Bye bye 2005

HAPPY 2006 EVERYONE!!!

Oh man... another year is gone. And very soon my Working Holiday Visa is expiring... I can't believe it, I still remember vividly the months I was spending in London, adapting to a whole new environment and enjoying the freedom and heading the route to self-discovery. One and a half year has since become a history, and with this I can also count the months I've been with Flo (mein Schatz). And not long ago, Angela has decided to join me in the holiday making experience - I guess she has a bit more time than me to still enjoy the sights!

Everybody like to do a bit of re-capping at the end of the year of what they have accomplished, for me I can't put them into words. I can only say for the last 2 years, there has been a lot of learning experience for me. Things happened, progressed, changed... in my family back home, in my relationship, in my friendship, in my working experience in London, my travels in europe and also with my own self. I should say I am still very glad I am in one piece, and at the moment am happy with my life and very much looking forward to the new year. Yes, 2006!

My horror or fear of returning back home has since disappeared. Instead, I feel eager to see my friends back home again, to find a super GREAT job and earn more money for future holidays. Somehow I have a lot of "ideas" of what to do when I get home, but nothing seems to be in the right picture yet. I am also wondering how has Angela changed since her experience in London - I believe it is going to shape her up;) or it already did!?

As to the last few days before the end of 2005, I have done some new stuffs. I tried Ebay, bought the Lomo Fisheye Camera I had been yearning for. Ebay is cool, I think I will try a bit more shopping on there! Me and Flo got this PC-DVD game and we have now completed it in 3 days - good partnership. It is called Black Mirror (only in German.. Schade!), it is like an adventurous mystery where you go speak to important people and solve the puzzles! I give it 4.5 stars out of 5 for its amazing graphics and animation!! Fantastic characters and buildings, witty plot. TOTALLY RECOMMENDED!! Lady luck has also been on my side a little, I was booking my hostel for the coming holiday... just a few minutes before I booked the "only double room", someone else just hit his/her booking button! Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... I was cursing, swearing... actually I was more upset than angry... and I tried for hours hoping something will happen. And it really did, some hours later, as I refreshed the page, the room became available again. That someone could have cancelled it. I couldn't believe my luck... so I grabbed my opportunity this time:D

As for my achievements last year, I am proud to say I have attended a German Language Course - at the very least I can speak and understand some now!! Oh I should give myself a pat for the solo travelling I did some months ago to Ireland and York/Scotland. --> it does feel a little weird mentioning 2005 as last year now!


Let's welcome this new year with open arms!! Even though we are again getting one year older, I hope this year brings us bigger surprises!

Say goodbye

Tonight we have a last dinner with my South African mate, Riyaad, I met nearly a year ago - right here in London. I'm the one supposedly to be leaving after him, but due to unforeseen circumstances, it's the other way round. He has a job offer back home which requires him to start in September, he is not in love in London anyway, which is a sufficient reason to leave. We had some memorable time going out here - I guess I'll miss someone just randomly calling me up and asking me how are things going!

Another German friend, Markus has since left after his studies in London. Just nice, when I arrived for a superb Japaneses dinner together... Now it is getting lonely again. Oh well, I have nice colleagues at least :)

In 6 more weeks, I'll leave for Germany for a holiday... I can't really see the road ahead, but I want to pack it with a Scotland tour and maybe do a language course in Germany - let's see. Maybe it is my turn saying BYEBYE to London and oh, poor Angela.

Feeling disturbed

I had a very good sleep which I considered it very sound, except for the fact that I had a very bad dream with it. It was very disturbing, and it made me even wearier when I woke up - later than usual!! I dreamt about my work contract being terminated suddenly and the company has hired an agency instead to do up the design. I haven't been lazy, how could them do that!! So scary dream:((

It must be all the stress and the really busy weekend, I can't even find time for myself to breathe properly - relax.

Friday to Saturday was lot of traveling on the buses; Sunday was a good day to The London Mela festival. Good weekends are always packed with meaningful activities like these, but they wear me out easily... The weekend was wonderful, with the exception of the very temperamental weather. The coming one, I'm off to Ireland all by myself - how exciting!! I hope I don't get nervous breakdown :))) **Relax a bit, take it easy**

I've been spending a bit of £££ again on days out like this... oh man! Curb it, curb it, curb it....

