End of summer & September

For the first time in London, I feel that time is going fast... Yippee...

Counting my fingers, I am here for six bloody weeks. Do I sound rude?? I hope not. I guess "fuck", "bloody", "ass" is very common in the British language here. He he. Yes, its October soon.

To imagine turning 23 in less than ten days, I was still hoping I can tell everyone I am only 22 for a longer period of time. That's still feasible for a week I guess. I dare not hope of any celebration here even though I already knew I'll get some mails from Singapore. Very sweet, I'm so looking forward to it!

Though I still hate the Britain's inefficiency and the expensive crappy transport system, I'm beginning to get used to it - to live in a way less perfect place than Singapore. I've to accept their shortcomings in order to like it here - like I've to accept the new room as well.

It is funny to say how much I hope to move out. But once I'm back home, after a "difficult" time showering with the bath, I couldn't care less about all the faults in the house. I'm mostly feeling too cosy in the bed for some read or playing with my ibook. Still, I'm open to the options of moving out... whenever I get something better :)

When you think you'd like to live in the 80s

I'm fucked with myself...

Now I don't like the room that much, my plan is stay for 2 weeks and look elsewhere. No shower head, no broadband, half working fridge, half working tv, spongy mattress with bad support, and dirty carpet. Ok, I did like it in the first place because of the decor. But when it really comes to living there and knowing what's working and what's not, where is my 100pds going...? Just for a bed?? Or a place to sleep?? I really don't know. I just need at least a decent internet connection so I won't be so......... bored on weekends. Well at least there's so much I can do if I'm online.

Oh, I forgot to add... no washing machine!

Moving in tears...

Don't cry for me, I told the sky...

I look at the droplets on the window, can't help but feel that the weather is as blue as I was last night. For another time, I cried for the fear of the unknown. The change. A move from a familiar and trusted place to one I'm totally new to. I've to start from the scratch, to build that sense of belonging to the new environment (living in another part of London), trusting the people I'm going to share with and having a room that now I can proudly say my own. Yes, its bloody 100 pounds per week. Its so beautifully decorated, that it never crossed my mind how much I was going to pay for. I want to live in there! Somewhere I can never imagine I'd have found, somewhere I doubt there's hardly a second one. Its so **RETRO*... No, seriously... furnitures back in 80s or 70s, photographs plastered walls, not perfect but so much warmth about it. It's like living in a gallery :)

At the same time, I want to go to Germany earlier...

Life without internet

Lucky or unluckily... I found my own room!!!

I've decided to move in over the weekend, and so my life without internet is going to start. Not that much difference as I still can check emails and blog at work (for the moment). Just no more MSN... sigh! Or other surfing as and when I like it at home. One Czech girl, one polish girl, me and one old English man (owner of the house). Funky cool flat with my superb size bedroom space, I can't be more pleased that that bitch took that room now!! Kekek, I'm so mean.

Hope new life in houseshare is more than fun :)

p/s: Will miss all of you online!! Till I find some solution ok.

I am insecure

Somehow helplessly deep inside, there is this insecurity... and I feel it growing - like a tumor. Maliciously. I'm afraid it might destroy me, or everything else I have now.

It's an awful terrorization of the mind, repressing the good feelings; ruining the optimism; infesting the brain and soul slowly. It has carefully implanted itself, and the only solution now is constant reassurance.

I'm homeless, I can't find that sense of belonging for as long as I can't get myself a decent room (flatshare) over here. My office is the only place I look forward to daily to occupy myself, yet it doesn't make me feel safe enough. I'm only here temporarily after all. I've to find a place that constantly need me in demand, give me a sense of achievement, provide me with stable financial support.

In relationship: the more effort I put in, the more insecure I begin to feel. My expectation grows and my greed for affection escalates to this exaggerating level, I feel like locking myself away. I'm too sensitive. Everything affects me, I'm sick of feeling way too much. I'm tired of knowing too much. I'm slowly losing that sense of self-worth I used to possess...

And I just don't want to be one of the depressing people in cold gloomy London in winter!!

Mir ist in Angst...

Yellow fruits

Pineapple (salad bar at lunch), banana (after lunch)...

Come to think of my favourite fruits, I can't help noticing their color similarity. First on the list, banana (but I only go for a certain type of banana). Pineapple, next (I've to praise the ones in Bangkok). Mango. Durian, bitter-sweet please (at least the flesh is yellow). Grapefruit (sometimes they are yellow isn't it). Dried guava (heh, these are yellow). Buttered corn... mmm... mashed potato... cheesecake... arr.. I'm now going too far. Enough of food.

I need some sleep!!

Food mess

My lunch was an absolute nightmare...

The office's restaurant menu is boring, it is the repetitive of last week's. It was then I decided I should venture out to the nearby sandwiches' stores, hopefully grabbing some cheaper and yummy food. I went to 3, ended up getting extra bananas to add to my sandwich from the famous Pret A Manger. I set my eyes on one, mmm... yummiii.. Turkey, bacon and cranberry. Without any hesitation, I just fished one from the tray and paid.

