Realization

I didn't know coffee with an empty stomach gets me cold feet.

I had a coffee with this guy. Not a friend. Honestly, he's a jerk. A leopard never changes it spots. I met him more than a year ago. I was then very fun-loving and could withstand any idiosyncrasy. Seriously, I'm a changed person now, I can't tolerate it anymore. I kicked him out of my life but he kept coming back. His existence is a pest.

He's a british, and the kind of man, when you asked for a milk latte, he gave you a black coffee. Say one thing, do another. He has an incurable egoism, and overly boastful. Every minute was getting hard, our conversation was like a red ant crawling up my feet. I wanted to give it a tight slap. He talked about cock, I mean, serious, COCK. I kept laughing, making a joke out of every cock he bragged about. Idiot. Never has someone been so annoying, I was trying to irritate the hell outta him. I didn't want to say "fuck you" to him, because in all honesty I will die rather than doing that.

I was clear of my intention before the coffee appointment - to piss him off. I never wanted a friend like that, someone who assumes every woman is his sex toy. Such men are not worth living, if only I have supernatural power, they will all be my little toy soldiers.

Make him disappear. Amen.

I've very little patience when it comes to inefficiency.

I hate to call them moronic because in fact they aren't, just plain clumsy. I'm supposed to collect my new (contact) lens after the coffee. Supposedly, they are to change only 2 boxes of my lens to the correct ones. They insisted to keep all 4 and return me altogether when they have done the exchange. Instead, they told me they made a stupid big mistake - changing all the 4 boxes. I'm not at all angry at their mistake (people do make mistakes), just riled I've made a wasted trip, and waste another few days waiting.

Damned tuesday.

100th blog entry

It is the 100th.

Unfortunately I've not come up with anything, brain is shutting off early these days. My energy level remains high, sex drive never fails, creative juice forever in making; its only that my brain cells deplete faster than its production.

1. My emotions cell
It has been some time back since I dated a man seriously. Falling in love <3,>

2. My creative cell
I'm always awed by photography. I like to take silly pictures, funny pictures, thought-provoking pictures, provocative pictures & pictures of people (unnoticed, they are what I called 'all naturale')!! My drawings aren't fantastic, occasionally I can do a few cute cartoon/caricatures. I doodle all the time. Circles. Lines. Perspective. Markers. Pen.

3. My materialistic cell
To be honest, I don't own a prada, LV, fendi or even DNKY stuffs. I guess I'm satisfied by simplicity. I believe, if you have simple critieria for a partner, that somehow also shows how materialistic you can be. I hate spending fucking lot of money on clothes and food except for shoes and watches. I <3>

4. My body cell
All I want to say, is I need another fucking long holiday away from Singapore. Away from home. Away from work. Bring me away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. My own self
I like being myself, being honest, being naughty, being cranky, and making the person besides me happy.

6. My active cell
I feel like learning tennis, do kayaking, read a novel, design another issue of my webpage, do some unusual impulsive shopping, meet up a random stranger - speak - and then leave - never see him again, sit on a grassland - stare at stars, do myself a tarot read, eat a mini tub of cookies & cream ice cream in 1 minute, shoot the same picture 100 times with my digital cam, stretch on my gym ball, shake 1000 times on my hoola, or even travel for another holiday - I miss sitting in a plane having someone to serve me - watch free movies - eat those junk food.

I might just go home and sleep.

Four-eyed mania

I'm wearing my specs today due to personal reason. Convenience reason, going to have my eye check tonight!

My next door "colleague", N, started to wear one recently, and he looks like a teacher. I don't know why suddenly everyone is beginning to like having two extra eyes. My idol, M, is wearing one too. I'm totally taken aback. Its the first time he greeted me since the last meeting.

It was pouring heavily, me and N were walking back to the office after lunch... when someone familiar was drawing nearer. It was misty. The rain. As he walked closer with each step, I could figure him out. MY IDOL. His build, his face, his hair but not his umbrella. We went by, he said, "hi", I smiled. Its the first time ever I seen him wearing specs. And all 3 of us are wearing, its funny!

After he gone past, I couldn't help laughing, I blurted out,"Why is he wearing glasses?"

The phone and I

Hello hello!!

Sometimes I get all nervous answering the phone. Is that a phobia or my nervous wreck?! It might be my brain, restless; and mind wandering in the forest or hanging on the clouds. Or is that caller's voice too sexy. Now I doubt I can be a good secretary, which I thought I have that potential. Ha ha ha.

