Goodbye 2003

Writing this, I can't visualise if I will still spend the next christmas in Singapore. Today, so unlike the past years I have spent my new year eve, it is going to be something quiet. Yet with my closest friends whom have been there with me for my past 5 years, we are doing it the "potluck" style at one of my mate's bf apartment.

I am not going to name out the "thank you" to all of you, everyone ought to receive a hug for coming into my life. Good or bad. I've survived them. I live in the hope of 2004 is, will, must and have to lead me to my dream. I want to live in Britain, yes. For people whom do not have an idea of my intention, I am going not because of anyone, not because I dislike Singapore, not because I am unhappy here.

If you like me to name out the reasons, I can gladly list out quite a number:
1. Be independent, physically and emotionally.
22 years, my parents and sisters are there for me, every phase of my life is surrounded with friends and people whom liked me in a way. Not sure if I should say I want to learn things the hard way! But I do want to leave these good things behind (at least for a while) to truely explore my capabilities and my true self.
2. No burden
By next year, my dad has reached retirement age. With that, he should be able to fund himself and my family. I'm leaving my current job, I have ended whatever relationship I have had with a male species.
3. Travelling
Unbelievably, I only travelled out of Singapore at age of 21. To date, 3 trips so far, I discovered my love for travelling!! By living in Britain, I should be able to go around Europe with so much more ease.

I guess those are enough to push me going, not too sure if they are to you.

Last day of 2003, something surprising happened. On my train journey, I bumped into my teacher who taught me 9 years ago. He was my P.E.(Physical Education that is) teacher. Mr Ow. I still remember his full name, too impolite to write it here. Anyway the important thing is that he could actually recall my name. How many students have he taught over his years of teaching!! His son was only 4 then. I didn't know why but I always had a chance to chat with him before the lesson started. Today, I met him and his son (now 13), oh my god, I can't deny I have grown 9 years older!! Do I still look the same as I was at 13!! He sat opposite me in the busy train, we briefly talked. He wished me well (for my future) before he alighted, and I knew I will not disappoint anyone ;)

I've been trying to make my family understand I'm going away for my own good. Difficult. Headache. Heartache. They brought me up, they expected me to stay there till I am married off. I'm not abandoning them, I will be back and a better person I believe. The only thing they told me is "Don't come back, if you leave." Even my sister said to me in a sarcastic way, "You can go, if you leave your money here." My lil sister, however, has taken it not as hard as them, perhaps she has been influenced too much by me! Good thing though! She joked with me about how I will be surviving over there. This is the kind of support I need.

I am not giving up, I have to gain their trust and support!

Lastly, on the last day of a very difficult year, I want to wish all of you a

Happy New Year
May it be more prosperous
May it be more smooth-sailing
May it bring you happiness in life!!!

With love,
I'm signing off 2003.

Today, with the other part of the world

With condolence, we bid farewell to the famous Hong Kong singer-actress, Anita Mui. She has left all of us early this morning after months being subjected to physical torment by a monster. The monster - cancer. At the age of 40, it is a loss for all of us known to her popularity.

I'm not an Anita Mui fan. I've heard of her, watched her movies, saw her sang on tv. She has been professional and loved by many others. It is so cruel to take her away suddenly. She is just like one of us, a normal being.

If life is so short, if all of us are only meant to live 40 years, would life now make a difference to all of you?? I think we shall live our dreams, and be happy. It's all too short to worry...

London eye, I'm eyeing

It came to me last night... that I have to go. Go somewhere faraway. Go somewhere to live a new life. Go somewhere to be independent.

I began to miss a lot of things and a lot of people. It is a big decision I'm going to make, and somehow it feels right! No matter how much I couldn't let go of my past, it will not stop me from leaving. No one will. I wish that someone will ask me to stay, someone will tell me how important I have been in their life. To know that I was being appreciated and treasured will be more valuable than anything I can buy.

And it will be some months before I'm stepping into another world. I hold the hopes with fear, trembling thoughts of surviving out there without my closer friends, without my family. It will certainly be a tough course, but I've chosen it.

Laugh at me!

It's laughable you created a wish list and you end up buying the stuffs for yourself. Or at least now I am doing it. Mmmm, or maybe it is supposed to work this way!!!

