives. As I read the status of an old classmate, he's not the only one I heard grieving over the loss of a loved one. Two people I know lost their dad in the last year... I can't comprehend that feeling but I do have the fear that I might be living with that regret they have. Dad is never close to me in my heart. I don't know why but in some ways we have grown apart as I grow up. I never could talk to him like a friend or even the same way I do with mum. In another way, I despise him for his shortcomings, for his inability to give us a sense of security when we grew up, for his cowardice after his retrenchment, for his monotonous life he is seemingly happy with. I guess I wanted him to be a better person than he is but obviously that isn't going to happen. Everyday I live, wishing that one day I can finally see it from his point of view or perhaps accept it but I fail terribly. Maybe one day... and I hope that's not too late.

Imperfection

I have cold feet. I almost felt like I'm having an anxiety attack, I don't know why but I haven't been feeling at ease since the return from Bali. Bali always brings out one's deepest fear. I'm not sure why but go there and feel it. It has that effect. Feeling nauseous and stuffed at the same time can be a really shitty feeling. I don't know if I should be thankful but I probably should. Life has given me what I have asked for, granted me simple pleasures in life and there are only things to be learnt from. Embrace it! Learn to embrace the changes that come. I seem to able to cope better than I thought. Thanks to wisdom that gives me strength! For now, let me continue to enjoy what life has given me... :)

If there's no imperfection, how can you tell it apart when you meet the perfect one?

He exists

"You can always find work, but you don't always find love."

This just came to me and I thought I should write it down. Yeah, isn't it? I always thought to myself, do all women think the same? Maybe not. Maybe my sister is one of those that places money over love. Maybe its cirumstances, maybe its her choice. She's always thinking of how to make big money - maybe like many other men. It's good, a motivation for entrepreneurship, that's what makes life a little more interesting. Yet I am somewhat of an opposite, I rather retreat into my little house by the beach with the love of my life, we can be poor (preferably not) but we should be contented and happy.

I dread men who worry about my ability to support myself, because it seems like they are not ready to even be supportive of me. I had met guys when I was in between jobs, and they probably thought if I didn't have work, I would be depending on them. Then they are wrong, they do not know me. Sorry to say, then they are not right for me. I also dread guys whom think I travel too much, because they would be thinking,"Gosh, she must not have any savings because she's just travelling too much." Then they would start multiplying negative thoughts in their heads just like the former category kind of men. They probably have no idea what travelling is all about and do not know what hostels are for.

And I know that kind of guy I want to meet, he knows how to have fun whether I am working or not, whether I am travelling or not. He thinks about travelling with me, he thinks about all the dates he can have when I've so much free time. He knows that I can support myself and I will find my means to live. Yes, I know he exists :)

Thinking of you

My facebook status read,"Be with someone who brings out the best in you!"

A message I wanted to send to my friends in relationship woes. I finally realised what others meant when they say being single isn't a bad thing. Two of my friends were tearing over their men. I wanted to console them but I felt so helpless. That quote just came to me when I was in the shower and I thought I would share it.

Everyone of us is imperfect. But there is that someone who will still love us for who we are, accomodate us, compromise together and tries to bring out the best in us. Right? Well, I believe so.

In my past, I had been with guys whom brought out the worst in me. I guess probably I was also younger then, more inexperienced and somehow naive. I could recall my impatient nature, jealousy and insecurity surfacing when I was with R (names are protected for privacy issue). While A constantly put me down, and with him I was never good enough. I even thought it was okay to be treated bad when you really liked the other person. How foolish! One fine day, H came along, I realised that someone does exist. He encouraged me, he listened, I never felt the need to be insecure, jealous or even impatient. Yet, we aren't together. Somebody said loving someone is not owning them, is that true?

Well if there was one, there will be others. But now I do know that's the one I'm searching for. I believe he's also looking for me now ;)

♥ Mum & Dad ♥

Sweet sweet love.