There is one time, a VIP [Very important person] called. I don't know if he is, he sounded like one. Boss & his secretary wasn't around, I picked it up. I told the VIP, "Our boss went off for the day." Damn, he was out for lunch. Did I not see that??? Or my memory failing??? GOD.

There is this new chief executive in the company but he is never in. There's no seat for him, I suppose he works from home. His calls always come in here, and I can't seem to find a reason to say. Once I took the call and I told the caller, "He wasn't around." That was right. But he's forever not around!!!! Except for a couple of minutes some days maybe.

TODAY
Ring...ringg... This man called. He was looking for this Big Shot whom sits besides me. I don't think I seen him this morning. I told the man, "He's not around anymore." Fuck, that sounds like he's dead. I felt like laughing at myself. Fortunately, I quickly added "For today, I mean" with a giggle. I could almost hear him giggling over the other end too!!! I was still nervous, then my sentences all came out fast [sticking together], "Would you like to leave a message or your number?? Do you want to call back? Shall I get him to call you back?" I only get a sense of relief when I finally hear the "Thank you" before hanging up.

I've got to overcome my panic attack on this, I wasn't like this, must be my head.

Wake me up

The title reminds me of the song -- Bring me to life [Evanescence]

I had a crappy tuesday, must be my PMS [premenstrual syndrome]. It was slow day and I needed a voice to wake me up. I finished off the day at 7pm, went on a search for an alarm clock. It was my dad's job many years ago, but today I've taken over that responsibility. My stupid alarm, I can't blame it really since I let it fell and this time it scattered to pieces. I fixed them back, substituted his old AA battery with another old one. I've this problem of mistreating my alarm, it never gets the best thing -- even a battery. So now it planned his revenge. It woke me up these few days an hour earlier than the preset time. I didn't get fed up but my sister did. It roused the wrong person from sleep. So I made up my mind this one has to go.

I can do a count of the shops selling alarms & watches in my neighbourhood. I walked to the nearest, stood by the shelf displaying all the cranky alarm clocks. Very small one and squarish. Very big one and brightly colored. Medium sized one with dull colors. Rectangular one with conventional design. Most were old and crummy. I hesitated for a moment, walked into the shop, did a quick browse of the ones inside. The keepers were busy with customers, so I ended up playing with the displays outside. Some didn't work anymore. One alarm goes off no louder than a bird's chirp, argghhh. I twiddled with another one, it rang.. oh well, better than the first.

I walked in again, looking into all the glass windows. The assistant, finally unoccupied, came foward. I hate to buy a clock, then again I have to. I reached for a few of their newly arrived, beautiful condition but out of my budget & oversize for a weeny alarm. I couldn't bother to consider, pointed at a conventional one, tested and taken. S$18. Costly. He gave a dollar discount for students, I looked like one, lucky. When I paid him the notes, he went, "Are you singaporean??" I said, "yes." And he went, "You don't look like one."

Man, what has a clock purchase got to do with my nationality eh...

Randomness IV

"Why can't I see..."

My left eye suddenly turned blind on me. The world morphed into a misty fog, all the text and numbers no longer legible to me. I covered my right eye with my finger, kept the left wide open. I done that a couple of times. I had my contact lens intact. Why can't I read!!!! I didn't panic. I tried looking at something green. It didn't improve. It made me mentally tired trying to read with my left eye, everything I could see are images filtered with Gaussian Blur. I reckoned I use photoshop too much, I tend to be chucking all the graphical terms into my writings. I'm fed up with my left eye; I pressed my finger against it, could almost felt the eyeball thumping with my pulse... I want to dig it out, step on it and fit a new one in.

My dear friends, what have you become? It's amazing to watch yourself grow and observe what others become. I've this 5+ years old friendship still going strong, with a few mates. There is this connection between us, always keeping the fire burning. I <3>

TO YOU GALS: Be sticky like paste, no hermit allowed.
p/s: Angie, I've been very critical, sorry. It must have been harsh but I guess you stand well on your own feet.

Affection is no medicine. It is a drug -- addictive and gives you a good feeling. It makes you high, and causes depression or loneliness without it. It wraps you up totally, get you immersed and send your mind craving for more. Once you yearn for it, the monster is after you.

