End of summer & September

For the first time in London, I feel that time is going fast... Yippee...

Counting my fingers, I am here for six bloody weeks. Do I sound rude?? I hope not. I guess "fuck", "bloody", "ass" is very common in the British language here. He he. Yes, its October soon.

To imagine turning 23 in less than ten days, I was still hoping I can tell everyone I am only 22 for a longer period of time. That's still feasible for a week I guess. I dare not hope of any celebration here even though I already knew I'll get some mails from Singapore. Very sweet, I'm so looking forward to it!

Though I still hate the Britain's inefficiency and the expensive crappy transport system, I'm beginning to get used to it - to live in a way less perfect place than Singapore. I've to accept their shortcomings in order to like it here - like I've to accept the new room as well.

It is funny to say how much I hope to move out. But once I'm back home, after a "difficult" time showering with the bath, I couldn't care less about all the faults in the house. I'm mostly feeling too cosy in the bed for some read or playing with my ibook. Still, I'm open to the options of moving out... whenever I get something better :)

When you think you'd like to live in the 80s

I'm fucked with myself...

Now I don't like the room that much, my plan is stay for 2 weeks and look elsewhere. No shower head, no broadband, half working fridge, half working tv, spongy mattress with bad support, and dirty carpet. Ok, I did like it in the first place because of the decor. But when it really comes to living there and knowing what's working and what's not, where is my 100pds going...? Just for a bed?? Or a place to sleep?? I really don't know. I just need at least a decent internet connection so I won't be so......... bored on weekends. Well at least there's so much I can do if I'm online.

Oh, I forgot to add... no washing machine!

Moving in tears...

Don't cry for me, I told the sky...

I look at the droplets on the window, can't help but feel that the weather is as blue as I was last night. For another time, I cried for the fear of the unknown. The change. A move from a familiar and trusted place to one I'm totally new to. I've to start from the scratch, to build that sense of belonging to the new environment (living in another part of London), trusting the people I'm going to share with and having a room that now I can proudly say my own. Yes, its bloody 100 pounds per week. Its so beautifully decorated, that it never crossed my mind how much I was going to pay for. I want to live in there! Somewhere I can never imagine I'd have found, somewhere I doubt there's hardly a second one. Its so **RETRO*... No, seriously... furnitures back in 80s or 70s, photographs plastered walls, not perfect but so much warmth about it. It's like living in a gallery :)

At the same time, I want to go to Germany earlier...

Life without internet

Lucky or unluckily... I found my own room!!!

I've decided to move in over the weekend, and so my life without internet is going to start. Not that much difference as I still can check emails and blog at work (for the moment). Just no more MSN... sigh! Or other surfing as and when I like it at home. One Czech girl, one polish girl, me and one old English man (owner of the house). Funky cool flat with my superb size bedroom space, I can't be more pleased that that bitch took that room now!! Kekek, I'm so mean.

Hope new life in houseshare is more than fun :)

p/s: Will miss all of you online!! Till I find some solution ok.

I am insecure

Somehow helplessly deep inside, there is this insecurity... and I feel it growing - like a tumor. Maliciously. I'm afraid it might destroy me, or everything else I have now.

It's an awful terrorization of the mind, repressing the good feelings; ruining the optimism; infesting the brain and soul slowly. It has carefully implanted itself, and the only solution now is constant reassurance.

I'm homeless, I can't find that sense of belonging for as long as I can't get myself a decent room (flatshare) over here. My office is the only place I look forward to daily to occupy myself, yet it doesn't make me feel safe enough. I'm only here temporarily after all. I've to find a place that constantly need me in demand, give me a sense of achievement, provide me with stable financial support.

In relationship: the more effort I put in, the more insecure I begin to feel. My expectation grows and my greed for affection escalates to this exaggerating level, I feel like locking myself away. I'm too sensitive. Everything affects me, I'm sick of feeling way too much. I'm tired of knowing too much. I'm slowly losing that sense of self-worth I used to possess...

And I just don't want to be one of the depressing people in cold gloomy London in winter!!

Mir ist in Angst...

Yellow fruits

Pineapple (salad bar at lunch), banana (after lunch)...

Come to think of my favourite fruits, I can't help noticing their color similarity. First on the list, banana (but I only go for a certain type of banana). Pineapple, next (I've to praise the ones in Bangkok). Mango. Durian, bitter-sweet please (at least the flesh is yellow). Grapefruit (sometimes they are yellow isn't it). Dried guava (heh, these are yellow). Buttered corn... mmm... mashed potato... cheesecake... arr.. I'm now going too far. Enough of food.

