Somehow helplessly deep inside, there is this insecurity... and I feel it growing - like a tumor. Maliciously. I'm afraid it might destroy me, or everything else I have now.
It's an awful terrorization of the mind, repressing the good feelings; ruining the optimism; infesting the brain and soul slowly. It has carefully implanted itself, and the only solution now is constant reassurance.
I'm homeless, I can't find that sense of belonging for as long as I can't get myself a decent room (flatshare) over here. My office is the only place I look forward to daily to occupy myself, yet it doesn't make me feel safe enough. I'm only here temporarily after all. I've to find a place that constantly need me in demand, give me a sense of achievement, provide me with stable financial support.
In relationship: the more effort I put in, the more insecure I begin to feel. My expectation grows and my greed for affection escalates to this exaggerating level, I feel like locking myself away. I'm too sensitive. Everything affects me, I'm sick of feeling way too much. I'm tired of knowing too much. I'm slowly losing that sense of self-worth I used to possess...
And I just don't want to be one of the depressing people in cold gloomy London in winter!!
Mir ist in Angst...
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