True enough!!

Can you buy some luck, this is something I am wondering... What can you do to make it happen, how do you change your luck... I wish it is as easy as turning the table around, but it isn't.

Friday afternoon, my lovely time with Flo was over. Short and nice. I was upset for a bit, I shopped impulsively I did tell you that didn't I. Ended up spending some £22 pounds to lift the spirits up, damned the new shoes hurt - I threw them against the wall and it still doesn't help:(

Monday, a job contact I emailed some weeks ago rang me up, I went in for a short discussion - there I started straight away. I can't believe my luck this time, hope it lasts though. I'm contracted till Friday and will see if more projects land in my hands:)

Hypnosis

Work. Work. Work. I must work. Casual work. Full time work. Part time work. Seasonal work. Contract work. Temporary work. I need to work. Work work. I have to work. Summer job. Work work work.I will find work. I will be working. I need a nice summer job. I have to work. Work. Work. Work. I need work. I must work. I want a job. I will work. Work is coming. I must find work. I will find work. I want a nice summer job. I have work. I have found work. Work is looking for me. I am looking for a nice summer job.

Like a sour lemon sweet

Besides the transport I am complaining about... the weather being far too hot on some days... everything being so expensive...

This experience is like having a sour lemon sweet. Everything is so sour at the initial moment, it makes you wanting to pull your own hair, shutting your eyes and squeezing those tears at the corner of the eyes. That thrill of sourness however will only be this long - short-termed.

Once that is over, the sweet part lingers and it really feels wonderful. I am thinking I am really taking it easy now, a little more optimistic than I have expected myself to be.

Jobs are coming in really slow, I am beginning to lose a bit of hope every sunny day that passed by. I need a job, a summer job, a lousy job, a job that pays enough to let me survive till autumn... I have to say I am trying very hard, already!

Someone needs to pray for me...

Itching for elsewhere

I'm in London already for a week - still in mid of finding a room, a job, getting hold of a new mobile number! Nothing is accomplished yet, except one thing, I already planned for holidays! That's right, you didn't hear me wrong. I booked my upcoming holiday to Germany in late September. I am already feeling that the time will be flying by, and trying to imagine how I can find such a short termed work to slot nicely in between. This is tough! Everything else is moving too slow, my new mobile will take a week due to the fact that I had ordered it online. Room search is in progress, job search is delayed by my mobile number. So there, I'm stuck for now!

Is this my dream...

Quoting this from my buddy's blog... 
p.s: u'll need chinese encoding to read the lyrics!

"It's been about 2 weeks since Trixy left for London to embark on her holiday maker dream. Time flies fast. I'm still trying to believe that she's really over there in the UK already. We still get to msn each other rather often still since she's currently putting up at a friend's place for the time being. But thanks to her I finally got the answer to my marks and spencers smoked salmon sandwich. Shall think about that when I have the chance to visit the cold storage or super market.

Gonna pinch myself. Okay, I ain't dreaming. She's really there. Tsk tsk...

As I was saying, I'm still trying to believe she's really over there now. I remembered the day we went to send her off at the airport. Suddenly I seemed so heartless, my eyes wouldn't shed a single tear during our farewell. Amongst the Fab4, Syndy was the first to cry. At the gate, I could see Trixy's parents and elder sister tearing. Trixy too along with Syndy and even Lisi. Only I did not cried. I really wonder why too. How I wish I could. Perhaps I was happy for Trixy and maybe a little envy, hence I felt there wasn't a need for tears under such circumstances. Glad for her that she's flying off to start off a new chapter in her life. But I wrote her a letter that's to be read on the plane. In it I mentioned about one of JJ's song, 翅膀 [wings]. I wanted to dedicate that song to Trixy not because it's by JJ , but for it's words and meaning. Hope it can be a sorta motivation for her whenever she's feeling down or lonely there.