I need some sleep!!

Food mess

My lunch was an absolute nightmare...

The office's restaurant menu is boring, it is the repetitive of last week's. It was then I decided I should venture out to the nearby sandwiches' stores, hopefully grabbing some cheaper and yummy food. I went to 3, ended up getting extra bananas to add to my sandwich from the famous Pret A Manger. I set my eyes on one, mmm... yummiii.. Turkey, bacon and cranberry. Without any hesitation, I just fished one from the tray and paid.

I returned to my desk, pretty satisfied with my purchase. To my horror, it was the wrong one. Blue cheese, walnut and grape. Fine, this sounds nice too... but, but, but... I HATE BLUE CHEESE!!! It was too late to do any exchange (they didn't state its not exchangeable, but I want to save all the trouble). So I gathered the courage and kept gobbling (not that I'm greedy for it, its that speed), you can probably imagine that torture on my face with every bite. I almost puked, I just had to scrap those blue cheese off the other half of sandwich. But believe me, I bet I need more food later to overcome my mental stress over this lunch!!

I had to rinse with 2 packets of apple juice, imagine this... ooo...

I wonder if I'm down on luck this week, one of the rooms I fancied is just taken by some other bitch!! Well, whatever, it doesn't upset me that I don't get that room, it is the reason that I can't move out sooner that is frustrating...

To defecate

I wanted to use the word "shit" but it sounds rude and dirty. Anyway I'm using it now, am I not!

Alright, I guess my digestive system works very well over here. My dinner the day before has already became waste (well, i assume its that dinner), "gross"... are you thinking of that? Sorry, if you haven't had dinner or just about to eat - hope you read this at the right time. Anyway I was going to say, I had four defecations since (ok, shitting, grrr.. I feel so ashamed to use that word!), impressive - it shows how much I've eaten. I felt so guilty, yet when its out now... it certainly makes me feel "lighter". Or way happier... This goes to show how women psychology works for self-comforting. Heheh.

Sweet as fudge

I am very happy today, it is probably one of the happiest days I have over here - so far.

The day started very badly with clumsy me not realizing one of the "easy-access to central london" train is not working on Sunday, and I actually was supposed to get the 0900 train to Cambridge. By 0826 I was still in my neighbourhood waiting for a damned bus. Ok. Picture this, I'm in zone 3, end of the west, and I have to get into zone 1 (north-east) in like 30 minutes. That is impossible. I began to panic and texted my companion about how late and fucked up I was.

I arrived Kings' Cross at 0910. The train would actually be departing at 0915, it gave me some consolation but not much. I got there, and geezz... where is that freaking place I'm supposed to take the train?!!? It has like 3-4 different lines at the station and many exits. After asking around, I finally ran my way to the right spot, found my friend and we dashed across like over 300m to the whistling train (p/s: I haven't had any breakfast!!). Just 0914 and few seconds to the departure time, we sat there nearly breathless. What a relief!!

Guess what... My friend actually told me there's no specific timing for the ticket, we could have actually taken the next one. Fuck, I felt like punching him (ok, not the violent kind). But it was a good morning exercise I reckon.

CAMBRIDGE

Peaceful. Quiet. Not as pretty as I thought. It is a lovely place, very relaxed. No rushing commuters, no fucked up transport system, no dirty and badly disfigured walls or houses, no litters or black chewing gum stains on the ground, typical traditional english hometown; it did actually impress me a bit. Not much, but a little. It's perfect for a family stay. It didn't have too much around, except over 20 colleges/universities and quite a number of churches, a few museums. It has a few parks (mini-hyde-park). And I love the sight where the houses were beautifully covered with hanging red-greeny leaves... magnificent :)

I broke the record of the most expensive meal I had again. It was £6.25. Pizza hut - 3 courses at £8.60 plus re-fillable pepsi max. However this is well-spent. Compared to that amount I had on shitty chinatown food. I wanted to puke.. ahh so much to eat. I actually had a whole individual pan of pizza, 7 mini wings, and a chocolate fudge cake. Oh, didn't I say I've to stop feeding myself too much... man, that really slipped off my mind!! It was nice company as I invited another friend to join at dinner, so 3 of us seem to be getting along just great.

I had a great laugh, finally...

The evil glow

Paranoid, sensitive, dominant or possessive...

