I'm dying....

... of an irritant... of a skin disease... of what seems like an eczema... of an allergy... but I still have no idea what is the cause of these little things (which looked like small pimples) on my arms... argghhhhh

Horrid ride

Did you ever dare yourself to do something...

I tried it again. Not on a dare or bet, but strangely eagerly and willingly. I visited the UK Ringo with Flo. Okay, it is not my first time visiting such amusement park. I'm always amazed by the seemingly thrilling rides. And they proved me right! I picked on the one which seemed harmless, well I thought it wouldn't do anything to me physically at least. Not a heart attack.

I was half right! It didn't kill me, but it made me broke out in cold sweat. For the first half, I was screaming my lungs out. At the second, I decided to keep my breath and kept calm. It was the Air Force 1 if you happened to see or visit or even want to attempt after hearing my horrendous experience. I should also partly blame it on the dinner I had just briefly an hour or less before. For the next hour, I was sick... not to mention my dinner had to come out from where it went in. Ewww...

I always have motion sickness. From carsick (esp long winding roads) to seasick, not on the plane fortunately unless it encountered some air turbulence... I am still wondering why I am always too excited to consider about this when I come to such funfair! Later on, I fucked myself up and then started cursing on that impulsion.

Okay, I promise not to take another risk again. Not even bungee jump! I hope I keep this promise...

Flight of Phoenix

I saw this show since I was entitled to it without many choices. It was like a reality hit on your head, not mine of course, of those whom have no determination for survival. It was a shock to watch a scene of emergency plane landing after a failed battle against the sandstorm. What could be worse landing on a desert with limited food and water supply, with no help available. No signal. No radio. Nothing.

The most funny realization was the man who gave everyone else hope turned out to be only a toy plane designer. He designed and re-built a plane together with the others, only convincing everyone that he was a 'real passenger plane' designer. And of course, the plane managed to get it up into the air - magnificent :)

Family affection

I heard Asians have a closer bond with their families compared to Caucasians. Like the Malays, Chinese and Indians, we do many things together as a family, have regular gatherings or meals as a whole. But today, I'm beginning to see this sinking into the quicksand.

I look and observe the people around me, where is the respect we have for one another? In my immediate and extended families for e.g. I'm already experiencing everyone shouting at one another. My mum screams at my dad for the slightest thing, and my dad never change for the better. Who is to blame?? My sister calls people nasty names and her mood is more unpredictable than the weather. My other sister does not value the important of family ties as much. Me?? I was also this ignorant girl with my very own attitude when I left. I had much affection for this family that never surfaced due to the fact that everyone of us were so different. Our affection is expressed only in a harsh or indirect way, verbally. Why did any of us not say a word of love (e.g. I love u dad)?? Why not?? Why are we Chinese brought up with better family values but not expressing it together with affection? Or maybe there are people out there, but a minority. Money is so important, "face" is more valuable than being openly affectionate.

Today I return after witnessing how my friends' families in Britain and Germany live their lives separately but still with growing love for each other. I can't say they are better than us, but obviously it is never a bad thing to learn from other cultures.

Is it not a better lifestyle that everyone of us move out and be independent?? I think of my sister whom is older and still not knowing how to wash her own clothes, still not learning how to cook a proper meal (even rice), still depending on my mum on the house chores. Suddenly I felt a sense of relief that I have already learnt to stand on my two feet. I need not only pick up those skills after I get married, have a own house and an own family. I understand the importance of filial piety in our Chinese society, but I still see the need for us to crawl out of the shell, to leave the nest to know how to take care of ourselves before we can even take proper care of our parents.

I don't know how to love being at home with so much "hidden love". Sigh.

Fabulous @ Johor Bahru

It's the second time I've been to Johor, but it never fails to excite me with the companions every time I went in. The first time, my colleagues made the trip just to reward me with a first stamp in my passport. Today, with Angela's parents (and their friends), the fabulous 5 (oh yea, one more peilin this time) have a lot of fun together. We played games, put fireworks, took silly pictures, ate delicious home-cooked buffet... The five hours we spent there was filled with laughter, joy and almost with nothing else to bother. It was like childhood time!

Thank you Angela (of course, your dad and his friend for driving)!! Hey, we girls are still fabulous :)

Just 4 more days

I did not countdown the days I left Singapore for London, but now I'm counting it because someone very special is arriving in Singapore. Yes, my dearest Flo! It came to me too sudden when he announced on the phone that he will be in Singapore in less than a week...

I can't describe that shock. Of course I felt happy, but more shocked to be precise. In another way, I'm a weird person; he hasn't arrived yet and I'm already frowning at the thought when he leaves 3 more weeks later. I can't help it, even most of the time I try thinking of the day he arrives. 3 weeks is fast, now the 5 months I was away seems long ago...

I have been in Singapore for about 3 weeks, my stomach still rejecting the local food. My body still perspiring so much to the hot weather, my nose gets runny even in this climate (but not in the cold countries). I wonder why! Once in a while, I'm missing the big cities. When I saw Prince Charles' news on his marriage, I get reminded of London (of course, not of him nor his new wife)!! I can still recall those days I was hopping on and off the red bus like a mud-skipper. Those were the days...