I returned to my desk, pretty satisfied with my purchase. To my horror, it was the wrong one. Blue cheese, walnut and grape. Fine, this sounds nice too... but, but, but... I HATE BLUE CHEESE!!! It was too late to do any exchange (they didn't state its not exchangeable, but I want to save all the trouble). So I gathered the courage and kept gobbling (not that I'm greedy for it, its that speed), you can probably imagine that torture on my face with every bite. I almost puked, I just had to scrap those blue cheese off the other half of sandwich. But believe me, I bet I need more food later to overcome my mental stress over this lunch!!

I had to rinse with 2 packets of apple juice, imagine this... ooo...

I wonder if I'm down on luck this week, one of the rooms I fancied is just taken by some other bitch!! Well, whatever, it doesn't upset me that I don't get that room, it is the reason that I can't move out sooner that is frustrating...

To defecate

I wanted to use the word "shit" but it sounds rude and dirty. Anyway I'm using it now, am I not!

Alright, I guess my digestive system works very well over here. My dinner the day before has already became waste (well, i assume its that dinner), "gross"... are you thinking of that? Sorry, if you haven't had dinner or just about to eat - hope you read this at the right time. Anyway I was going to say, I had four defecations since (ok, shitting, grrr.. I feel so ashamed to use that word!), impressive - it shows how much I've eaten. I felt so guilty, yet when its out now... it certainly makes me feel "lighter". Or way happier... This goes to show how women psychology works for self-comforting. Heheh.

Sweet as fudge

I am very happy today, it is probably one of the happiest days I have over here - so far.

The day started very badly with clumsy me not realizing one of the "easy-access to central london" train is not working on Sunday, and I actually was supposed to get the 0900 train to Cambridge. By 0826 I was still in my neighbourhood waiting for a damned bus. Ok. Picture this, I'm in zone 3, end of the west, and I have to get into zone 1 (north-east) in like 30 minutes. That is impossible. I began to panic and texted my companion about how late and fucked up I was.

I arrived Kings' Cross at 0910. The train would actually be departing at 0915, it gave me some consolation but not much. I got there, and geezz... where is that freaking place I'm supposed to take the train?!!? It has like 3-4 different lines at the station and many exits. After asking around, I finally ran my way to the right spot, found my friend and we dashed across like over 300m to the whistling train (p/s: I haven't had any breakfast!!). Just 0914 and few seconds to the departure time, we sat there nearly breathless. What a relief!!

Guess what... My friend actually told me there's no specific timing for the ticket, we could have actually taken the next one. Fuck, I felt like punching him (ok, not the violent kind). But it was a good morning exercise I reckon.

CAMBRIDGE

Peaceful. Quiet. Not as pretty as I thought. It is a lovely place, very relaxed. No rushing commuters, no fucked up transport system, no dirty and badly disfigured walls or houses, no litters or black chewing gum stains on the ground, typical traditional english hometown; it did actually impress me a bit. Not much, but a little. It's perfect for a family stay. It didn't have too much around, except over 20 colleges/universities and quite a number of churches, a few museums. It has a few parks (mini-hyde-park). And I love the sight where the houses were beautifully covered with hanging red-greeny leaves... magnificent :)

I broke the record of the most expensive meal I had again. It was £6.25. Pizza hut - 3 courses at £8.60 plus re-fillable pepsi max. However this is well-spent. Compared to that amount I had on shitty chinatown food. I wanted to puke.. ahh so much to eat. I actually had a whole individual pan of pizza, 7 mini wings, and a chocolate fudge cake. Oh, didn't I say I've to stop feeding myself too much... man, that really slipped off my mind!! It was nice company as I invited another friend to join at dinner, so 3 of us seem to be getting along just great.

I had a great laugh, finally...

The evil glow

Paranoid, sensitive, dominant or possessive...

I'm learning a lot more about myself in this month I have been here. Can you imagine, its almost a month now?! I have overcame crying over the greatly missed ones, getting rid of some weird street stalkers, sorting out my life here all alone (well, almost), staying indoor or walking in the city alone (now I meet more people) and most of all also I have been getting serious at what I do at work.

On the other side of the world, I'm coping with the sickness of having a loved one thousands of miles away. It is hard, believe me. I never knew that it could actually made an emotional person like me, even more fragile and almost breakable. I'm not usually an attention seeker, but I suppose I'm more the affection seeker. When I don't get any, it makes me miserable and I have to make (you) miserable as well. Where (you) applies to someone. I am not possessive as I don't enjoy being possessed by anyone all time. Call me dominant, it doesn't sound right either. I guess I need TLC (tender loving care) - like you, Xiuling! I'm just another woman I assume - is this normal??

Assure me, I don't want to feel like an emotionally unstable patient.

Schwein, ich hoffen um Verständnis werben!