Errmmm...

I think I might just return to London... soon...

Not another killer wave

A second tsunami nearly visited Asia again. Another earthquake hit Sumatra, after that tragic incident on 26 December. This time, it wasn't as serious, but a lot of neighboring countries felt the tremors. Japan recently had one big earthquake too isn't it!

Me? I was trying to recall what I was doing at that same time, probably was logging off the internet.

If I did not remember wrongly, a friend said these natural disasters are a form of population control. All the while, a lot of Asia countries like Japan, Hong Kong and Singapore are experiencing low birth rate and a worrying sign of aging population in the future. Yet another part of the continent, children are losing their lives or their parents. Ironical eh!

A series of earthquakes are predicted to follow after the biggest one that triggered tsunami, this one is just a beginning?? Somehow it is quite relieving to see how other countries are offering help and assistance to the affected area, human relationship should be more like this isn't it? There, I have to say I'm proud of Singapore for this one :)))

An old man, wearing a cap and smelling so bad...

I was on my way home...

It was about midnight, the train appeared to be quite occupied, not packed. At Kallang or Aljunied, I couldn't recall, this old man took the seat next to me just as the guy alighted. There was this stench. I couldn't describe in the first minute. Then it got stronger, it was the smell of perspiration and sex. I didn't want to look at him, it was just horrible realizing he had boarded at the station where the red-light districts were.

Dilemma distance detachment

My guy has an opportunity to come back to Singapore for probably half a year in the upcoming Autumn. I have a choice to return to London in Summer (or even spring) for a longer term.

Do you get what I mean, do you see what I see? Picture this, whilst I'm here, he's there; when he's here I'm there. Picture this one more, when I return, he has gone back. I call it silly, but do we have a choice?? Maybe you say yes, maybe you suggest one of us stay put, or maybe some will say go for your own dream? What do you call a relationship you hardly get to see each other, like a 2 years relationship with 75% of the time apart? Long distance relationship? No, you are wrong. I can't visualize myself in that situation and I can't accept this as a relationship. They say, compromising is a big role in relationship, but I have a man whom wants me to go with my dream. In this situation, he will want me to go ahead (to London), and he comes here. Am I lucky?? Or is that a sign we are not important enough in each other's lives?

Subconsciously I yearn to be a part of his life, he can ask me to stay here with him... but he didn't. Subconsciously again, I hope we can share another phase of life in UK together... but is there a choice??

Oscillating

My life is swinging like a pendulum, high and low, back and fro. So are my emotions.

One moment, I seemed to have found what I wanted, the next I was hesitating about it. Everything has an immediate effect on me, should I call it adverse effect? I watched a movie, at the end of it I reflected it on my life. I watched a drama on television and I did the same thing. I saw a documentary "What women want... really" on CNA, it made me want to follow instead of hanging up there swinging to and fro. I took out my bible, flipped and read a paragraph, trying very hard to apprehend what is laying beneath those words. Am I letting too many things hinder my vision, so much so that I couldn't see properly what's laying in front.

I am lost, really lost.

I had a dream. People praised me for the courage, for the life they never thought I'd have sought after. In the middle of a wondrous journey, I chose to return reluctantly. Maybe it was responsibility I have towards my home, or I didn't have much of a choice. Today, I am back here searching again for the next route to my ultimate happiness. No one else can find it, except myself.

Think about this - how much are you willingly to sacrifice for your own happiness, for your own dream?? I am curious how many people chose to give up love and family for their own good. Is this self-centered or is it righteous all of us have our own freedom to make a selfish decision? Is it a blessing to be just a commoner, no big dreams, no big money... just you and me, family and friends, and just enough money to feed those mouths?? Yet many of my friends have chosen the normal lives, and they seem to be satisfied with it.

I have no idea, I spend so much time figuring it out, often ending up more confused. My future is this distorted image or perhaps a 5000-pieces of jigsaw awaiting to be reassembled!

**** Is this a quarter-life-crisis I'm left pondering *****

I miss a friend

Yes, I'm beginning to miss a friend. My south african friend I got to know back in London.

We still email, but nowadays he writes one to everyone, maybe over ten persons on his list. But I understand he's not as net savvy as everyone else is. How do I describe him? What do I miss exactly?

Well... He is brown, fit, always smiling, does that sound good? And he is actually very talkative, he usually speaks about five times as much as I do (Oh but I improve with the time ok!). He makes a good companion. He's easy to get along, funny, positive and very comforting. Sometimes I miss his laughter.

Now you know sometimes friends are also very important part of our life ;)

His Departure

"I feel..." Just as I was about to begin writing, the rubber band snapped again. It never seem to be able to withstand the weight, of my ponytail. It has occurred so often that I can't be bothered somehow. I just replaced it with another one, until probably the day the last one snaps, it must be time to substitute it with a better option.

It stirred up a sandstorm inside me. Should I even say all over me? The allergy did not go away, today it is worse than before, I can see them from my arm to my wrist, my neck and my chin. The following day after his departure, I slept my day away, only waking up to satisfy that hungry stomach. I felt listless, hopeless, aimless and almost all of the negative that I haven't been experiencing for a long time since. My family already diagnosed that I'm lovesick, I am not even so sure of that.

