Can I not dream tonight, can I not tear tonight...

Just finished watching THE RING 0 on television, yes, that japanese horror film that a lot of people dread to keep their eyes open throughout. I didn't think I watched this episode, however it didn't seem as scary as "1" I think... probably due to the dark scenes and lesser sound effects. Some people are fearful, some think horror films are a bore. I think horror films do take up a lot of creativity to make the audience become frightened, don't you think? I think of all films as artistic as long as they are meant to keep us glued to the screen - just my thoughts...

I am getting restless, not sure why. Is it the letter I wrote earlier, is it the text messages I have been receiving from this particular person, or is it just the woman's hormones at work... I wish I know. It's 2am now. My mind is like the chalkboard just wiped clean but still left with the chalks' trail... figuring what was written on the board. Can I stop myself from thinking tonight, can I not dream tonight... Can I just lay on my lovely soft feather pillow and slept till the morning sun shines into my room?

I'm not sad, but like a command tears come easy... One moment I can be happily doing something, the next I just feel a little down. I'm a little tired from the waiting, the job hunting, and finding that perfect job. I'm getting impatient but I need patience. Like I read on the papers, job hunting is never an easy task, its a 24/7 job. Yes, now I understand. I also understand I need a good sleep now!

Write it out

I was writing a letter earlier, supposedly to be nice and composed... However as I got started, it all just began to change... The tone of it turned to anger and agitation. It got out of control and I couldn't help but kept writing as my overwhelmed state of mind urged me to do so... I love writing and very often it has been a way for expressing my feelings.

Sometimes I really wonder the magic of being able to point them out in your writings. As I was reading John Gray's original book "Mars & Venus - A match made in heaven?", it mentioned writing feeling letter does help in releasing those negative feelings. Oh yea, in case you're wondering there's a Times Book Sale now going on, oh,oh, and the John Little Sale too.

I am hesitating to post it now, but I never or hardly ever trashed my letters... So I guess it has to go.

Imperfection is LIFE

Proud to say by now I have remembered "Funkel funkel kleiner Stern" the first half of the song... second part is a bit more tricky.

A lot of things have happened over the last month since I'm back... Silly things, serious things, risky choices and many aspects of my life are still constantly changing. Friendship, kinship, love, dream, ambition, life and even money are not what they used to be, I don't know if I have another perspective or that I have just rearranged my priorities.

I think of my little sister with last few bucks in her bank account, suddenly I felt like doing more for her... sparing her a little pocket money when I start working. I never seem to realise behind her talkative appearance everyday, she might be struggling with her limited funds. A lot of people have asked me why do I not want to further my studies... I wish I can say an upfront answer that I can't afford to do so.

I look at my dad every single day, the more I realise I do want to make my life a meaningful one... I want to enjoy my old days with family and friends, not struggling with "Do I have enough for my next 5 years..." questions. I watch my mum's weary face when she returns from work, I wish one day she just doesn't have to do it anymore... and well yes, cut down her mahjong habits as well.

Enough rumbling... Life is not perfect, is it! I am still young and should make the most out of my life :)))))

Another chain...

A-Z meme (courtesy of Michael):

Accent = Rojak of proper English, singlish, mandarin (sometimes hokkien,malay,german)
Booze = Red wine or beer (kilkenny, Beck's green lemon)
Chore I hate = Dish-washing
Dog or cat = Either
Essential Electronics = None, maybe digital camera
Favorite Perfume/Cologne = No preference, but currently DNKY Apple (after Paul Smith)
Gold or Silver = White gold?
Home = Singapore by birth (not sure where in future)
Insomnia = Fortunately never had the problem
Job Title = Still awaiting for dream job confirmation!
Kids = Tommy (if he's real, he's 1.5 years old)
Living Arrangement = 3-room HDB
Most Admired Trait = Courage
Number of Sexual Partners = Counting... (don't worry, under good control)
Overnight Hospital Stays = None so far, perhaps when I was borned
Phobia = Boredom
Quote = Life is not full of disappointments but of those whom created it (just thought of it)
Religion = Myself
Siblings = 2 sisters
Time I usually wake up = Usually 8 hours later
Unusual Talent = Able to predict my emotional state (I read tarots)
Vegetable I refuse to eat = Pea
Worst Habit = Being blunt
X-Rays = Once for teeth, a couple of times for chest
Yummy Foods I Make = Baked cookies and cakes
Zodiac Sign = Libra

Twinkle twinkle little star

I really really really really really really really x 1000000000000000... want to get my dream job ;)

Funkel, funkel, kleiner Stern,
Ach wie bist du mir so fern,
Wunderschön und unbekannt,
Wie ein strahlend Diamant,
Funkel, funkel, kleiner Stern,
Ach wie bist du mir so fern.