I've gotten another book, Man & wife, one which I had been searching high and low in the libraries. They are forever reserved by seemingly thousands of people whom didn't want to buy the book. Oh Tony Parson, you better be thankful I am not one of those now ;)

*Jingle~ bells*

I want a mushy christmas eve!!!

Joy, thank you for bringing us to the christmas house party. I haven't been to one yet! Surprisingly I'm being invited to two this year. For all good things, one is enough. I haven't had so much fun for a bit, it really made me laughed so hard last night. Food was awesome, goshh... mashed potato, stewed beef, turkey, soya chicken, ham, fried prawn rice, mee siam, did they already make you hungry!!! More to come... Sago, brownie and ice-cream for dessert!! Games were entertaining, now I bet I can remember names & faces better, ah, I already do :)

Gift exchange. Or well its a lucky number pick system! GUESS WHAT I GOT!!! It could have been my intuition I chose the number 10. I got a potato cup & saucer, look almost like real potato skin. I was thrilled, ah well, its just potato.

Now I'm eagerly waiting for end of the month when I'll have another belated exchange among the fabulous 4.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!!

Ya know, after watching LOTR, I've a kind of feeling I want to name my future son Sam, or well at least something similiar ;)

LOTR fabulous 4

The Lord of The Rings - The Return of The King

My ratings: * * * *
My fav hobbit: Sam
My fav warrior: Aragon
My fav scene: Ghost warriors came on the battle
My inspiration: Don't abandon love -- Arwen
My aspiration: Write my life novel -- Frodo
My thought on the show: Brilliant, but I didn't wish to see Frodo leaving

In 2001, The Fellowship of The Ring; in 2002, The Twin Towers; finally now, The Return of The King.

To be frank, I didn't repeat the previous episodes in recent months. Thanks to my good memory that I am able to continue off the story when the show started!! It didn't ring much in details, however I remember the first as truely intriguing. It left you hanging in suspense and yearning for more. The second was very nicely packaged with comical scenes amid of all the fighting. Don't you agree, all I can recall was battles!!! Elephants, trees, etc... And the final episode, the truth shall be revealed, the good triumphs over the evil as usual.

The Return of The King is so much more of everything else. Friendship, love, kinship, greediness, loyalty, betrayal... I can't say I don't love it!!! The 4 hobbits reminded me of our very own Fabulous 4, a term John named me & my good 3 friends. Four absolutely charming characters with vast differences in personalities. And for Legolas' fans, take a bucket to drool at the few but nicely portrayed shots of him. Well, I'm going to admit I'm an Aragon fan!

Randomness VII

I'm not going to be a lesbian, no way...

Seems like everything between me and a man is always going wrong. Are you forcing me to turn homosexual!!?? I'm counting how many disappointments I had in the past and it is still increasing. Men, suddenly, has became insignificant at this point in my life. Even a guy friend couldn't keep his promise for a scheduled dinner, what is the world turning into with all these men lacking time management skills?? The only reason for them is work. If work is entirely the reason to live for, life is a labour. Great, I'm giving up, it does seem like I hit it off much better with women anyway. Ha ha.

I had another free movie last night. Lord of The Rings - The Return of The King. Oh my, I haven't had the time to tell you right now about it, things I like about. Soon, soon, I promise. It does seem like this year is a great year for films. I've gone to the International film festival and french film festival. Darn, I missed the german's because it was only like a few days thing that arrived late on notice. Besides paying for all the films, I did get quite a number of free ones. To name those I can recall:

Italian job; Secretary; Wishing Stairs; Down with Love; Love Actually; The Butterfly; Lord of The Rings - The Return of the King.

Lucky, am I not?

And yes, I'm now in the mood for books. My hands are itching to buy some good reads, ah, been a long time! I hate the library because the popular titles are forever on loan. Just got one on my wish list actually, The Between Boyfriends Book! I'm going to hunt for more till the end of the month ;)

Stay away, i mean forever

Have you ever feel like shutting away from some people in your life? Probably they were your enemies or the people you once so loved?? And you couldn't stop loving except restraining from feeling that way???

I witnessed my parents, one shouting at the other. I never once did see them hugging or holding hands. I wonder if they are shy in front of us and others, or simply find it impossible to express their love. More importantly, do they love each other?