I know I miss him. Together with that, I am missing a lot. He is in Germany now, and that very fact has constantly been haunting me with more images from my memories - the time I had spent there. Just like any other long-distance relationship, it must have felt the same. I was not only bugged by the distance, his absence but also the unknown timing that our smiles will finally meet again.

I forced myself out of bed slightly past 1030, I was awoke at 0830 but I decided to reward myself a little more rest. Unlike the day before, I actually have a better motivation to get around to things. Changing the bedsheet that might be triggering that allergy, updating with the current affairs, looking out for temporary jobs, and see myself getting around to do my tax claim for United Kingdom!

That distance is not going to kill us anymore, so is the cultural difference. I guess I should be willing to be placed behind his studies for now, to see him completing it without any hassle. As for me, I am trying to figure out where my passion lies, where my capability can bring me to, and what I should be doing in the coming months.

I want to be as positive as I was in London, even in a place where my heart is yearning for elsewhere. This is not as easy as I thought...

Blue lights

If you've always been wondering where are all the cabs just before the midnight charges start?? They disappear, don't they? Now I've the answer for you. They are not booked or hired. But they are queueing from the Changi airport's terminals to the expressway!

I swear I saw them. I bet more than a hundred of them lining up on the roadside, awaiting for passengers arriving in Singapore. I was more than shocked, so this is where all the taxis are at midnight. Or even way before midnight. Too ridiculous...

See those numerous blue lights lit brightly, small but many... not just illuminating the way to the airport, it seems like it's going to be a sight for the tourists ;)

Oh boy, I miss him already!

As I was cancelling the to-do-list, he was all packed. There are still 3 things we didn't do, actually just food. Then again, he didn't fancy the ones we had tried some time earlier, so I figured we could give these a miss.

I was standing at the viewing mall, catching a glimpse of the KLM plane parked faraway. 3 weeks has gone like the wind, like a blink of the eye, it was all over. The very day I was skipping with joy receiving him in my arms, today I'm weeping in his arms at the departure gate. I was hesitant to leave the airport, I felt his presence even though he was no longer in sight...

His 3 weeks here wasn't the happiest lot, so was mine. We had so much to trash out after bumping our heads for some time. Now I even feel like I've not made his time here a better one, too late to regret, is it not! So much so on our problems, which relationship doesn't has it own?? I guess talking it through is always more constructive than simply avoiding the problem and chucking it into the pocket.

9 months. 2.5 months dating, 3.5 months long distance, 3 months living together... I can only use "happy but tough" to describe this relationship. It is not a long time, and I think we need more to sort out our differences, understand each other more (of course with the language barrier too), and compromise. I'm glad we still want to keep working on it :)

He has left, but I haven't stop missing him...

Have a safe journey, my little rabbit!

Sorry again...

I succumbed to it again. Chocolate, with strawberry yoghurt. Simply too irresistable!!!

Is this a desire or my desire??

I want to go back.

You may ask, back where? When? My answer is there, United Kingdom (London again?), Germany, or anywhere out there.

But is this just a desire watching my friends leaving or left again for the foreign land, or is this my real desire... I can't seem to tell. My heart is straying; my head is blaming Singapore for all bad luck I'm encountering! I can't help but admit I'm so prejudiced right now. Is Singapore really not for me??

I have to say being out there on my own, I felt much more responsibility, positive, carefree, emotionally independent, and leading a far more fulfilling life than the one I have in Singapore. Away from routine, away from tradition, away from the constraint.

Perhaps my trip back here is a good evidence for my parents that I'm not a little kid anymore. I have a dream and I still love them when I'm out there. I've not been truly happy since I boarded the flight home... I was reluctant. If I had a choice and no burdens to carry, I would have chosen to stay.

Singapore, perhaps is just not the right place for me now.

what do you write on your blog?

Occasionally I was left wondering what to fill up this empty box with. Most of the time, it came naturally and I feel the need to pen it down. Other times, I rather click around and bring myself to random blogs. People I do not know, people I rather not know, people I do not feel the need to know. And it actually became a joy to enjoy their writings. Some very similiar to mine, some totally different, some very fresh idea, or even some that can possibly make me feel touched, emotional or left me searching for the same feeling.

I'm alone in the room, somewhere I never feel my itching can be getting better. With the usual women's thing, my ruined mood due to my recurring skin allergy, I'm swallowing my self-pity to be indoor on a Wednesday night. In less than a week, my beloved has to fly home. More than 6000km away. Yet now, I can't make his time more enjoyable being struck by an unknown irritant, I'm feeling down for him and partly for myself.

I surprised myself time and time again. That impatience, losing control, being easily provoked... What has become of me?? I tried to reflect on myself only realizing deep down I can be such a monster. Can I see things in another perspective, take things lightly, stop scrutinizing... I think I can, I think I need to do that. Why has all this grown on me, so suddenly, like a fungus attack!!

My physical state now is ruthlessly savaging my emotions, especially the happy hormones! I guess I need to do something about it...