Now, I better get a clearer idea if I shall return in the days to come! Good night, people.

Rooster year

It's my year, am I supposed to be luckier or down with luck?? 2005 did not start off very good for me, with a few cuts. A few times on my finger and once on my foot. Does blood signify prosperity since it's red?? Or is it telling me I should be more careful with myself...

Out of nowhere, I've an headache. A slight headache. It doesn't make me feel too good, was it the disgusting chocolate I ate or somehow I'm still disturbed. I slept a lot and my bowels worked a lot too. The food here hasn't been satisfying this stomach of mine. Even now I feel my language is getting affected, is this headache affecting my left brain??

I just burst a "water bubble" on my foot. Do you call it blister, I'm not sure. I'm still scratching it, I feel gross. Even my knee cap is itching. I need to wash my hands. I need that voice to stop me from committing these disgusting habits...

Am I this cheerful...

My ears were on the chill-out disc, and I was flipping an old autograph book written 8 years ago by all my former classmates. Everyone was repeating the same thing, I was studious, quiet, helpful, cheerful, etc. In fact, I noticed they seemed to mention I used to smile a lot, I used to be this cheerful and positive girl. Am I, I can't seem to remember...

What has made me depressed again?? Actually, I'm happier these days, much more than in my school days. I guess bad experiences often put us down, made us feel bad about ourselves and tortured us mentally, emotionally and even physically. Today, I feel like I've found back a part of myself, that positive and optimistic outlook. Just a tiny bit, but enough to keep my little brain free from stress or disturbance. Even when I heard my parents bickering or nagging, it is not going to make me distraught anymore. I hope with this little gift, slowly and wisely I can find the way I want to do with my life.

I witnessed a commotion

It was about midnight when my sister complained of the noise, right opposite our flat someone was screaming away. It definitely seemed like someone was intending to jump off the building. The police arrived shortly, followed by 2 mini fire-engines and a huge one. Then the ambulance. Somehow it felt like a television serial, only on the screen, I got to see such drama going on. Lot of nosy neighbors began to peer out of the windows, some even came out in their pajamas. After about 30-45 minutes, her scream finally died down and she was carried away in the stretcher, unhurt.

I can't imagine why would people like to end their life. Or maybe because I have never thought of doing it myself, so it never occurred to me that one sufficient reason could easily cause someone's death. Would someone kill themselves because they lost their loved one, had a divorce, was declared bankrupt, got some terminal illness or even because of something trivial e.g. failure of examination?! Unfortunately, these are often the reasons!

Suddenly, it made me think about what equals to happiness... and perhaps it means a different thing to all of us!

Ich will...

I want broadband; I want to earn money; I want cold weather; I want to wear scarf; I want to sit on high-speed train; I want to live in less crowded place; I want to bake another cake; I want free incoming calls on my pre-paid card; I want European style shopping; I want Asian food; I want cheap Kilkenny or Heineken; I want vegetarian Maoz; I want to water that baby pineapple plant; I want goodbye kisses; I want my hands numbed with snow; I want Milka chocolate; I want a bath tub; I want Tommy to have some daddy's love; I want more love than I have; I want my rabbit Flo.

I want I want I want I want I want...

Over 6000 miles... Over 6000 miles... Over 6000 miles... Over 6000 miles

Long distance relationship, sometimes I wonder how my friend, Syndy can manage this for almost 6 months now... The initial 3 months I was away from him, it was somehow worrying for this then new relationship. I survived it, but why do I have to go through it again? Don't blame it on my choice, blame it on why we are borned in different places! If God has given me a chance to meet someone who lived faraway, why is it never easier to carry it on??

Maybe I just need an injection of "smilies" cells into my brain...

Singapore, oh, Singapore, sigh...

Is Singapore really that bad? Or am I lovesick? Is my heart still roaming out there, secretly searching for a greener pasture??

Having been home for a week, I haven't exactly felt happier in any way. I saw my parents, my sisters, my friends and even though I'm really glad about it, something else is bothering me. I have not had an idea what my future is holding, can I return or must I stay? Everyone is asking me to take time to sort out what I really want to do, my parents doesn't seem to be as patient. My dad is constantly asking me about finding work. I can't say I'm irritated, I just didn't want to hear it. I will handle it myself and sometimes I hate it when I get all these urgings. It can be a pain.

The hot weather here never changed, the nights are seemingly cooler. I have not noticed huge differences except the usual changes that always happened to shopping malls and maybe food outlets. Another obvious thing is all the local celebrities have chosen this year for babies, I wonder why!

I'm missing out the snow, oh, can I cry? The cold weather, that warmth inside, the tea-lights, my love-shaped Milka chocolate, that orange bedsheets... and most importantly someone whom has become a part of my life are all so distant. I feel empty for some reason...

Can you paint a smile on me...