I feel the love. Mum made "yam" cake, it's like carrot cake (though it's not made from carrot but "yam" cake is made from yam). It's one of our favourite food she cooked, and so I am having that for lunch! I missed dinner last night as I caught up with a friend, mum cooked Mee Sua, also my favourite. Actually, practically everything she cooks are like my favourites, hahaha, except for certain things which are my sisters' and not mine. I told her I missed the Mee Sua and she said she can cook for me again tonight. Awww... so sweet.

I have been looking high and low for a watch, the type that looks solid and formal enough for work. Yesterday, I saw Dad's watch on the table, it looks pretty nice and its face isn't not too big for my wrist. I asked him if he would give it to me, without much hesitation, he said okay and asked how big is my wrist so he could adjust it. I don't know if it's his favourite watch as he has a couple, one of which we gifted to him 2-3 years back. I went home last night and he has already adjusted it for me, now it's my "office" watch. How sweet is that!

A lot of times, we thought family isn't an important part of our life. Years ago, I really had that thinking, especially when I was abroad and found it a hassle to call back home. I guess a lot of my friends still do now, some might, some might not. Some of my friends are happily living overseas, perhaps still like me in the past, we couldn't understand the parents' yearning as they didn't verbally express it. We dreaded coming home for good. But after quite a few years of it myself, I have adapted to living with my parents once again. Our relationship is better than the past somehow, I guess I have also grown wiser with the things I have been through. I speak to them, talk about their concerns, get them involved in my life and let them know what's happening... I used to think some things are better said to friends, but in fact, parents can be your friends too.

I have friends whom keep a distance from their parents. I guess it's different for everyone. For some, there's communication breakdown, for others, it might be some personal reasons. But there is one thing for sure, they love us, and I think there is no measurement for it! Even though they might be sometimes a little biased and like your sister or brother more, but at the end of the day, they are the ones who are willingly to make sacrifices for us. They are the ones whom will never push you away or say "No" to provide you a place of comfort and shelter when you need it most. They might not say it or show it, but they do care.

Tom meets Summer...

500 days of Summer

Why does it seem so real, why does it sound so familiar...?? A story about how a boy meets a girl. It's not a love story. Well it says that, and probably it really isn't. At least Summer wasn't in love, I guess anything that's not mutual, it isn't a real relationship but people inevitably still get into them. My best friend was telling me the other day, most people get together for convenience. You know, to share costs (rent a house, etc), to keep one another company, to have someone to keep warm in bed... So how many are truly in love I wonder? I know when I'm in it... Well at least I did, and that was just once! Some of the times, I was just hopelessly into someone that wasn't worthy of it till I realised it later down the road. And at other times, I knew it when I really liked someone, so much that we were just comfortable being together. But for love to happen, it takes a lot more than like, comfort and one sided feelings... Love is hard work, it's unpredictable and hits you hard when you didn't notice it, it's sweet but you get toothache from too much of it, it makes you easily upset/excited/happy/agitated, love is just weird... I can't list all the symptoms about it because I only had it once :)))

I like this show, the ending is unexpected but as always, so real.  This, I prefer to those crappy romantic fairytale ending. I'm just too practical sometimes, yes, practical but adore romance. This DVD is so worth a keep!

So you know when you meet one

Quoted this from the plentyoffish forum by SWEETZSUGAR and thought this is very amusing but true!