The song was written when JJ [think so] was feeling down in Taiwan, thinking about his ex-gal. Unfortunately JJ borke off with his gal as he had to fly off to Taiwan to become a singer. [Hope I did a good enough translation of the lyrics]

翅膀 - wings

同样的机场 不同世界 - the same airport yet different worlds
同样的咖啡 不同味觉 - the same coffee yet different tastes
同样的我和我 都少了一些 - the same me and I, seem lacking a little something
看飞机划过天空 不见了 - the plane flew past, disappearing into the sky
用你给我的翅膀飞 - I'm flying with the wings you gave me
我懂这不是伤悲 再高都不会累 - I know that this isn't saddness, it won't tire me out no matter how high I soar
我们都说好了 用你给我的翅膀飞 - we've agreed, to fly with the wings you gave me
我感觉己够安慰 乌云也不再多 - I'm comforted enough, gloomy clouds no longer seem that much
我们也不为谁掉眼泪 - we won't have to shed tears for each other
空气中藏着 你的香味 - your fragrance's been hidden in the air
回忆里躲着 你的眼泪 - your tears's been hidden in the memories
最后拥抱的 温暖还有一些 - I remembered our last warm hug
我拖着行李往前 一直走 - I kept on walking ahead while dragging my luggage
看一看回忆 是云朵 一朵朵的飘过 - memories are just like clouds, floating away one by one.
若想要回头 就无法傲翔 - I won't be able to soar if I were to turn back

JJ’s case was that he had to leave his beloved to pursue his career. Whereas Trix's was to leave Singapore and loved ones in search and pursue of her dreams and to travel around Europe. Though both JJ and Trix had different reasons for leaving, but still for a same cause. i.e. Dreams~

Hope this new pair of wings will help Trix soar high towards her dreams and goals. I envy Trix [not cos of the holidaymaker thingy] who manage to discover her dreams and going ahead to realizing it, making it come true. She's chasing after it while me am still lost as ever, without any hint of where to head.

Nevertheless I'm glad that I didn't tag along with her this time, for if I do, it's her dream that I'm chasing and not mine. Although I really hope I can be a holidaymaker too, I guess it ain't the right time for me yet. I waver too much.

So here's wishing Trixy lotsa luck. Take care and have fun! Cya soon next year! Miss ya lots! *muacks*

posted Tuesday, 31 August 2004

"Last day" in Singapore

Choi choi... I don't mean the last day as in the last in the universe!!

It might be the last day I'm spending in Singapore this year!! And before my flight. I don't think I'm able to get any sleep, one reason being I can't sleep (i'm still packing). Actually last minute packing is a great idea, because it will keep the mind off emotional issues. I was weeping (secretly) when my mum was mentioning how much my lil sister will miss me. Yes, she's my best friend at home and I'm hers too. She loves to tell me about her daily encounters in school and I can't imagine for a moment how quiet my life is going to be without her. My family definitely care too much for me, I can sense the sadness yet I feel so lost how I should reassure them.

Today, I see how many people do care for me... I can't say I'm not touched by all the messages and gestures. My friends, they are the loveliest people in my life. My family, they are the most important people in my life. My rabbit, you are the nicest thing I come across and may that be as long as it can be. I miss all of you... Fab 4, the hamper is really so thoughtful (muacks for that)! BS, don't worry so much about me, everyone has to grow up one day and I'm doing that. Volleyball mates, thank you for being so spontaneous all the time... Barney, I appreciate that email (even I haven't got the time to get back). Everyone else, thank god that you exists!

I was taking the train home, it struck on me I might not have the chance to take the MRT so soon again. I was carefully observing every passenger, and crying from all the text messages that got me over-emotional, I wasn't disturbed if anyone noticed. I just want to be myself. I took the walk back home, at the same time wondering what it is like to walk home in london!!

I'm still not done with my packing yet! One luggage. One backpack. I need one more!! Gosh, this is hard work... For once, I feel those eggs hatching in my stomach. The butterflies will be out tomorrow.

And my dad keeps waking up every few hours, I feel bad making them losing their sleep. My dad even took an off day tomorrow to send me off. Everyone might be there! I need to write him a letter... one in chinese, to make him feel better :) Or so I hope.

Time to fly in 8.5 hours...

Hardbitten

I was immediately in tears after my dad spoke to me. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him longer. It's that kind of feeling which you want to assure him that you're grown up now and wanting him to see that, yet you know he couldn't stop worrying about this process. I know I can never make him worry lesser, but I hope someday (soon) he'll realize his children need to grow up independently. Yes, at least for me.