I'm learning a lot more about myself in this month I have been here. Can you imagine, its almost a month now?! I have overcame crying over the greatly missed ones, getting rid of some weird street stalkers, sorting out my life here all alone (well, almost), staying indoor or walking in the city alone (now I meet more people) and most of all also I have been getting serious at what I do at work.

On the other side of the world, I'm coping with the sickness of having a loved one thousands of miles away. It is hard, believe me. I never knew that it could actually made an emotional person like me, even more fragile and almost breakable. I'm not usually an attention seeker, but I suppose I'm more the affection seeker. When I don't get any, it makes me miserable and I have to make (you) miserable as well. Where (you) applies to someone. I am not possessive as I don't enjoy being possessed by anyone all time. Call me dominant, it doesn't sound right either. I guess I need TLC (tender loving care) - like you, Xiuling! I'm just another woman I assume - is this normal??

Assure me, I don't want to feel like an emotionally unstable patient.

Schwein, ich hoffen um Verständnis werben!

Oink!!

"Don't be a pig..."

I've to stop eating too much; I can't help myself. Recent weeks, I had been doing the full lunch and light dinner regime. This week, it didn't seem to work that well. I am always having more than a bite for the evening. This is scaring me. It's not that my weight has increased tremendously which I do not think so yet. However, it is making me feel bad - about my well being. Arghh, girls are girls. Too conscious whether you gain a pound or even just 100g. Am I right??

Let's put today for a good example.
Breakfast: 3 Small-medium cookies & Orange juice
Lunch: Roast Beef with Roast Potato, Yorkshire Pudding, Cabbage & Fresh Horseradish
In-between lunch-dinner: Orange juice; Chocolate swiss Roll; Sweet nougat-like slice (which someone offered me, already rejected another huge butter cookie); Marks & Spencer cow gummies (just a couple)
Dinner-to-be: Chocolate banana muffin (hopefully not more!)

Hows that? Usually back home, I'll grab a mini lightly salted chips for the night :) Greedy greedy. Now I feel my button in the pants trying to push the tummy away, "you're squeezing me too hard"!! Stop eating junks. I tend to buy more chocolates n sweets over here, just spoiled for choices really. Singapore has such a small variety and so uninteresting. Mmm I can't complain about Singapore because thats why people over them are so much slimmer!! Right!!

I'll try to ermm... stop feeding myself too much, okay :)

quack quackkk

The restaurant in the office is spoiling me, in fact, it has encouraged me not to cook my own meals. I always have such a fabulous and filling lunch, in the evening I just make do with a muffin or yogurt or salad. Oh everyday I look forward to come to work, because of the food. It's not that I don't enjoy what I do at work, but yes lunch is first on the list.

I had a nearly 5 pounds meal in Chinatown on Sunday again, but it couldn't even match up to the standard of a 2 pounds Marks & Spencer sandwich. I hate Chinatown food, crap! I wanted to get some mooncakes to go through a "alone-in-London" mid-autumn, but look at the prices and you can't even bear to eat them.

French; North African; South African; UK-borned-Honkie. 4 new friends I met outside work. Not that great, not that many, but I can see it growing. Colleagues are still better :)

Back to the title. Yes, no duck rice. Fine, I have something even much better today at half that price. Honey & Orange Glazed Duck Leg with Boulangere Potato & Broccoli.

Wahahaha...

I finally unlocked my new phone from the damned freaking network - vodafone!! Ho ho ho... I'm so happy.

Ok, I paid 20 pounds for that. 20 pounds for nothing but it made me screaming now. "It has regained its freedom, congratulations, my phone!"

EMI wowee

Days seem to pass quick with at least 8 hours out of the house... or well, in front of another monitor at work. I always wonder how long I will be there... EMI has a very cool office, I guess I should say a building. There's 5 levels plus a ground. A perfect and affordable cafe for the staffs, that serves breakfast to lunch and drinks after office hours. Cool people everywhere... I always see different people at lunch time. Even though today I haven't met anyone new. I guess people have noticed I'm new. I'm starting to enjoy the work here, I can't say it's better than Singapore. But it does feel good. I like the environment, the people I work together with, and even though I can't chat at work - time still flies. Amazing eh??

I have to say I get along pretty well with one of the new colleagues I met at work. Not in the sense that we hit it off in many ways, but we are at the same frequency. Yeah, maybe being around the same age makes it easy, ah, I'm younger of course. What more - He has the mobile phone I've always been dreaming of!!! K700i!!!!

The first thing I arrive at the office is to surf the intranet and check the lunch menu! Ha ha ha, sounds like a hungry ghost... but that's the only time I look forward to. Lunch and chit chat. Working is fine, just that I do not have to use my mouth that much, ya understand?