"HI I SAW THIS AND JUST HAD TO RESPOND AND SHARE WHAT I HAVE LEARNED OVER THE YEARS. MY STEP DAD (WHO WAS A DETECTIVE FIRST GRADE) SAT ME DOWN A FEW MONTHS AGO AND TOLD ME THIS:
WHEN A MAN CARES FOR YOU HE WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, CANCEL PLANS AND FALL ALL OVER YOU. THE LINE (I AM NOT READY, AS WE HAVE ALL HEARD 100 TIMES IS A BUNCH OF CRAP) MEN ARE AVOIDERS, THEY ARE NOT LIKE US WOMEN WITH ALL THE FEELINGS AND COMMUNICATION STUFF. HE TOLD ME TO LET A MAN ASK YOU THINGS HE WANTS TO KNOW, JUST DON'T VOLUNTEE INFORMATION, BE VAGUE BUT NICE. LET HIM GET THE INFORMATION HE WANTS FROM YOU. THE REASON BEING IS MEN FEEL AS THEY HAVE ACOMPLISHED SOMETHING WHEN THEY ASK YOU A QUESTION AND YOU ANSWER IT. WHEN WE TELL THEM WITHOUT THEM ASKING, ITS TOO EASY AND ALSO, THEY MAY NOT BE READY TO HEAR WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT US YET. YOUR FAMILY PROBLEM COULD HAVE PUT A DAMPER ON THIS BUT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT. A MAN WHO IS ALL OVER YOU IMMEDIATELY HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE, A MAN WHO IS TOO QUIET OR STANDOFISH HAS PROBLEMS ALSO. NEVER ASK A MAN OUT OR ASK TO SEE HIM, IF HE REALLY LIKES YOU AND WANTS TO SEE YOU, HE WILL MENTION IT BEFORE THE DATE IS OVER.. ONE THING MOM TOLD ME ABOUT MEN IS THEY HAVE PATTERNS. IF THEY CONTINUE THE SAME PATTERN ALL IS WELL BUT... IF YOU SEE A SMALL CHANGE, BEWARE, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND GET READY TO RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, YOUR GETTING DUMPED, OR THE PULL AWAY ROUTINE IS ON IT'S WAY. THIS MEANS MORE THAN 1 MISSED PHONE CALL, A CANCELLATION OF A DATE. I HAVE JUST TURNED 44 A FEW WEEKS AGO AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL, BUT I RECENTLY GOT SMART AND REALIZED ANYONE WHO DUMPS ME WILL WIND UP WITH A HUGE LOSS, THIS GOES FOR YOU ALSO. I MET A MAN A FEW MONTHS AGO. I GOT VERY LUCKY, HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY SOULMATE. I LISTENED (FOR ONCE) TO WHAT MY STEPDAD TOLD ME AND NOT ONLY DID IT WORK, BUT I FOUND A COMMITED, LOVING WONDERFUL MAN. UNFORTUNATELY, MY STEP DAD PASSED AWAY IN JANUARY AND I WON'T BE GETTING HIS WORDS OF WISDOM BUT I WANTED TO PASS THEM ALONG TO YOU AND GIVE YOU SOME LUCK HERE. HE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT MEN.. BE STRONG AND MOVE ON IF YOU THINK YOUR HEART IS BEING PLAYED WITH, REMEMBER IT IS THEIR LOSS....."

"Der" love of my life

My BlackBerry. My baby.

The one.

I found him and life suddenly seems complete. Just like the "auto-complete" function on google search. It's an instant connection, wonderful chemistry and complementing combination.

I figured him out without the help of a manual. To be honest, I haven't even used a BlackBerry before him nor did I try the phone out. All I know is that I have been waiting for him after I read all about him. And immediately I knew. He doesn't take the best pictures yet he is already everything I am looking for. He wakes me up in the morning, entertains me in the train, feels good in my hands, writes down my thoughts late into the night and whenever he's by my side. How can I ever ask for more?

Although I sometimes pressed "s" as "a" and occasionally pressed the wrong key when typing out a sms because I thought I was still on a normal numeric keypad phone... but I've more or less adapted and now he's an important part of my life. Before him, I was thinking how well I was surviving without a phone, but since I had him, my life has since changed.

There is love in my life now;)

---

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Broken soul (sole)

I threw away your favourite shoes
Along with the pain it inflicted me
Why does it once fit so well
But changed horribly overnight

You looked like all I could trust
And now I know you misplaced it
You are just a broken sole
Without a good support

I don't want to remember the days I walked in you
Because they aren't the best days of my life
Let me forget you existed
So I can find a better replacement

Wrote this on impulse within 3 minutes... because the feelings just came ;)

A romantic notion

The Lakehouse was screened on TV last night... I had already seen it but sister's excitement over the movie somehow plagued me. So I watched it the second time.