After so many tearful sessions, I can't help but doubt how strong I can be. Everyone around me told me the bravery of embarking on this trip alone. I'm frightened too, like everyone else. 10 days before the departure, my eyes went red whenever I was reminded of the D-day. I miss everything!

My farewell on Friday night has been a success, even many did not manage to turn up the number still comes up to about 20. Many unexpected gifts and presence which I really appreciate, THANK YOU for those who have made the time & effort!! Also my other Fabulous 4's members for always supporting whatever I do.

On the train back home today, as I was flipping through the London guidebook (I got as a present) I for once began to feel the excitement growing inside me. I've gained the confidence for continuing long-distance relationship, kinship and friendship. So it has left me a couple of months to fully explore myself, surviving in london, and traveling.

Maybe yes I'm ready...

Fly baby fly

It is less than a month I'll be in Heathrow. London Heathrow.

It is less than two weeks I'll be on the plane. I love holidays. I will have a beach holiday finally - something I've been waiting to do with someone; something I've been wishing some people could have done it with me. London will be a start of another long holiday, at least it would be one for me (whether I'm working or not).

It is now I'm feeling everything - fearful, excited, sad, loved, lost, lazy, happy, curious, hopeful, restless, emotional, isolated... I can't finish describing, I always wish I've a longer time in Singapore. Yet I know, I've had prolonged my stay much longer than I had intended to. I'm taking my own sweet time dilly-dally with all the preparation which would have been quickly winded up by now. I feel so unaccomplished.

Yes, yes... Stop giving more excuses!! It has been the only thing I have been looking forward to. Despite it coming right at me, I'm avoiding looking it in its eyes. I can't figure out why I feel so confused, I still want to go, but I need one more good reason to make me smile. Thats it!

My parents have been following up on my decision, they talked to me about the trip. My mum wasn't confident of my financial abilities in a country 3 times more expensive, I can't say I am, without fishing for some work there. My dad was more concerned if I can survive in the "freezing" weather...

I wish I haven't had so much love...

luv ya luv ya luv ya

I finally got my ticket!!!!

Its a mixture of excitement, fear and reluctance. Excited, because I have been wanting to do that; fearful, because of the unforeseen future I've put myself into and there's no one else I can depend on anymore; reluctant, because I'm enjoying all this unemployed period of time with my loved ones (friends, rabbit and family).

Last Friday, after so much hesitation and consideration, I booked my flight with Malaysia Airline to London. 6 months return. I reckon I'll be home for the Chinese new year. I will be leaving mid-August... not sure if its the right time, but its going to be exactly 2 weeks rest after my beach holiday. My initial plan of leaving on 23 July has been delayed till then due to too much going on in my life. I'm satisfied, for once, I never complained about my life again. I've never felt this way - being thrilled for the coming months... thinking of how I should celebrate my xmas in London or maybe somewhere in the snow :)

Awww, I'm going to spend my birthday away from all my close friends... anyway, it is never a big celebration for me!

p/s: BS, if you read this, sorry for forgetting that you've left for HK, wanted to give you my regards... but I've not been remembering your departure date. Return safe & may God bless you with a fruitful time!

Mummy & Daddy

Finally I plucked up the courage to talk to my parents about leaving... it wasn't that difficult after all. My mum opened her mouth and asked me about what (job) I will be doing there; my dad was speaking to me about my date of departure. Somehow now, I know I'm leaving with a peace of mind. They assume I'm going to get a JOB. I know they are worried, I know they would have prefer me to stay. However, I see it all coming... I feel it. That surge of energy inside me is alive, that adventurous spirit is burning and I know this is what I've to try out.

Things are moving so quickly, I bought a huge backpack (48L still look so big on me), am I that tiny!!! I think its still NOT big enough... ok yes yes, I know you guys think its going to fall over me if its over 50L!! I'm probably too greedy.. or over-confident eh. Time to book my flight ticket as well... yeah I did some research already. I can't bear to leave.. really... but there's more out there waiting for me.

I'm pampering myself too much, rewarding myself with a beach holiday end of the month before I take my wings to london! Ha, I guess I'm living up to the name of a holidaymaker now... but subconsciously, my head is telling me to save more money for survival in that cosmopolitan city.

Post-visa collection

HELL YEAH! I FINALLY GOT IT! I'M GOING TO THE UK!!!