Sometimes I find myself having the same problem, is that hereditary?? I'm fine really, writing and expressing myself on paper. But when it comes to saying it, I can't do it. Maybe deep inside me, there is this fear. I want someone to love me as much as I do before I finally open the door to the world of eloquent passion. It will be dramatic.

Certain people have been revolving around my life, they are very important people whom caused great changes in me; to the extent, sometimes I am pondering about my real self. However, it has became increasingly difficult to handle my emotions, my words are ruled by them and it will hurt. Hurt you, I mean. For some reasons, I couldn't express love anymore with nice words but the opposite. I want these people to stay away from me, forever.

它回来了

In a split second, I started to scribble in chinese again.

6 years since I really practised the subject, with a few rare occasions of my random essay writing over the period. Lying on the bed last night, it all suddenly came to me that I was able to vividly describe those encounters close to my heart in chinese words again. In the train this morning, I began to put them on paper, it has however became difficult. I felt crippled with the language. It has been in my head all along, yet for that moment it turned foreign. I was struggling with some characters which has slipped off my mind totally.

For once, I try to recall how long I have lost contact with it. I haven't done any serious novel reading for long time. I miss it. I was once so proud of my chinese essay writing skills which had received my teachers' compliments. Now its coming back to me. I shall hold my pen again ;)

p.s: 它回来了 means "its coming back" in chinese.

Merci

Thank you BS for reminding me all over again about AMELIE, I'll put the dvd to good keeping. Heh, even though its fake, kekeke...

Oscar the grouch, not me

I'm supposed to go on a strict diet since I returned from Thailand. I had too much sumptuous meals over there. First night, steamboat; second night and third, seafood... I was so thrilled the day I met up with my mates, I didn't have to go through it again. I could go back to my normal eating habits. Even if its skipping dinner.

Easy to say eh. I'm now experiencing the difficulties of skipping a meal. I looked at my mum's home cooked meal, a pity to go wasted. I wanted to skip lunch, yet my breakfast has long been digested and converted to those grumbling noises in my stomach. Life is supposed to eat and live to the fullest, isn't it!!!

Looks like the best I can do, is to eat the proper stuffs and make sure I burn those calories!!!

The brit new teeth trick

I took a bottle of rum refresher from the company's fridge. Barcardi breezer. Tropical peach. All chilled and ready, I'm all thirsty for it; except for one thing, I can't open it without an opener. So I went searching into my next door company.

Its lucky I bumped into Ben, someone I worked with. I didn't realise these british boys have some old school trick. He could open the bottle with his teeth, my, I want to learn that!

The new me

ADMINISTRATOR --- Submissive Extrovert Concrete Thinker

Like just 4% of the population you are an ADMINISTRATOR (SECT)--detail-oriented and organized. You're an extrovert, but you lack the over-aggressive tendencies of obnoxious "go-getters." Very nice. However, you probably like getting up in other people's business--living through them a little... dude, sometimes you just gotta let it ride. Don't be such a busy-body.

Anyway , you're an excellent manager, of both yourself and other people. That's because you prefer thinking concretely rather than creatively, and you'd rather follow what your mind tells you than your heart--people respect this, but it can make them mad when their appeals to love and kindness fall on deaf, deaf ears. Try to have a heart sometimes.

TheSpark's Personality Test

Back alive and limping

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back finally!!!!

I can't wait to share everything with you guys... felt so itching to get into an internet cafe and do some writing when I was there. But really, I got no spare time. Or really some spare money!! I came home with 10 bahts, which is singapore 43 cents. Oh my, I never expected a busier trip than this. I went there with no plans, but yet there are so much things I have done. I've taken some short videos (unfortunately I have no where to upload to show you guys) but there's lot of digital photos to compensate. Give me some time eh!

I'm back 6 hours ago. Still awake at 3am to write my blog, some people will think I'm crazy or .... (fill that up yourself)!! God, I want to write, he he. Anyway, I shall update all the other details soon. Just a small note to inform you guys, YES I'm home!

Thank you guys whom have been coming back.

a little bit of love,
trixy

Bangkok hot hot hot

Hello peeps. I'm up with new updates. Yeah, it's going to be long, make sure you're ready! I'll try not to bore you with too much details. Enjoy.