AGAIN... these things make me think. Movies are movies and sometimes people said they are fictional and never would be reflected in reality. Yet somehow I believe otherwise. I like the romantic notion, and that idea that someone out there is worth all the waiting. Stupid hopeless romantic idealist... sometimes I cursed myself that.

Because you know... I'm waiting...

Love without a reason

Inspiration came at 4am... or was it that mug of Penang coffee keeping me up?? I don't know but suddenly I had the urge to compose - a poem.

Argh. I'm a romantic but unfortunately not the hopeless romantic. I'm more a realist with a romantic view. Is that possible?? I don't know, because a realist views things as they are... and won't believe in all great fantasies. Yet I fantasize, I love romance, the kind that can be classified as down-to-earth.

E.g. I believe in happy endings, true and lasting love... but I also believe that two persons whom loved each other might not end up together due to situations/circumstances.

So here I'd like to share what came to me early today at 4am:


Love needs no reason by Ms. Potatoe
Allow me to feel what I feel
Because then I will be me
Watch me laugh and then cry
As I recall those moments we shared

Today I live with no regrets
Because I have made feelings known
It might sound funny or even made no sense
But to me I have penned my deepest thoughts

Day and day I live in hope
Night by night they slowly fade away
I recount those happy days over and over again
Because one day I know I will relive them again

Where are you and how are you
I can't know and I didn't want to know
I pray for you and hope for you
Because deep down I have not abandoned you

不要放弃，不要气馁！

Not losing hope (as it says above).

Too much air of negativity have been hanging around me. Even though most of them aren't directly related to me but I feel for them. My friends - the ideal couples - the couples whom many of us thought will end up together or even forever. 3 loving couples broke up, some of them have even discussed about marriage! One ended up in divorce. What is the world coming to??? Why do so many people give up on making things work, or perhaps it might be a blessing in disguise to meeting the right one later on? I don't know! But it's very demoralising, not just for them but also slowly bursting more and more bubbles of this dream (a happy ending) I have built up in my head.

Speaking of that, being single is sometimes a good thing. I have stopped setting an age limit like many others (especially the locals) like an ideal to get married, to have kids. I have also stopped defining happiness as only the happiness you could derive from being with a loved one. Life has to go on, even if it doesn't consist of the person you once loved this much. Even though at the very end, most of us still hopefully wish to find that person to grow old with (Is there really such thing as THE ONE or can humans stop being greedy and always yearning for greener pasture??). Quality time is often much better than quantity :))

It begins with a letter and ends with one

A movie that brought me to the verge of tears, clearly expressed my true understanding of love and inevitably encouraged my idealization of romance. Romance with true love.

I'm so so emotional. Some parts of the movie made me brimming with tears, I was trying so hard holding them back. You might be wrong, it wasn't the actions nor the casts but the words! Words are such powerful expression of feelings, and in this movie, they are everything that made it alive! From the letter Li-Ann wrote to Jeremy, to that note he left for her on the wedding day... to that last proposal letter, it all made me smiled. Smiling, from the inside. I LOVE LETTERS, and to date, I'm fortunate I did receive them in the past from people whom were special in my life (well, some still are).

It made me want to write again. It made me want to pen down each and every of my thoughts and feelings going on right inside me. But I haven't been writing to a man in that way, for at least a year now... and I don't think I will soon. I wanted to, but... things are holding me back. When will that day arrive??

Anyhow, the movie to recommend is our local production, THE LEAP YEARS. This is one of our rare productions with minimal or no Singlish!! Impressive. In fact, the English standard is surprisingly good! The story goes around Li-Ann bumping into this guy of her dreams on Leap Day (happens to be her birthday as well)... A night of whirlwind romance and deep connection left them both longing for more, obsessed with each other. Sadly, Jeremy had to leave and the reconnection was 4 years later, again on the same day, same venue. It took 12 years, with only 3 meetings... and finally on the 4th, they realised they are meant for each other (actually they knew on the first meeting, but sometimes life just makes us go about in circles!!!).

I wonder if I am running around in a circle myself, but life has been treating me well... well, better!