Pre-visa collection

I couldn't wait anymore, so I decided to ring the visa application center. My heart was pounding every second, seriously I haven't been more nervous than this. Not even receiving my exam results. The officer answered, fortunately I didn't stammer, I calmly requested her to check my status of my application.

I gave her the code number from that little receipt I tucked in my wallet. She repeated and asked if I have given her the correct one. I stopped breathing for a second and did a check. It's right! God, don't play a joke on me right this moment...

I felt like I could have a heart attack!

She returned moments later and said,"You can come and collect it, we have it with us." A sense of relief overcame me right after that sentence, I hang up. Without asking if the visa is approved. Yes, imagine I don't even want to know the news!! I'm so scared. With or without the visa, I'm retrieving back my little red book. And for now, I don't want to think about it. I can't, just can't. My feet turned cold. My fingers too. My body temperature seems to have decresed tremendously over that few minutes of phone conversation!

*Say some prayers for me...*

I want my visa

GIVE ME MY VISA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

London I'm coming...

I applied my visa this afternoon! Its something I've been delaying and putting lot of thoughts into. Considering from my purpose of the trip to what's there for me in Singapore, and I've decided to go ahead.

It's a big decision. I did not know how to put it to my parents, my sisters knew about it. My parents are aware I'm probably leaving, I can't bear to update the details. It feels sour inside... Now I can't turn my head back, the future is laying right ahead! So much to do within these few months, and somehow many things I'll be missing as well. I meant people (more like it). Even though I'll still be in suspense for 4 more days before I get my visa approval, I hope I did convince them!

I'm scared now! Not when I was actually supposed to when I was applying, it comes a bit slow - but yea, its coming... Time has sped faster than an express train, the wind blowing hard right in my face...

And men, men, when they said they will call... they still never did... whatever.

Don't scare me leh...

Dear Syndy is leaving us for her beloved, or actually to try out her next phase of life in Canada. In a way, I'm envious. She has someone waiting there for her. But me? I'm going all alone, I'm dependent on my own. My money. My accomodation. My friends?! Maybe that's the independence I'm really looking forward to. Freaky!

I can't admit I've no fear. Even the strongest person had fallen once, many people told me how courageous it is to do that. I've that confidence, I've the faith in me, but that doesn't say I don't have worries. My family back here! My new life over there!!

Having another last dinner with the girls (before syndy flies) last night suddenly induced so much pressure. They spoke about crimes, rapes and all other possible bad things that could happen. Yes, I have to say I've considered them, but they aren't going to be the excuses I'm preventing myself from deciding on the trip.

When have I made up my mind? This january. When have I been yearning to go back to london and live a life (at least once)?? A year ago.

It was a stressful conversation picking up my fears, because I'm always putting my eyes on the positive aspects. That's what that gets me going. When Syndy asked me not to go and rather join her in Canada, I saw a clearer view of what I'm going to pursue. Not a new life anywhere! Its the dream of living in london (whether in there or outside), flying to europe, going up to scotland, meeting new people, exploring life MYSELF. Rediscover myself & my capabilities.

My dear friends are worried for me, so are my parents. I'm worried too... but I can't imagine living my life here for another 2 years doing exactly what I am doing. I want to go out there!! Why is Singapore so safe and every else not?? Thats what I want to look beyond.

Every person whom told me they've confidence in me are LIARS... They said so, then the next thing is discouraging me not to go. Either that, or they make it sound like the easiest thing to do!!! I'm sad, I still trust myself.

Things to do in London

I was speaking to Guna, thanks to Angela for passing me his contact. Guna is currently on UK holidaymaker visa too, exactly what I want to do. He gets me all curious and eager to go back there. I have endless questions which I've flooded him with... and still a lot more popping up now!! Lucky Guna has friends there with him, at least they are dependable on each other and what more is his free accomodation. I doubt I've that kind of luck to stay for FREE. Anyway, it has provided me with another kind of encouragement and support that I know another person in london. Another Asian. Another Singaporean.

A list of things I want to do in London:
- Feed the pigeons at Trafalgar Square
- Feed the chipmunks / squirrels in Hyde Park
- Visit British Museum again
- Visit National Portrait Gallery
- Step inside St. Paul Cathedral
- See Portobello again
- Shop at Camden again
- Go partying / drinking

That's all for now.. till I have more ideas...