08/12/03 Bangkok Adventure 13/12/03

18 of us went Bangkok together. Personally, I'm not a group person really, it gets tedious having to wait for each other and doing group check in. My only kin are two cousins, M, P and uncle (M's dad), I've mentioned M and P before I guess. The rest of them are my uncles' friends, a whole bunch of old citizens.

Initially I felt as if I was travelling with a group of senior citizens, they are my parents' age or older. Somehow, it got easier as things went along. In fact, not as bad as it seemed. We had free food (my uncle paid) and group transportation with them, so... whatcha think!! There was this pair of old couple, comical pair and I really think they are funny. The only one thing I wasn't so comfortable with, is that we weren't allowed to explore alone. These nice old aunties and uncles were too protective of us - the young kids. Hey, but read on...

Day one: I arrived Bangkok in the afternoon. Bangkok is as hot as singapore, 23-32 degrees. However, its dry heat, low humidity and not sweaty. My first hotel stay seems exciting, oh well, first time in everything is, isn't it? I came with no research, no plan, no idea of what I was going to do over the next 4 days.

Day two: 9th December was a holiday in Bangkok. Strange, there was assumingly lesser traffic jam on a public holiday. The traffic was hectic. Every second you are on the road, you are in danger. The cars wouldn't look out for you, they wouldn't stop. Each road crossing was a life gamble!

The original floating market, something I heard of and didn't want to miss. Make sure you pop there if you make a trip to thailand. Its a cultural shock for people whom only live in cities with high-rise buildings. On the near 2 hours journey there, I witnessed lot of rural lifestyle and people selling off their harvest/stocks or whatever they produced by the roadside. The air constantly polluted by the passing vehicles, it is hard life. If you live in a city and considered yourself poor, could you imagine them living each day trying to earn some cash to keep life going... If you grumble too much about life, or do extravagant shopping, maybe you should think twice about that.

I couldn't possibly missed the national treasures of thailand, can I? Elephants... cleverly trained elephants, they could kick soccer better than some humans. Oh yes, and crocodiles' show, which I didn't find it fascinating anymore.

Day three: As the main purpose of the trip is to visit temples for praying, thanksgiving and donation, we had another long journey out of town to 3 different temples. I have been longing to see monks. Ya know, those with orange/yellow robes!! I've seen too much on tv. It was a new experience. I'm not a very religious person myself, yet it has been a good trip to be respectful and do some confessions.

Day four: I ventured out alone. Everyone else had long set off for another long distance travelling to temples out of town. Yes, I'm alone in bangkok! It seemed like they were pretty worried about me, afterall I couldn't speak thai, and it was an unsafe place for a gal to go around they reckoned. I'm 22 already, maybe they should trust me - I can take care of myself.

I ate my buffet breakfast alone before I stepped into the already warmed up Bangkok streets. I had to walk through this small lane before reaching the main road, which I hate it. I wandered around those unfamiliar places (ahh, didn't I say I'm curious about anything new). I discovered a shopping paradise, I was on my way to meet to two friends whom came to bangkok a day after me. So I made a quick browse at the places and brought my friends back. A big mistake, it costed a big hole in the pocket. I spend over a thousand bahts in there, well, if you convert to singapore dollars, it isn't that much really!!

Later we continued the sin in another shopping centre which I failed to cover it yesterday. I found a beads-sewed-on-denim hangbag I really fancy, it was such a task to bargain. But you have no choice, they marked up the prices too much. Yes, and a pair of heels. These things which I had been hunting for back in Singapore! God, shopping is a sin.

Darn, I missed the thai massage because I was nearly crippled by the shopping. Limping.

Day five: Finally! Finally. Finally. I swam in the hotel swimming pool, it was so much smaller than it seemed from a photo. We had 12 laps, but really short laps. I led my cousins out to Pratunam Market (which I shopped for a bit yesterday) since it was our last few hours before our coach arrived. Dang!!! Guess what?? My bikini hunting had finally came to an end, I spotted a black&white-floral-pineapple one. And it costs merely 10 singapore dollars!!! Woo.. I'm done with shopping.

By the way I also got a pair of thaiboxing shorts, believe me, they look incredible. Yes, I'm ready to go home, please.

p/s: For peeps whom are keen in the photos I've taken, they should be ready in less than 24 hours under my photo albums.