*A pat on the back*

I need to praise myself...

Leaving my loved ones behind... I haven't thought of myself as being selfish, because I've considered all the factors encouraging and supporting my decision beforehand. I always thought I was so strong, but the day I left, I cried so bad. Now I've to say that I do think I am strong...

I'm independent. I have the courage to follow my dream. I can take care of myself. I enjoy my loneliness. I'm taking more initiatives. I can handle my emotions better. I'm doing everything by myself!! I love this life, I can't say how grateful I feel that I have flown here... It's picking up slow, but definitely going somewhere. I know I'll be much a wiser person when I return home.

Wait for me, my friends :)

I miss you, duck!

Walking in Piccadilly Circus at 8pm made me felt like I am in a dream. Was it because its the first time in the two weeks that I was out this late in the city - central London? Or perhaps it feels kind of refreshing to be back here. It was the most frequent place I visited last year when I stepped my foot in London. It was not at all crowded, but there was a street performance going on and people surrounded the centre of Piccadilly.

I had the most expensive dinner tonight. I just wanted to let go and not think of the conversion rate, ha ha ha. I walked down Soho - Chinatown, in hope of looking for some cheap Chinese food. Now, don't ever think Chinese food are always cheap. It's even more costly than the KFC, BK, Fish & Chips or even Pizza Hut. My dream of eating roast duck rice was ruined, it costs almost 10 times more than what we have in Singapore. Consider yourself lucky now if you're eating char siew or duck rice back home. They sell like £6-8 for just a plate of duck rice, imagine... I opted for the cheaper Chinese buffet at £5. At least it was a buffet and I had like 3 servings (not that much really with each).

Now I love my mum's curry chicken. The curry chicken here just tastes funny! Yes, funny...

Is this my dream...

Quoting this from my buddy's blog... 
p.s: u'll need chinese encoding to read the lyrics!

"It's been about 2 weeks since Trixy left for London to embark on her holiday maker dream. Time flies fast. I'm still trying to believe that she's really over there in the UK already. We still get to msn each other rather often still since she's currently putting up at a friend's place for the time being. But thanks to her I finally got the answer to my marks and spencers smoked salmon sandwich. Shall think about that when I have the chance to visit the cold storage or super market.

Gonna pinch myself. Okay, I ain't dreaming. She's really there. Tsk tsk...

As I was saying, I'm still trying to believe she's really over there now. I remembered the day we went to send her off at the airport. Suddenly I seemed so heartless, my eyes wouldn't shed a single tear during our farewell. Amongst the Fab4, Syndy was the first to cry. At the gate, I could see Trixy's parents and elder sister tearing. Trixy too along with Syndy and even Lisi. Only I did not cried. I really wonder why too. How I wish I could. Perhaps I was happy for Trixy and maybe a little envy, hence I felt there wasn't a need for tears under such circumstances. Glad for her that she's flying off to start off a new chapter in her life. But I wrote her a letter that's to be read on the plane. In it I mentioned about one of JJ's song, 翅膀 [wings]. I wanted to dedicate that song to Trixy not because it's by JJ , but for it's words and meaning. Hope it can be a sorta motivation for her whenever she's feeling down or lonely there.

The song was written when JJ [think so] was feeling down in Taiwan, thinking about his ex-gal. Unfortunately JJ borke off with his gal as he had to fly off to Taiwan to become a singer. [Hope I did a good enough translation of the lyrics]

翅膀 - wings

同样的机场 不同世界 - the same airport yet different worlds
同样的咖啡 不同味觉 - the same coffee yet different tastes
同样的我和我 都少了一些 - the same me and I, seem lacking a little something
看飞机划过天空 不见了 - the plane flew past, disappearing into the sky
用你给我的翅膀飞 - I'm flying with the wings you gave me
我懂这不是伤悲 再高都不会累 - I know that this isn't saddness, it won't tire me out no matter how high I soar
我们都说好了 用你给我的翅膀飞 - we've agreed, to fly with the wings you gave me
我感觉己够安慰 乌云也不再多 - I'm comforted enough, gloomy clouds no longer seem that much
我们也不为谁掉眼泪 - we won't have to shed tears for each other
空气中藏着 你的香味 - your fragrance's been hidden in the air
回忆里躲着 你的眼泪 - your tears's been hidden in the memories
最后拥抱的 温暖还有一些 - I remembered our last warm hug
我拖着行李往前 一直走 - I kept on walking ahead while dragging my luggage
看一看回忆 是云朵 一朵朵的飘过 - memories are just like clouds, floating away one by one.
若想要回头 就无法傲翔 - I won't be able to soar if I were to turn back