Fucked being efficient

When you work slow, your boss thinks you're being paid for nothing...
When you work fast, your boss thinks you're a superwoman...

My manager came over and asked me about the progress. My schedule is already packed with 5 projects all going at the same time. And one deadline is now delayed for a bit, he expects to squeeze in another project or two and hold off the other one half cooked. He doesn't even know how much me & my colleague [the only programmer] worked like hell to get things done. Damn, I've enough of this fucked up working environment, simply chaotic. Dumbo.

Anyhow, I've much bigger plans than staying on. I shall make another wish come true :)

Randomness III

"I'm not nice all the time, but I can be..."

John left Singapore. I met him at work over a year ago, maybe June 2002. He was very serious -- not someone whom will bounce around the office chatting to gals or colleagues. It was then I met these group of editors in my previous company (well we still work under the same roof)! Four men, totally different from each other.

Damien was probably my first acquaintance among them. He somehow reminds me of Dirk because of their build I guess -- very tall! Soon I had to work with some of these guys and that was how we started talking. Nick has got a scottish accent so strong I couldn't figure for weeks. Now it is okay. Simon, I was told he's the oldest of them all, he looked shy to me -- maybe his face always looks like it's blushing. Surprisingly, John was the guy who started to hang out with me & my mates after I knew him a little better over a couple of boozing sessions. They are all very sweet people, they bought me drinks the day before I set off for my first flight ever -- to London.

We had a farewell booze with John at Crazy elephant on Friday night. I was nicknamed "Kodak girl" because I was getting them in the pictures most of the time. Quite a crowd -- colleagues & friends. John used to lunch with us, now I guess I'll miss him. And my mates, I bet you gals will miss his company too!

My lil sister has so many new ideas or new stuffs to tell me all the time. She's a little light bulb -- always light up even on the brightest day. Little whizz! She was going on and on about sleepwalking yesterday.

"Sis, ya know why people sleepwalk?? That's because when people sleep, their body are in state of paralysis. And if they sleepwalk, that means their body are not paralyzed," she quoted she read it from somewhere. Then she made a mean yet funny remark about my other sister whom frequently speak in her sleep, "Now I know why 'Sis' talked in her sleep, because her mouth wasn't paralysed." We were laughing for a bit... shhhshhhh, better not let her hear it.

Overdose

Panadols are NO NO to me. They are vomit-pills to me. When I was a kid, and that was the last alternative for the closed clinics. I hate that bitter aftertaste lingering on my tongue. They made me puked. Yukkkss!! Since then, I never laid my finger on one no matter how sick I was.

The doctors all wound up for the day, by the time I finished work. Caught "The Bachelor 3" on TV, had dinner and a shower, it didn't make my fucked up nose better. Before I rolled into bed, I had those worst pills, the only difference was this time I had the Xtra strong ones. I took 2. I jumped in bed, covered all over with quilt & pillows. Whatever I could get.

Not forgetting to stick tissues in my nostrils.

I woke up at fucking 430am, my nose dripped like a tap again!! I shot another Xtra strong Panadol. I couldn't sleep in my bed, I was suffering. I slept on the couch for an hour before my dad's alarm went shrieking into my ears. I sneaked back to my room. Fortunately, it lasted me through the rest of the dawn.

I came to work today. No MC. I'm too busy for that, and since my blocked nose is no longer choking me. Yeah yeah, I can't miss out an important drinking session tonight! A british ex-colleague, John, is leaving Singapore for good. Time for a booze, I think I'll just like a red wine :)

The worst thing

I have a terrible nose blockage, after I woke up this morning. It started last night, I got up at 2am feeling great discomfort about my nose.

When I had a fever, I thought that was the worst thing -- lying in bed, headache, too weak to walk.

When I had a cough, I thought that was the worst thing -- can't speak without coughing every few sentences.

When I had a sore throat, I thought that was the worst thing -- there's a bug crawling in my throat, irritating.

When I had a flu, I thought that was the worst thing -- sneeze, sneeze, sneeze.

When I have a blocked nose, I believe this is the worst thing that could ever happen. It drips like a tap, I've to keep sticking nice fitting tissue mould into both my nostrils. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't count the many pieces of tissues wasted, and my nose isn't getting better at every minute with the cold weather. My manager has to bear with the awful sight of watching me typing with a nose stucked with papers. Oh, if only he doesn't sit opposite me!!