My flip-flop is bugging my sole, horribly clouded with dust. I now suspect the old woman has been sweeping the muddied broom over them, often flinging the poor thong to a tiny corner under my desk! I see her as a tiny timid old granny whom never dare to move my things an inch whilst wiping my desk. Occasionally, she lifts up the piles of paper and gives a quick wipe. She does that without looking at whats she is cleaning. It gives me the feeling she doesn't give a fuck about doing it. Or at least when she is at my table.
I like chilling out at a mate's house. Not striking up an acquaintance with strangers. Isolation from the crowds. Not entertained by silly jokes. Not pressured to speak. I enjoy having a familiar face around, we talk about shit, life, future plans, girls, boys, anything, etc...
I saw Dirk on Sunday. We are friends of 2 years, never felt too close or weird together. And when someone like him opens up to me, I grew fond of it. It's that nice feeling. I then safely conclude I'm an easy person to talk to, he trusts me. That is the kind of friendship that genuinely made me moved. He corrected me whenever I used the word "much" instead of "many". This is the kind of openness I appreciate. It happened to me a couple of times over these twenty-one years, a friend or someone new suddenly eased themselves into my company. It then strikes up a conversation so intelligent or intriguing, and fails to let me go. I'm completely absorbed.
I met Oliver the Thursday night I was out with my gals, The Fabulous Foursome. It was a hide-and-seek conversation over the text messages - somehow silly, but it kept the mystery going. We dined in the same restaurant. He was perhaps too engrossed with his company of gals, or maybe he hasn't got any foresight. He couldn't find me. Hiak hiak. I have an indefinite friendship going on with Oliver. He is funny to talk to - however critical I am. I begin to see myself being harsh to people whom do not meet my expectations. We are never in regular contact. Though if the occasion rises, we just fucking flood each other inbox with all the text messages. Somehow we share a same trait - mischeviousness, maybe that is what that keeps it going.
Its my head or is it me. It came abruptly, I almost felt that I could see it.
Some close friends drifted apart, some strangers accidentally invaded into my life, someone I loved starts erasing the trails he imprinted in my life, some people became instantly annoying, the others effortlessly breezed through...
It left me breathless for a minute, and panting the next few to get enough into my lungs. I don't have big lungs I guess.
Affection, it seeps in. I crave for many little things I never had enough of, always in need of. It fell in place, the next moment it scattered my dream. I live in fear and insecurity that surfaces only the moment before I drifted to dreamland. Yet sometimes I talk to God [I'm not religious], I tell them I hold high hopes. I want things to happen, things I knew that would never. I'm hoping to see miracles in my life, waiting for them to take away the fear. The side of me which I buried deep within with my caustic wit, high level of energy and insatiable curiosity. I'm a person pleaser, I wouldn't please the crowd but I'd make someone happy. Smile is the most infectious virus, I am always hooked on it.
I'm suffocating inside. Completely lost, if you were to hand me a map now, I can't even read the legend. Intelligent conversations never fail to inspire me, but they create new illusions that mess me up; and it par·a·lyzes the brain. They continue to stalk my rational thought, memories are nothing except haunting provoking thoughts. My world exists without a past, only new opportunities for the forthcoming. I'm trying to breathe, to live in the moment. My eyes are closing, I want nothing but to break free...
I'm unusually quiet today, my colleages pointed out.
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