JJ’s case was that he had to leave his beloved to pursue his career. Whereas Trix's was to leave Singapore and loved ones in search and pursue of her dreams and to travel around Europe. Though both JJ and Trix had different reasons for leaving, but still for a same cause. i.e. Dreams~

Hope this new pair of wings will help Trix soar high towards her dreams and goals. I envy Trix [not cos of the holidaymaker thingy] who manage to discover her dreams and going ahead to realizing it, making it come true. She's chasing after it while me am still lost as ever, without any hint of where to head.

Nevertheless I'm glad that I didn't tag along with her this time, for if I do, it's her dream that I'm chasing and not mine. Although I really hope I can be a holidaymaker too, I guess it ain't the right time for me yet. I waver too much.

So here's wishing Trixy lotsa luck. Take care and have fun! Cya soon next year! Miss ya lots! *muacks*

posted Tuesday, 31 August 2004

I think I think too much

Shepherd pie and salad for dinner...

Now that I've eaten, I think that's quite a lot. Damned... I finally had rice again, at lunch time, EMI has an own canteen catering. How nice!! Always good menu, I can't help letting my eyes watered over those big sized chocolate muffins.

I met a few new people over lunch - Kim, Jessica & Dominic. I guess every lunch time I should sit at a different table so I'll get to know most people by the time I leave. Ha ha ha... It was cool, I do not speak when I eat, so I was listening to their conversation. Typical british lunch gossip :) It made me happier knowing some people at work now.

I had a short conversation with this guy who sat besides me on the way home, an englishman. Ahh, somehow I recall someone telling me that it's hard to find an englishman here as there's more other nationalities than the local in london. It wouldn't be bad that I'm sitting next to a few now eh.

And on my way home, walking alone, it always reminds me of people back home... I wonder how they are doing. I hope my parents are getting used to the idea that I'm here and trying to live a life of my own for a bit and not worry about bad things going to happen! I wonder how my friends are doing, still enjoying unemployed life?? I wonder how my sister is doing in school, has she learnt to cook some steak fillet?? I also wonder what is rabbit doing on a typical Friday night??

Chheeezzz.. I can't believe my luck in getting a room, that bad!

Trying luck finding luck

I saw David Beckham sleeping, yes in National Portrait Gallery! Well, its just a video/picture, but its him...

I picked a penny on the ground. Is it a lucky penny??

Today, 2nd September, I started the first day with my job. Not full time, just freelance. It might end soon, it's only the beginning and I'm already foreseeing how fast it is going to come to an end. Sad, can I take things a bit slower?? Grant me the wish please!!

First day of everything is always exciting and boring at the same time; excited to meet new people but boring because everything for you is not been set up yet. I did try to do some work, yeah, remember I'm paid hourly so I better do something to see my money coming in... At 5.15pm, 8 hours after I stepped in... I called the day off. How long can I stay on the first day? How much can I do on the first day? I reckon, it should be short and sweet. Tomorrow, I hope I find myself occupied for the 8 hours.

Rabbit called me, I was obviously delighted because someone cares about my first day at work as well. It is always nice to hear from the loved ones, it makes me feel so much at home :)

Don't end, summer

Suddenly I started to wonder why I'm here!!!

I shouldn't lead a life like what I used to do back in Singapore. That will be meaningless. Spending all the money here and flying here for the wrong reason. I've to get back in track, my dream of travelling. Maybe it is now too soon to begin another new journey when I'm not even settled here for the 2 weeks. Again, I should be more patient and take it slow, shouldn't I? Life in london has yet to begin, yet to party, yet to make those ground thumping! It is an extended holiday and I have to live it like one :)

I get picky about seeing hairs lying on the floor...

Yes, my hair, not that I mind them dropping. I just can't stand the sight. Sometimes I see myself enjoying picking up the strands and carefully dropped them in the bin.

My itchy feet has started again. Mmmmm.

Not the athlete foot. Wanderlust. I went to EMI (Music) for some project fee negotiation, heh, better not talk about it! I hope I'll have some money coming into my pocket, even if its not a lot! Kekek.. I walked about the south of london, took trains to different places and wandered around like a lost soul. In fact, it is interesting. I want to see different places and think about where I shall find my new room. I kind of like west and south london, but only the ones with malls and supermarkets. I can't live without any stores nearby really!!