Funkel, funkel, kleiner Stern,
Ach was haben wir dich gern,
Strahlend schön am Himmelszelt,
Erleuchtest hell die ganze Welt,
Funkel, funkel, kleiner Stern
Ach was haben wir dich gern.

Getting a job, getting a life

Talking about interviews, in 3 hours I'm going to another one. The third one since I am back in Singapore, I can't really say they are my dream jobs or what I would love to do for my next couple of years. In fact I have been wanting a career change, not totally out of design but still linked to creativity. I can't live without a job that is not related to arts, design and the fine things in life, e.g. food, wine and travel. LOL.

The first interview was a flop, something I am totally not interested in. I didn't realise till at the interview, I was told of the job scope and the whole interview sucked. The second was a good start, not a full time job but instead just freelance work. It never harms to have some extra bucks, does it! Ok, the third one which is coming up later, not going to reveal much for now...

I am still pinning high hope for my dream job, which I wouldn't get a reply till a week or so later... "be patient be patient don't lose hope keep positive"

Feeling extremes

Have you felt on some days nothing was bothering you, you could think clearly and feel at peace with yourself?? Another day, you just had so much anxiety that you were so restless, nothing made you feel better, nothing worked. Normal?? Are they mood swings??

How do people keep themselves positive all the time...

I've been reading, not about being happy or keeping happy... but a lot on psychology related. How to open up our mind, let us be creative and drop our assumptions. This does not only apply to just artistic people, in fact it gives so many insights about life as well. I can't seem to remember things I've read however I make it a point to understand the philosophy behind Heraclitus's epigrams (a Greek philosopher). Very interesting!!

Moving back to the point, I have been feeling so uneasy for some time, but much better at this time when I'm blogging. Else I won't even be writing. I have been thinking... like always, such a thinker... but also feeling... In another way I realised I feel a lot more than I think compared to the past. And I also realised that I now prefer to go with the flow rather than having the cards laid on the table. I like it a little more random I guess, a little unpredictable! Just as life is!

Never remember Singapore as so rainy...

What is happening??? It has been raining far too much since I returned and I can't believe more than half the time the sky has been pouring like waterfall. Isn't April supposed to be hot and sunny??? Isn't Singapore supposed to be summer all year long??? Is it global warming?? Or is it just lousy weather? Or perhaps it is expressing my deep sense of loss that I haven't been aware of...

it feels like winter.. but why is it not snowing.. it feels like winter.. but why is it not snowing...

Dream job

When you call it a dream job, will you ever get it I wonder... or is it as its term, only a dream??

I chanced upon this job, and instantly I felt I wanted to go for it. It has a lot to relate to my interest, my aspiration and probably can take me somewhere further (I mean professionally). I have been spending days and hours to do up the application, it doesn't judge by paper qualification like all Singaporean companies always do... so I hope it will be a fair chance for everyone. It is going to be a tough competition, whether I will be shortlisted or not, I am glad I am giving it my best shot. So fingers crossed...

If it doesn't come, I know there is something else planned down the road for me;)

Do you know why too??

I just happened to read an old classmate's blog and he was relating how he realised why his past relationship had gone wrong... why was it over... only after 2 years!! I feel sad for him, I do... perhaps I do sympathize with him. Maybe I also feel for myself suddenly after reading his experience. I guess you never know when you are totally over that person (whom has hurt you) until one day.

One fine day, when you notice the sun is still shining, you're glad that you're alive. You appreciate yourself and doesn't carry anymore sad or hurt feelings. You smile and laugh, and never felt that you have loved yourself more than any time in your life... Is that how it is supposed to be???

I am waiting for that day I will find the reason too. That "WHY" that my friend has mentioned... and then I know that there is this someone still out there for me, patiently waiting to love me =)