Thee Mr. Right

I attended my colleague's wedding on Saturday. A traditional Chinese dinner. Don't think of it as a pay-for-what-you-eat thing!!! For guys whom don't really understand the meaning and purpose of wedding dinners.

It was a lovely ceremony. I worked with V, the groom for some months. I didn't know him very well, but we seem to get along fine. He's a fine young chap, friendly and easy to work with. It was a surprise when he announced he was getting married. I was thinking,"Oh come on, how young are you!" But hey, he's 27 and doesn't look like it at all. It's a good age for blokes I reckon, a few years more for ideal couple world before starting to make little babies.

The dinner was held in the Grand ballroom of Grand Hyatt hotel. The atmosphere amazed me, the guests were proper people (people with reputation or somewhat), the decor classy. The groom was all dressed up, handsome one. He didn't seem nervous at all. I was waiting to take a peep at the bride. Their wedding photos shows them as a heavenly pair!!!

There were a lot of nice moments. We had a table for our company, everyone was stunning. And finally the ravishing bride came into the scene. With an Indian mixed Chinese percentage, she was alluring. Seriously, I couldn't find a more beautiful person that night... captivating smile... angelic pair of eyes...

Throughout the 8-course dinner, videos of them were continuously played. Blessing from friends, their eyes for each other, the wedding tea ceremony, and so much more... At one point, I was entirely moved. I wanted to cry, tears of happiness. They are so in love, and that power of love has touched me. For a second, I was wondering if ever I have that day when I will be feeling the same way!

~The magic of love, I hope it touches everyone at some point in his or her life~

1st sign of Love

~~~~~ A new lease of life ~~ plus a little sign of <3>

I was in the train, sitting on a corner seat. A little toddler, a little boy. He has marble-like eyes and such delicate features on his tiny round face. His mum held his hand, his other hand holding on to a pole right besides me... I've noticed him. Awww... I wish I can offer him sitting on my lap...

Out of a sudden, he touched my hand gently. He was too adorable to resist, I didn't pull my hand away. I held his little fingers, smiling at him. I could see his eyes staring straight at me, he wanted to speak to me. His mum pulled his hand away, feeling a bit embarrassed.

He tried to hold my hand a few more times... he's so so so cute!!!

Scrappin' it

I've been talking in my sleep. Now its my turn eh! I remember I was almost never told I had that tendency. It must have been this emotional chaos I've gotten into. But now it is finally over!!!

I opened my eyes this morning, awakened by the humidity in the room and my phone's message beeping tone. My mind was like a piece of clean chalkboard, everything dusted away. The night before is the only night I slept with no disturbing images in my head, with no more yearning for things that are gone. My eyes were dry. I kissed my softie penguin good night...

22 years behind me is now a history. I can smilingly signed off that phase of my life. Yesterday, I eventually managed to hand in my resignation letter to my very so busy boss. A very charming boss, which I will be sad to lose. Despite that, somehow I have cleared another burden in my life - the job. I've exactly no idea what's next, what's in line for me... it's not bothering me at all. I actually need a new life.

Porky left for US and Germany this morning. I have not been wanting to speak to him, it had been a difficult choice. And yesterday, it had to be the day. He still speak with that uncertainty and obliqueness in his words, forever. I'm very irritated with his indirectness, but for once I have to care for my own happiness. I'm over it!

It seems to have decided it was the day yesterday.

One sick week

I'm sick and empty.

I didn't write yesterday, I felt like a total mess... everything is out of control. It was then I actually got comfortable with writing out my emotions... yeah, in words!! More than words. My friends who got my confidential mail thought I had suicidal thoughts. That has never came across my mind, I think of death all the time, but not ending my life just because of failure, rejection or an obstacle. I wasn't very happy the day before, even I collected my long awaited blouse. I looked at it and for god's sake "will I ever wear this??" I was at my most irritable mood, I didn't feel like speaking. I just wanted to sleep it away. Falling asleep hasn't been so difficult like last night... it must have took me over 30 minutes to coax myself.

I woke up, believing that I'd have a better day ahead. I wanted to trash that blouse, but that would have sent my 60 dollars down the drain, so I confronted the shop owner. It was written "No refund No exchange". But I've custom-made something I'm not happy with. Reasonably, I got offered something else. Okay, I think I'm happier now.